So You’ve Changed Your Mind About Your Break-Up? Sucks For You.

So, you’ve finally done it. You’ve ended your relationship and you can now take a deep breath. But every now and then, as you lie wide-eyed alone in bed, thoughts of confusion, jealousy and an overwhelming sense of loneliness saddle themselves to you. And it might make you think….. I need them back.  

But most of the time, that’s a terrible idea. 

If you’ve already ended things – you’ve done the awkward coffee or phone call; their friends have decided they don’t like you anymore; their number can’t be found in your phone  – there was probably a pretty good reason. Breaking-up with someone is hard, and it’s easy to waver at every opportunity, back out and grin your way through the next 3 years of a relationship you're not sure you want to be in. So if you've got this far, that means you must’ve wanted it. 

Maybe your relationship ended because things had become strained, the bickering never stopped and you couldn’t get beyond each other's bad habits and icks. If someone’s presence is more of a pain than a pleasure and they’re not actively adding joy to your life then that’s a good enough reason to end things. 

You might’ve been cheated on and need to walk away in order to rebuild your self-esteem and trust. Maybe you had to part ways because, as much as you love each other, you want different things out of life. If they want to move to Bali and you want to move to the UK, then either way you’ll be sacrificing something.

While break-ups can be a shitshow propelled by bad behaviour and miscommunication, ending a relationship isn’t always disastrous. Sometimes it's a relief for both people. Sometimes it’s a necessary evil. But at the root of it there’s always a why.

As hard as it is to end things with someone, it’s pretty well recognised that being on the receiving end is worse for a few reasons, and your ex probably didn’t have the time to prepare or process like you did. They might have been caught completely off guard and they might not have wanted it at all.  Most of the time, being broken up with is miserable and can bring about every insecurity, doubt and impulse of self-hatred or self-destruction. 

When you’ve already put someone through a break-up, the best thing you can do is leave them be so that they have the time to heal and/or learn from their mistakes, depending on the reason the relationship ended. You probably shouldn’t show up at their door with $8.99 roses from Countdown and tell them you messed up. Even if you really think you have. Even if you really want them back.

Well, there are a few obvious reasons.

First, there’s panic. When this one hits, it hits hard. If you’ve been in a relationship for a few months, let alone a few years, then it’s gonna be a shock to suddenly find yourself single, even of your own volition.

Suddenly you’re cooking for one and missing out on a couples costume for Halloween, with no one to message when you’re reminded of an in-joke, and no one to spend time with when you’re not at your best. It can be incredibly lonely – both physically and emotionally. But you can miss the company without missing the person.

There’s also a possibility that you feel bad for your ex and that guilt pushes you back into a relationship. That guilt might also be reflected in other people around you. You could feel like you’ve betrayed their family, or have taken them away from their friends, and you don’t want to be the reason they’re unhappy.  

In a more complex and potentially harmful relationship you might find yourself backtracking on the choice to leave someone who hurt you, cheated on you or exhibited controlling behaviour. These people can be hard to leave and often will attempt to manipulate you into coming back.

Aside from a potentially harmful relationship, the most difficult-to-handle reason you might find yourself wishing to have your ex back is because of genuine regret: The feeling you’ve made the wrong choice and based your initial decision off of a misunderstanding or brief lapse in judgement.  

This sentiment is complicated because, as much as you might have actually made a mistake, nine times out of ten it's still best to let it go and accept that the damage is done.

And we’re not saying you can’t come back from it. But you have to remember that your ex is their own person, going through their own experience of the break-up, too. You might change your mind, but they might be too hurt to take your back. And you’re just gonna have to suck that up. It’s not a decision one person can make, and you have to be considerate of their ever-evolving feelings. 

Even if you put the idea out there and they agree, rushing back into a relationship puts a strain on both people. You haven’t had time to experience being alone in a healthy way and you haven’t had time to make the changes that lead things off track in the first place. You’ve made your bed, now is the time to lie in it – alone. And, most likely, you’ll become happy with your choice as time passes. 

As much as panic might be setting in, you’ll get used to being on your own. You’ll remember what you love about it and be able to make space for better relationships to bloom. Time is a healer, and it brings clarity that you won’t find if you jump straight back in, as tempting as it is to keep things rolling along.  

If there is a chance that getting back together actually is the right choice, you also don’t need to get rekindle right away – a few months apart, or even longer, can give you the time to find out whether u actually want to be in that relationship, what u need to learn, and whether it could work again. You can’t sit around and wait for it, but if it’s meant to be then your relationship will find its way. And 6 months apart won’t be a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  

Doubt is normal, and insecurity around decision making is just another part of the existential terror of being alive. But remember: You ended things. You made the choice, so trust yourself. 

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.