The 5 Times TIME Magazine was Racist and Therefore High on Molly

Last week, TIME.com ran a story called "The Party Drug Molly Can Make You a Racist." The problem is, that's not actually true, and the story has since been changed to the much less sensational (but more accurate) "The 'Love Hormone' Can Make You Hate: Study," referring to a study about neurochemical oxytocin reported in VICE last week. Any raver worth his or her PLUR will tell you that racism is absolutely NOT part of the MDMA vibes, so we're glad that TIME went back and actually read the article it was reporting on. Then again, there is now a logical explanation for TIME magazine's historical racism: TIME is obviously high on Molly.

ADOLF HITLER… REALLY?
TIME's Person of the Year awards have been given to such historic figures as Martin Luther King Jr., Haile Selassie I, and Mahatama Gandhi. And while the award doesn't necessarily carry any outright positive connotations, the list also includes a number of questionable figures, like Vladmir Putin, Ayotollah Khomeini, and… Adolf Hitler. Being that MDMA was only first synthesized in 1912 (and used only occasionally for therapeutic research until the late 80s) TIME must have had some special contacts with the laboratories—because it was definitely rolling its face off!

GROSS OPPORTUNISM
Remember when TIME used Trayvon Martin's murder as a news peg to argue that racism isn't as bad as it used to be? The gist of this article was something like, "Hey, yeah—that was totally a lame thing that happened, but let's not blow it out of proportion here. We're making good progress!" Describing our "multiracial future," the author argues that racism is working itself out—and that we needn't stir the pot over one little murder. Who let TIME into the office stash of Moon Rocks?

A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SELL COPIES
Then there was that time in 1994 when TIME artificially darkened a photograph of OJ Simpson in order to make him look more sinister—or that's what some critics said. The New York Times called 'em out, reporting the photo to be a "doctored version of a photograph made by the Los Angeles Police Department," and Newsweek ran an un-doctored version of the photo for contrast. Yikes—I'll have two doses of whatever candy TIME was on when they bounced that out of mid-90s Photoshop.

THAT DUDE'S NOT EVEN LATINO AT ALL!
This is the kind of blooper that gives a magazine nightmares. For a photo collage that ran alongside a story about Latino voters in Arizona, TIME (which must have gone through three packs of gum with all that jaw-clenching) included a photograph of one Michael Schennum, who identifies as "part Norwegian and part Chinese and part Irish." Was TIME rollin'? Bitch, it might have been!

A FAILED ATTEMPT AT HUMOR
"Gags about impossibly spicy food? I'd never heard those before," writes Kal Penn, in response to a 2010 TIME column about Indian immigrants in New Jersey. "Multiple Gods with multiple arms? Multiple laughs! Recounting racial slurs like 'dot-head?' Oh… too good!" The Harold and Kumar actor was responding to a tongue-in-cheek article about the dilution of white working class families in Edison, New Jersey. TIME must have been Molly-sweating through its turtlenecks when it published this thing, because comedy this racist can only be the result of a dangerous MDMA high.

@maxpearl