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XXYYXX Says He's Head Of The Illuminati

By Aleks Eror

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Annoyingly named 16-year-old producer, XXYYXX, is a bit of a child prodigy. While a lot of kids his age are skipping school to huff glue (that's what kids do these days, right?), he devotes himself to making ghostly, Weeknd-esque slow-jams, like a web 2.0 Barry White.
 
But while he might get to rub shoulders with Yeezy and A$AP Mob in clubs that won’t even serve him, being an online child star ain’t easy. For every brown-nosed fanboy looking to kiss ass, there’s always someone who’s convinced that you’re in league with the illuminati. Don’t worry, bro, we get it all the time.
 
Noisey: So, you're still 16?
XXYYXX: Yeah, I turn 17 in October.
 
When I was your age, all I ever thought about was wondering who the next finger-bang would be
Nice.
 
I know. Could you give me a quick breakdown of your musical history?
I was in a few bands when I was 13, but I grew out of that and started making electronic music when I was 15.
 
So you’ve only been making this sort of music for…
For, like, two years, yeah.
 
That’s pretty amazing.
I’m trying to learn and get better, so it’s really annoying when I make a song someone doesn't like and they go, “Oh, it’s definitely a miss on his part." It’s like, fuck you, I didn’t make this song for you, I made it ‘cos I want to make music. I’m still just learning, y’know?
 
 
So, you’re 16, but the American drinking age is 21. Can you buy booze when you play a gig?
Never ever. Always in Europe, but never in America.
 
You’ll be DJing, you ask for a drink and they ask you for your ID?
Sometimes I don’t even bother, especially where I live. It’s like the most conservative state of the country.
 
What about Alabama?
No, probably worse, man. Literally all of the racist, conservative, idiot old people move down to retire in Florida, so you can’t really do anything. There’s no freedom; they would ID me even if I looked 30.
 
What if you said "FUCK YOU—the music goes off if I don’t get some booze!"
My friends would hate me!
 
You’re being peer-pressured into not drinking.
Things can be weird sometimes.
 
Speaking of weird, a lot of people who follow your stuff on social media have accused you of being in league with the Illuminati?
I’m SO glad this question came up, because I'm actually CEO of the Illuminati. 
 
Oh, that’s wicked. I’m glad we’re going to get a chance to talk about this.
Yeah, man. I own the Illuminati, I have stock in the Illuminati—all sorts of things.
 
What are your big Illuminati plans for 2012?
Just fuck some shit up, y’know? New World Order, all that shit. Have a global currency, assassinate some people.
 
What other celebrities are involved in the Illuminati? Is Lady Gaga involved?
No, she’s just fucking retarded. She’s not in the illuminati, she doesn’t know what she’s doing. 
 
But there must be someone that stands out that little bit more.
In all seriousness, Ben Bernanke—chairman of the Federal Reserve—he’s a dumb fuck. Nobody should have that much power over the economy.

Agreed. Do you support Occupy?
I support the ideas of it, but the actual protest? I went to one and it was all hype. An overthrow isn’t just going into the middle of the road and shouting "I want change!", ‘cos they’re not just going to be like, "Sure, there you go!"
 
Here’s a little stat for you: between 1900 and 2006, 26 percent of violent revolutions brought long-term democratic change, compared to 53 percent of nonviolent ones.
Those statistics have been doctored by the ex-CEO of the Illuminati.
 
Who’s the ex-CEO of the Illuminati?
Ja-Rule.
 
How did you oust him as CEO?
I told him to fuck off.
 
And he did?
I’m just kidding. I love him and his voice.
 
Was it Ja-Rule or R. Kelly that...
ALLEGEDLY...that was R. Kelly. Allegedly.
 
Are you a fan of R. Kelly?
I love R. Kelly, yeah. Seriously, I'm a big fan.
 
Would you let him pee on you if he agreed to a collab?
I’d have to arrange a contract, but yes. There are a lot of details around how he pees on me.
 
Moving on, you’ve also said that Pitchfork suck. Why?
Yeah, they fucking suck. They change their scores so often. Like, a Bonny Bear record got a five, or something, then became really big, so, when they had a reissue, it was given a 10. When an artist becomes really hip, they give them high scores so it looks like they know what the fuck was up. It’s like cheating your way through blogging.
 
I would definitely have whoever it is changing the scores fucking snipered, over and over. Sniped to death then through the grave, repeatedly. Then I’d contact R. Kelly and have him piss all over the grave. I'm pretty sure he’d be up for that.
 
You’ve also called Grimes generic—that’s a pretty loaded statement.
The hair, her whole entire tumblr look, her Molly Soda-esque, darkwave, what have you. I’ve seen it before on the internet—it’s super internet. I think the image sells more than the music. I like Grimes now, though. I didn't before, but she’s actually kind of cool.
 
OKAY, we have to wrap it up, but since you’re the Illuminati and all that, who’s going to win the presidential election?
That’s a good question. Mitt Romney will win, because America is full of fucking retards.
 
Thanks man!

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