WTF Is This Band: Neurotic November

Much like a porcupine’s quills or a skunk’s foul stench, some bands just look so ridiculously terrible that it serves as a warning to stay as far away as humanly possibly. WTF Is This Band is a new feature where we examine those bands and ask: What the fuck is this band? Who the fuck is this band? Why the fuck is this band? Whatever the “w” might stand for in WTF, we wanna know. Our first band up is a band called Neurotic November.

So who is Neurotic November? Good question! Apparently Neurotic November is a five-piece deathcore band with an incredibly stupid alliteration for a name. Maybe Dongbag December and Jackoff January were taken. They’ve also got incredibly stupid names, themselves. Here are their names: Dirty, Nig, Yoshii, Bear, and Paiste. And then here are some more names for them that I made up: Pigpen, Tigger, Atarii, Camel, Loofa. And then for good measure, five more I made up: Lola, Boof, Shoopy, Mittface, and Gaame Boyy. I can only assume those are not their real names, but stagenames they chose so that their family and friends could not Google them and see that they are in the worst band of all time.

Am I exaggerating about them being the worst band of all time? Not really. I mean, there are several contenders for that title but Neurotic November is certainly up there. Let’s take a look at their video for their song—and this is exactly how it's spelled in the video’s credits—“I’m From the Sunshin State, I gotta Shine.”

Wow, that was pretty terrible, Neurotic November. I would’ve expected better from a band from the Sunshin State. If you only made it through 10 seconds before stabbing yourself in the ears with a screwdriver, I’ll break down what happens. The first thing that happens after they spell their own song title wrong is that the main dude does a backflip to kick things off, which would be kinda cool except that he’s wearing bright teal jeans from the children’s section of H&M and has dreadlocks with frosted tips so when he flips, he looks like a Spin Art painting. He also has a v-neck t-shirt that says “I ❤ HIV.” Do you though, Mr. Dirty? Do you really ❤ HIV? Or do you just ❤ HIV ironically? It makes sense if you do, seeing as how your band is the HIV of music. So congrats on ❤ing musical HIV and unnecessary backflips.

Then in between shots of the band doing ridiculous choreographed crabcore moves, there’s some storyline where the dude punches a woman in the face, robs a tattoo shop, and beats the shit out of people for no discernable reason. You might think that this is gonna be some sort of social commentary but then at the end, the dude is playing a show and being treated like a rockstar. So yeah, dude. Punching women and robbing people = total rockstar status. Cool message, bro!

Also, there’s at least one more backflip in the video. Why does this band think that backflips where people don’t fall and injure themselves horribly are entertaining? If you post a video of someone doing a backflip on YouTube, they’d better split their nards on a fence or land on a toddler or something.

But the “Sunshin State” video is two years old. Surely Neurotic November has matured as a band and as people since then. Let’s take a look at the lyrics to their latest song, “Nonchalant” where, if nothing else, they’ve at least managed to spell the song title right…

With everything you post, I wish you’d say it to my face,

But we know you’re a bitch, And your life is such a waste,

Hopefully you will change, and see how my fist tastes,

You’re pathetic and no one loves you.

Cool, way to take tweets by random teenagers and turn them into song lyrics. Maybe on your next album, you can make a song out of Bitstrips. As mentioned before, if you’re gonna go through the trouble of making a lyric video, you might wanna do a quick check to make sure your lyrics have slightly more artistic merit than a ranting YouTube commenter. With lyrics that pretty much read like Facebook statuses as is, let’s see what kind of stuff these guys post on the band's Facebook page…

Their caption: “Laugh out loud haha”

Yikes. Well, the good news is that Neurotic November is on Victory Records which means that they’re not getting any money for being a shitty band and will probably need to get a lawyer at some point to extract their earnings from Tony Brummel’s notoriously tight butthole.

Dan Ozzi is a contributing editor of Noisey and watching that video hurt his soul a little. Follow him on Twitter - @danozzi