Zack Attack - Friends Forever
Here's a television band that, in a dream sequence, miraculously sells out a "reunion show" in a later episode of Saved By The Bell. Lisa Turtle can be seen rocking out a headless Steinberger bass guitar, Zack Morris rocking a Les Paul and singing like one of the New Kids on the Block while shredding a feel-good power solo, Screech on keys, Kelly on back up vocals, and Slater on Drums. I'm pretty sure the only actor who actually plays an instrument well is Mario Lopez's character, A. C. Slater…and it's still tough to watch.
Full House - Jesse and the Rippers
As if Full House wasn't a complete brain drain of a show to begin with, consider Uncle Jesse's band, "Jesse and the Rippers," as another reason to more deeply dislike the show. John Stamos' "Gonna make it as a rock star" character on the show that ruined real life aspirations (don't forget what it did to Dave "Uncle Joey" Coulier's comedy career) makes me cringe when he and his sitcom band cover and destroy classic songs. This brief partial-cover of Thin Lizzy's "The Boys are Back in Town" makes my skin crawl. If I wanted to feel this uncomfortable, I'd ask my mother to belt out her best Phil Lynott.
Wonder Years - Electric Shoes
In all fairness, this is by far the best concept for a band out of the list of horrible TV bands. "Electric Shoes" could've been the name of a real garage band in the late 60's for all we know—there were countless groups imitating the sounds of the British Invasion and that combo of irrelevant words was bound to pop up somewhere. Synopsis: Kevin Arnold meets the new cool kid and, becoming suddenly fascinated with the electric guitar, he makes the clout-boosting move to join the group Electric Shoes. With the support of some kid who looks five years old on the drums and Sky Saxon Jr. on bass, the aforementioned mess is born. Luckily, since The Wonder Years possessed that magical sitcom excuse to resolve all outrageous situations in their sitcom world back to zero by the end of each episode, Electric Shoes was over and never spoken about 22 minutes and half a dozen commercials later.
Family Ties - Permanent Waves
If you had the luxury of catching episodes of this wholesome sitcom and didn't think Jennifer Keaton's career-ending abrupt puberty spurt was of the most offensive moments on the show, check out her attempt at music. From the episode "Band on the Run," heartthrob Jennifer tries her take at a pop new-wave group "Permanent Waves." She gets Christina Applegate on keys and some other random, funky girls to pretend play to what sounds like a mid-80's Casio keyboard demo fronted by the vocals of Madonna's estranged cousin. If there were two words of advice that I could have given this group, they would have been 1) Really play or at least make the move to be a believable all-synthesizer band and 2) Don't ever have your entire group's performance dependent on one isolated outlet (see 0:55).
Alf - Alf's One Alien Band
The Tanner family quickly got over the fact that they were harboring an alien who could have been infecting the family with some intergalactic radiation or disease and as a result, said alien pretty much lost control moments after crashing to Earth. Naturally, he fell in love with the young Tanner daughter, Lynn, and in an early attempt to woo her, he created this conflicted music video. In the video, Alf attempts to mimic several popular 80's musicians while performing his song "You're the One Who's Out of this World," but the outcome is nothing more than a talentless pile of trash. Alf continues to break into song throughout the series, destroying originals and writing more pointless, painful "jams."
Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.