[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
YO FOR SOME REASON I ALWAYS CALL THIS NIGGA WIZ LATIFAH. THAT'S NOT EVEN ME INSULTING THE NIGGA NAHMEAN THEY JUST GOT NAMES THAT'S PHONETICALLY SIMILAR. YO YOU KNOW HOW I DO THE WHOLE "THIS IS WHAT WOULD BE PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND OF THIS SCENE IN A MOVIE" SHIT RIGHT? THE FIRST TRACK ON THIS SHIT IS FOR THE SCENE IN A MOVIE WHERE A FAT NIGGA IS SITTING ON A PRIVATE JET SMOKING OPIUM OUT OF A PIPE SHAPED LIKE A DICK. THIS ALBUM IS VERY RELAXING B I GUESS IT GOTTA BE SINCE THIS NIGGA SMOKES MORE WEED THAN EVERY UNEMPLOYED NIGGA IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY. THIS IS UPLIFTING WEED MUSIC B. YO CAN I JUST SAY HOW FISCALLY IRRESPONSIBLE THIS NIGGA IS THO? MY GUY OVER THE COURSE OF THIS ALBUM YOU BOUGHT LIKE 12089479274 BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL AT NIGHTCLUB PRICES WHICH IS LIKE 549% MARKUP MY NIGGA. ALSO TO BE HONEST I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY DRINK THAT MUCH MY NIGGA CUZ ALCOHOL GOT MAD CARBS NAHMEAN AND LAST TIME I SEEN YOU YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU SURVIVED 6 HOLOCAUSTS AND WENT ON A HUNGER STRIKE RIGHT AFTER. YO THIS "FALL ASLEEP" JOINT SOUNDS LIKE HE NEEDED ONE MORE JOINT FOR THE ALBUM AND THEY WAS AT THE DEADLINE AND HE WAS LIKE "OH SHIT OH SHIT" *HITS BONG* YO WE NEED ONE MORE SONG! *SLAPS PENIS ON MACBOOK TO CREATE A BEAT WHILE LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY*...*GETS IN BOOTH* "NIGGA I GOT SO MUCH SWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG...NIGGA TOUCH MY BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG" THIS NIGGA TALKS ABOUT WEED LIKE ITS A TOUR OF AFGHANISTAN. "WHO YOU KNOW SMOKE HALF A POUND IN 7 DAYS?" NIGGA YOU SMOKING WEED NOT BENCHPRESSING A HONDA RELAX.
YO BUT DUDE IS LIKE SNOOP IN THAT HE'S NOT REALLY SAYING SHIT BUT HE'S NOT SAYING SHIT REALLY WELL SO SHOUTOUT TO HIM. HERE'S A COUPON BOOKLET FOR BURGER KING EAT SOMETHING MY NIGGA.
I GIVE THIS 4 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUTTA 5 BECAUSE I ALSO ENJOY WEED AND I APPRECIATE THIS NIGGA NOT USING THIS OPPORTUNITY TO RAP ABOUT AMBER ROSE.
STANDOUT TRACK: "RISE ABOVE" BECAUSE PHARRELL IS ON IT AND HE'S ILLUMINATI SO I GOTTA GIVE HIM A SHOUTOUT OR THEY'LL SACRIFICE MY KID TO THE GOAT GOD "RAHBKARDASHEEN" (OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.)
2013: The Year Nelly Was Everywhere and Nowhere at the Same Time
No other artist spent as much time so close to the Zeitgeist as Nelly this year without being even remotely close to being the Zeitgeist.
You Don’t Like Childish Gambino's 'Because the Internet' Because of the Internet
Don't allow the narrative surrounding Donald Glover's musical career define the way you think.
The Real Difference Between a Mixtape and an Album
Why do rappers still about sales when they could release a mixtape, gain exposure, and cash in later?
Are the Grammys Irrelevant or Did Yeezus Actually Suck?
Breaking down Yeezy's obsession with the awards.
2013: A Year In Which Some Music Happened
A year’s art starts on Day One of the new year. If we don’t quantify it somehow by December, who are we as a people and what is our worth?
If R. Kelly Makes Us So Uncomfortable, Why Do We Keep Listening?
This is art we're talking about, and it's as real as you allow it to be.
Britney Spears: Capitalism's Last Stand
At last, the Queen has found her domain.
The Real Rick Ross Stands Up
We met with the ex-crack kingpin, who told us stories from his drug dealing days and gave us an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming autobiography.
Sorry, Dudes. The Ladies Won Punk This Year.
These are the women who kicked a particularly large amount of ass in 2013.
2013: The Most OK Year Ever
Kitty Pryde reflects on her sort of shitty, sort of amazing 2013.