[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
YO FOR SOME REASON I ALWAYS CALL THIS NIGGA WIZ LATIFAH. THAT'S NOT EVEN ME INSULTING THE NIGGA NAHMEAN THEY JUST GOT NAMES THAT'S PHONETICALLY SIMILAR. YO YOU KNOW HOW I DO THE WHOLE "THIS IS WHAT WOULD BE PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND OF THIS SCENE IN A MOVIE" SHIT RIGHT? THE FIRST TRACK ON THIS SHIT IS FOR THE SCENE IN A MOVIE WHERE A FAT NIGGA IS SITTING ON A PRIVATE JET SMOKING OPIUM OUT OF A PIPE SHAPED LIKE A DICK. THIS ALBUM IS VERY RELAXING B I GUESS IT GOTTA BE SINCE THIS NIGGA SMOKES MORE WEED THAN EVERY UNEMPLOYED NIGGA IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY. THIS IS UPLIFTING WEED MUSIC B. YO CAN I JUST SAY HOW FISCALLY IRRESPONSIBLE THIS NIGGA IS THO? MY GUY OVER THE COURSE OF THIS ALBUM YOU BOUGHT LIKE 12089479274 BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL AT NIGHTCLUB PRICES WHICH IS LIKE 549% MARKUP MY NIGGA. ALSO TO BE HONEST I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY DRINK THAT MUCH MY NIGGA CUZ ALCOHOL GOT MAD CARBS NAHMEAN AND LAST TIME I SEEN YOU YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU SURVIVED 6 HOLOCAUSTS AND WENT ON A HUNGER STRIKE RIGHT AFTER. YO THIS "FALL ASLEEP" JOINT SOUNDS LIKE HE NEEDED ONE MORE JOINT FOR THE ALBUM AND THEY WAS AT THE DEADLINE AND HE WAS LIKE "OH SHIT OH SHIT" *HITS BONG* YO WE NEED ONE MORE SONG! *SLAPS PENIS ON MACBOOK TO CREATE A BEAT WHILE LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY*...*GETS IN BOOTH* "NIGGA I GOT SO MUCH SWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG...NIGGA TOUCH MY BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG" THIS NIGGA TALKS ABOUT WEED LIKE ITS A TOUR OF AFGHANISTAN. "WHO YOU KNOW SMOKE HALF A POUND IN 7 DAYS?" NIGGA YOU SMOKING WEED NOT BENCHPRESSING A HONDA RELAX.
YO BUT DUDE IS LIKE SNOOP IN THAT HE'S NOT REALLY SAYING SHIT BUT HE'S NOT SAYING SHIT REALLY WELL SO SHOUTOUT TO HIM. HERE'S A COUPON BOOKLET FOR BURGER KING EAT SOMETHING MY NIGGA.
I GIVE THIS 4 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUTTA 5 BECAUSE I ALSO ENJOY WEED AND I APPRECIATE THIS NIGGA NOT USING THIS OPPORTUNITY TO RAP ABOUT AMBER ROSE.
STANDOUT TRACK: "RISE ABOVE" BECAUSE PHARRELL IS ON IT AND HE'S ILLUMINATI SO I GOTTA GIVE HIM A SHOUTOUT OR THEY'LL SACRIFICE MY KID TO THE GOAT GOD "RAHBKARDASHEEN" (OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.)
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Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
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Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
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Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
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Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
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Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
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R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
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The Internet Is Scary
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I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
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Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
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Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
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