Why Rap Music Sucks When You Have a Broken Heart

This guy I don't even know is crying to me about how his girlfriend recently cheated on him. Well, not crying, but definitely, like, whining, and he says that it's ruined Meek Mill's music for him. "That shit fucking sucks. I don't want to hear about how you're sitting in the coupe getting head from my girl."

I empathize and naturally begin to complain about how I went through a similar experience in 2009, when my then girlfriend cheated on me, and I was particularly fond of a Soulja Boy song that contained the lyric: "Your girlfriend sucked on my dick and it felt like she had no teeth."

I'm not sus enough to be sitting around in a friend's apartment on a Friday night rehashing the most afflicted moment of my life for no reason. This only came up because, that day, I read a Jezebel article about oral sex and was texting about it with a girl that I'm trying to bone. My lack of engagement in the group's conversation forced me to explain what I was occupied with, and the fact that some guy whose girl had just gotten her back blown out by another man was there and looking for any chance to talk about his misfortune was pure coincidence.

Taking someone's woman has been seen as a display of power ever since Aphrodite decided to slut it up with all the Greek gods after Hephaestus wifed her. There was a time when black men were lynched over the mere accusation that they slept with white women who were spoken for. So there's no denying that this whole "your girl" thing has taken over as rap's most prevalent insult in the post-gangster era.

The other week, two of my friends put together an entire 60 song list of 2 Chainz lyrics about fucking "your girl," and I even asked him about it during an interview, hoping he could shed some light on why, instead of emasculating their nameless opponents, rappers have just put the most vulnerable part of the male psyche on display. Rap only caters to the winning side of those scenarios.

As a defense mechanism, after that girl fucked my life up, I was always especially thrilled about sleeping with girls who had boyfriends. It made me feet a lot better. I haven't left condoms on anyone's baby seat yet, but I have gained from the bravado that rap instills. But I don't wake up to a chalice of champagne and a buffet of drugs and women everyday. I wish I did. And rap just makes me feel bad about it. If a girl cheats on you, you have to turn to other genres. Obviously, rock has more than enough depressing music. During that fateful summer of betrayal, on separate instances, cryptic tweets of Xiu Xiu and Taking Back Sunday lyrics prompted concerned IMs from two of my colleagues. I think it was Blink 182's "Dammit" that had me in tears in the middle of the street. Seriously.

So if a girl cheats on you and you only listen to rap, the best you'll get is a three song playlist of Jay-Z's "Song Cry," Juelz Santana's "Jealousy (My Problem)," and Ghostface Killah's "Wildflower." Maybe you can listen to 808s & Heartbreak. Nas' "Undying Love" is only helpful if you're a sucker who's gonna get back with her in a week and you're in a state of mind to fantasize about twisted shit like killing yourself after you murder her. Eminem's "Kim" is only useful if you're actually going to murder her, which would be really inconvenient. And "Another" is way too much of a jam, Biggie doesn't even sound hurt on that song. And you are hurt. You've romanticized depression, and you want to sulk but rap ain't gonna help you.

Even the necessary post-breakup experience of hanging out with your friends and having a good time is sullied because the rap tunes of the day are making you feel like shit inside. Music is supposed to be therapeutic. Hearing Rick Ross say "your bitch next, no latex" when your girl has been having unprotected sex with another guy is not.

So THAT'S why, when that guy in my friend's apartment told me about how getting cheated on had ruined Meek Mill's music for him, I felt that shit in my soul. And proceeded to tell him that, for too long, in too much detail, like I usually do with my stories. The guy from my friend's apartment made it a point to separate his post-played process as something significantly less pathetic than mine. "Dude, I don't give a fuck if a bitch cheats. It's like, you sucked another cock? Cool. Suck mine now."

A fair argument. My point is, some of the coolest, richest guys I know have had women step out on them, but rappers would have you believe that's not possible. Instead we have songs for when we're fronting like we have money with that bonus check, listening to Tyga in the Lexus that PR company is letting us borrow for the weekend, and, of course, fucking another dude's girl. If rappers keep making us feel like pussies about getting cheated on, American male confidence will be so fucked, that by the time we get into a war with China, we're totally going to lose.

Follow Ernest on Twitter @ernestbaker_. Then check out more from him over at Complex

Illustration by @SPTSAM / www.samtaylorillustrator.com