Who Gives a Shit About [Insert Band Name] Reuniting?

The Replacements, circa the past

Wow! Did you hear?! It’s all over the popular music blogs like PitchVegan and BrooklynFork. It looks like [legendary band] is reuniting this summer at [lame, overpriced outdoor music festival] and you’re better off fellating a [large, endangered mammal] than going.

I know you yourself are probably sick of reading about reunion tours. I’m even sick of writing about them. So let’s just get through this article and we can go back to debating who could bench more, Henry Rollins or Glenn Danzig, OK? (By the way, I gotta go with Rollins on that one. As jacked as Danzig was in his day, you may be surprised to learn that he is only 5’4” according to Google. Also, his last name is Anzalone and he was briefly considered for the role of Wolverine in X-Men.)

Since I am falling into a rabbit-hole of Danzig Wikipedia entries, I will get back to my original point, which is that we’ve been hit over the head with so many reunion announcements over the last few years that I’ve been totally desensitized. Every week, another band announces a reunion show or tour and the Internet nearly shits itself in excitement. And every week, I just shrug my shoulders a little higher. The Replacements were the most recent band to make news when they announced that they would be reuniting to headline Riot Fest this summer. Nothing against the Replacements or Riot Fest, but big fucking deal. It’s crazy that one of the most respected punk bands of all time can reunite for the first time in 20 years and all I can say is “big fucking deal,” but these are the times we live in, and at this point, no band’s reunion would surprise me.

Off the top of my head, here are a few bands, good or bad, who have reunited in some capacity over the last couple years: The Afghan Whigs, At the Drive-in, Blink-182, Boy Sets Fire, CIV, Crime in Stereo, Fifteen, Finch, Gameface, Grade, Hot Snakes, Hot Water Music, Indecision, Judge, Kill Your Idols, My Bloody Valentine, Nine Inch Nails, On the Might of Princes, pg.99, Pixies, Planes Mistaken for Stars, Plow United, Refused, Rocket from the Crypt, Sense Field, Spitalfield, The Suicide Machines, Texas is the Reason, Quicksand, and Weston.

Greg Ginn, same as it ever was

The Black Flag reunion(s) was the one that broke the camel’s back. It just proved that nothing is sacred. There was something so surreal about seeing Greg Ginn and his skeleton crew drag their way through classic material and fart out new songs. It was like seeing your grandfather rise from his grave, make himself a grilled cheese sandwich, and shit his pants. The band I’m keeping an eye on is Minor Threat. If I hear Minor Threat are getting back together, it will be like hearing Derek Jeter used steroids. I will probably quit punk all together and start listening to military marching bands. But fortunately, Ian Mackaye seems like the type of guy who would let everyone he loves die of cancer before cashing in on a reunion tour.

It’s kind of surprising to see music fans who are still legitimately shocked and excited about bands getting back together. It’s like watching an infant fall for peek-a-boo over and over again; they always have the same reaction. Neutral Milk Hotel announces a tour and the Internet collectively responds: “Ermahgerd, that was my favorite band!” The Postal Service announces a tour and the Internet collectively responds: “Ermahgerd, that was my favorite band!” Hey, guess what. NOT ALL OF THESE FUCKING BANDS CAN BE EVERYONE’S FAVORITE BAND. Some bands were just OK or even plain ol’ sucked. And even those bands are getting back together to someone’s excitement. I saw people on Twitter getting amped over a Knapsack reunion. KNAPSACK. In my best Michael Bluth impression, I say, “…Them?” In case you aren’t familiar with Knapsack, you probably didn’t spend much time browsing record store 99 cent bins in the late 90s. And yet, their reunion prompted someone to give a shit.

There seem to be two kinds of people who are actually into reunion shows. The first is the younger crowd who says, “I never got to see them when they were around so let me enjoy this!” Yeah, you missed them back when they were together. Because that was in the past. That’s how time works. Not sure why you need to collect the experiences of seeing every band you’ve ever liked as if they’re Pokemon, but would you take this entitled attitude toward anything else, like sports? Would you call Muhammed Ali and say, “Hey, Mr. Ali. I know you barely comprehend where you are these days, but I never got to see your fight with George Foreman. Would you mind stepping back into the ring and re-enacting it for me?” This sounds like an exaggeration but if you get a chance, watch the Bad Brains documentary called A Band in DC, which makes it pretty clear that the band’s legendary frontman, H.R., is no longer entirely mentally stable, nor does he seem interested in performing Bad Brains songs anymore. And yet the band props him up on stage and Weekend-at-Bernie’s his ass from city to city, selling hot sauce. The guy once did backflips during performances and now he’s literally sitting down on stage, mumbling his way through “Sailin’ On,” and this is what you people are bragging about seeing? Saying you saw Bad Brains play in a basement in ‘83 is cool. Saying you saw them with 300,000 other people at Lollapalooza in 2013 makes you an accomplice to the crime of musicide.

Please make it stop.

The other type of people who get excited about reunions are the older music fans who have saved up enough money by not going to a show or buying a new record over the last 10 years that they can afford the hundreds or thousands of dollars it costs to fly to overpriced fests for a weekend. Their argument seems to be, “This band got me into punk back in 1980-whenever-the-fuck and don’t you tell me not to use my vacation days to go see them!” Yeah, dude. Great idea. You should toooootally go see them. They’ll probably be just as good as you remember. You should also call your high school girlfriend while you’re at it. I’m sure she’s exactly how you left her and hasn’t put on 40 lbs and plunked out three kids or anything.

Look, I’m not trying to shit all over everyone’s good time. If you want to see the Replacements this summer and have the cash to do so, by all means, see the Replacements. But maybe—just maybe—you might want to check out the 10 dollar show at the small venue around the block instead. There’s a local band playing their first show there. They will end up being the next Replacements and you’re missing them. But don’t worry, you can always drop a thousand bucks to see them reunite in 20 years.

Dan Ozzi has a lot of feelings, and most of them are objectively correct. He runs Jaded Punk and you can find him on Twitter here - @danozzi