Features

Which Popstar Would You Want To Be Mayor?

By Aleks Eror

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Spider, with his election campaign "staff".
 
As Pussy Riot prepare to toil through the incoming Siberian winter, groans of discontent continue to rumble through Russia. Unfortunately for self-elected PM Putin, these griping miscreants simply can’t be shipped out to the Gulag camps fast enough for the proletariat to blink and miss the protests on their doorstep.
 
Sensing a growing demand for politicians with expertise that goes beyond plucking fingernails, the kitsch metal band Korrosia Metalla’s talismanic front man, Sergey ‘Spider’ Troitsky, has announced via YouTube that he will run for mayoral office in the Moscow suburb of Khimki.
 
Kooky Limbaugh-esque ideas, like installing atmospheric air conditioning to cool all of Moscow and closing civil servant jobs to anyone who isn’t German, have quickly made him a front-runner (in our eyes, at least). But this has also raised an important question: would a popstar make a better mayor than the blue-blooded, fox hunting Honey Monster look alike London has now?
 
A democratic question demands a democratic answer, so I took to the streets to find out. London, if you could replace Boris Johnson with any musician, who would it be?
 
Victoria, 16 and Mimi, 16 Essex.
 
Victoria: Kurt Cobain!
 
Noisey: Even though he’s dead?
Yeah. Why not? I think he’s a legend, and you need to be a legend to get the people to like you.
 
Do you think Boris is a "legend"?
What sort of question is that?
 
An important one. What would he have to do to win you over?
Wear platform shoes or dye his hair black.
 
Do goths make good mayors?
I don’t know, we haven’t had one yet.
 
Good point. 
 
 
Ron, 104, Unemployed: Johnny Rotten.
 
Noisey: Why’s that?
I like the Sex Pistols. If not him, though, then that one in U2. 
 
Bono? Why do you think he’d make a good mayor?
He’s knows all the people.
 
You’ve said Johnny Rotten and Bono, there’s a tiny bit of a contrast there. Which one would be better?
David Bowie. These people who write music, they’ve all got degrees in art. All of them, and a lot of artists know what’s going on in the world, don’t they?
 
Er, yeah, I guess so. 
 
 
Belle, 16 (centre), performing arts student, Essex: Frank Ocean, he’s so chilled out.
 
Noisey: You'd elect him 'cos he’s a chill bro?
Yeah. And he’s into gay rights. We come from a performing arts school, so we’re quite big with the gay community.
 
OK. If Frank Ocean were mayor, would Tyler be his deputy?
Yeah, and weed would be legalized. It would be sick.
 
So those are the big issues for you, marijuana and gay rights?
Hell yeah!
 
Either of you other guys have an opinion?
[All] No, we’re just all for marijuana.
 
Thanks, ladies, that's very insightful.
 
 
Greg, 46, Student, Southend: Well, that’s such a bizarre question that I’ve never given it any thought. The only person that springs to mind who seems to have anything to do with political news is Brian May from Queen. I don’t agree with him on the badger stuff, though. I think that should be decided by people who live in the country.
 
What mayoral qualities does he have?
He’s politically active and I saw him on the telly last week talking about badger culling.
 
You seem pretty clued up about badger culling. Do you live in the countryside?
No, I live in Southend, which is some sort of a lunatic asylum.
 
Do you own a badger?
No.
 
Would you own a badger?
No, I’d eat it. I don’t give a fuck about badgers. I really don’t. I don’t think I’ve actually seen a badger, except for on the telly.
 
 
Gary, 29, Features Editor, London: Flava Flav. He’s my style inspiration for autumn/winter ’13.
 
Why?
I just really like clocks. I had a really nice one left to me and I’m trying to incorporate it into my daily outfit. So yeah, Flava Flav.
 
Did you know his teenage daughter beat him up?
Nice. I respect the fact that he didn’t fight back, I guess.
 
But, don’t you think he's untrustworthy? He’s sold himself as this militant guy, but then gets beat up by a girl.
I’d be more shocked had he beaten up his daughter, rather than allowing his daughter to hit him. It shows that, even though he is this militant gangsta, he’s got respect for people deep down, right? He doesn’t necessarily need to fight with violence, which is a good sign.
 
He also tried to start a line of chicken shops.
I guess that’s entrepreneurial and, in this economic climate, I respect him for trying something.
 
Are there any other issues that concern you politically?
No, just the clocks.
 
All valid points. Thanks guys!

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