Wow. Another Grammy Award show in the books. And as someone who did not watch literally one single second of it, I can safely say that the true winner of the evening was you, the good people of social media who made the night completely insufferable for the entire internet. As clever and iconoclastic as you might think your commentary about the show was, you actually fall into at least one of the following categories. Thanks for making the internet unbearableâŠ
Advertisement
The Rock Music-Appreciating Complainer
You think itâs total B.S. that artists like Kanye West and Macklemore (or as you hilariously call him, âMacklelessâ) are being praised while bands like KISS are not. Sure, Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin and Paul McCartney won Grammys and the show closed with Dave Grohl and Josh Homme and Trent Reznor but still, STILL, don't let that get in the way of a good complaining. The fact that those legends are even in the same room as âno talent turdsâ like Bruno Mars makes you angry. You also fell asleep at 9 PM.
The Complainer Who Thinks the Grammys Have Gone Downhill Over the Years
Remember back to some arbitrary time when the Grammys were exactly the same but just slightly better? It couldnât at all be because all things seem more significant in retrospect, could it? Nah.
The Feminist Complainer
Well, surprise, surprise: Lots of white male artists won awards for making music. Itâs a good thing weâre still rewarding men for things in 2014 because itâs not enough that they are the President and have penises. And the life cycle of white male relevancy continues. Time to lock yourself in your Tumblr sphere of feminist bloggers who all share your opinion when you say without exaggeration that every single man is the devil.
The Complainer Who Has Daft Punk Jokes for Days
Did you get a load of the helmets on those Daft Punk guys? Man, Iâll bet youâve got a joke about that, huh? And donât worry, that joke hasnât been made four million times over the last 20 years, so go ahead and make it. Oh man, how about if they removed their helmets and were [insert celebrity here] and [other celebrity here], wouldnât that just be something?
Advertisement
The Young Complainer Who Wants to Know WTF These Old Ppl Are
um like sorry but wtf is paul mcartny ?? he looks like my aunt linda lol dear cbs plz get these old ppl off my tv so i can see more of queen bey
The Socially Outraged Complainer
You cannot believe that with all the suffering and famine and wars out there, people care so much about a stupid award show. Do you know how many children in Egypt it took to make Pharrell Williamsâ shoes? A lot. Wake up, people. Music award shows are a distraction from the real issues. [insert websites for how to get involved and be an even more insufferable human being here]
The Complainer Who Points Out What Else is on TV
Uh, guys, not sure how you can watch the Grammys when Major League 2 is on TBS right now. #winning
The Suicidal Complainer
What?! Katy Perry lost to that little b*tch Lorde? And Taylor lost to Daft Punk?? Ugh, youâre just gonna go kill yourself. (Please do not kill yourself. Katy Perry makes millions of dollars per second and legitimately doesnât care about you.)
The Complainer Who Points Out the Age of Everything
Wow, Lorde was born two years after Kurt Cobain died. Can you believe that??? Not like time is linear or anything. Thanks for the update, you human BuzzFeed article.
The Complainer Who Watched Royal Rumble Instead
Who cares about the Grammys, you got #16 in the Royal Rumble and it was the Great Khali. GODDAMMIT!Dan Ozzi is the worst kind of complainerâthe kind who complains about complaining. Follow him on Twitter - @danozzi
ONE EMAIL. ONE STORY. EVERY WEEK. SIGN UP FOR THE VICE NEWSLETTER.
By signing up, you agree to the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy & to receive electronic communications from Vice Media Group, which may include marketing promotions, advertisements and sponsored content.
You think itâs total B.S. that artists like Kanye West and Macklemore (or as you hilariously call him, âMacklelessâ) are being praised while bands like KISS are not. Sure, Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin and Paul McCartney won Grammys and the show closed with Dave Grohl and Josh Homme and Trent Reznor but still, STILL, don't let that get in the way of a good complaining. The fact that those legends are even in the same room as âno talent turdsâ like Bruno Mars makes you angry. You also fell asleep at 9 PM.
Well, surprise, surprise: Lots of white male artists won awards for making music. Itâs a good thing weâre still rewarding men for things in 2014 because itâs not enough that they are the President and have penises. And the life cycle of white male relevancy continues. Time to lock yourself in your Tumblr sphere of feminist bloggers who all share your opinion when you say without exaggeration that every single man is the devil.
Did you get a load of the helmets on those Daft Punk guys? Man, Iâll bet youâve got a joke about that, huh? And donât worry, that joke hasnât been made four million times over the last 20 years, so go ahead and make it. Oh man, how about if they removed their helmets and were [insert celebrity here] and [other celebrity here], wouldnât that just be something?
um like sorry but wtf is paul mcartny ?? he looks like my aunt linda lol dear cbs plz get these old ppl off my tv so i can see more of queen bey
You cannot believe that with all the suffering and famine and wars out there, people care so much about a stupid award show. Do you know how many children in Egypt it took to make Pharrell Williamsâ shoes? A lot. Wake up, people. Music award shows are a distraction from the real issues. [insert websites for how to get involved and be an even more insufferable human being here]
What?! Katy Perry lost to that little b*tch Lorde? And Taylor lost to Daft Punk?? Ugh, youâre just gonna go kill yourself. (Please do not kill yourself. Katy Perry makes millions of dollars per second and legitimately doesnât care about you.)
Wow, Lorde was born two years after Kurt Cobain died. Can you believe that??? Not like time is linear or anything. Thanks for the update, you human BuzzFeed article.
