What if All of Your Indie Rock Heroes Had Superhero Origin Stories?
I’m at Comic Con all weekend so I’ve been thinking a lot about origin stories. Origin stories not only make for a great first entry into a trilogy of superhero films, they’re also the establishing cultural capital of every comic book character that exists. With that in mind, let’s make up some origin stories for some famous musicians.
MF Doom forged his mask out of steel and put it on when it was too hot forever scarring his face and totally destroying his self-esteem. That’s why he doesn’t play live, because he’s constantly afraid everyone is going to call him a dumbass.
Drake was found in one of the lost pyramids somewhere in the Nile. His dick is actually made out of rubies.
DUDE FROM DIIV
He probably smoked radioactive weed or something, but the more I think about it I’m pretty sure the guy from DIIV is definitely not a superhero.
It is a little known fact that Rick Ross is actually The Sandman, but instead of falling into a weird particle accelerator, his matter was reconstructed after he ate soup that was too hot on his private jet.
Drew Millard’s body fused with the very soul of North Carolina after he ate Bojangles three times in one day. That means if you cut down a tree in North Carolina, Drew will feel a slight pang of discomfort somewhere in his body.
He’s the banished son of God. He’s like indie-rock game Thor. He’s here to help lead the human race to enlightenment and also to show off his otherworldly angelic looks.
Patrick is actually one of the fake vigilante Batmans from the beginning of The Dark Knight.
Skrillex was bitten by a crazy outer-space Bass Bug. His hair is actually the direct genetic reaction to its powers.
Stephen Malkmus is like Batman, in that he doesn’t have any superpowers, in fact all of his majesty can be tied back to a brief Nietzsche phase in 11th grade.
Chris Cornell stole the bastardized blessing of the six-headed pagan gods by sacrificing a goat over a pile of Kerrang magazines.
Eric Sundermann fell into a pit of toxic waste with his LOL shirt on and now he is like the Joker.