What I Learned about Style from Jennifer Lopez's "Love Don't Cost A Thing"

In the words of jLo, "The last thing I need is another bracelet."

Nice smell-a-fart-face-bb. She's probably right. But it's her birthday, and she's mad. And while an excess of precious metals isn't exactly a recurring problem in my life, we all know what it's like to be too stubborn to dignify someone with the lecture they deserve. Which is where passive aggression, reckless driving, and throwing things come in. Since jLo is clearly the most glamorous angry woman out there, she's giving you the tools you need to step up your rage game and do passive aggression the sexy way.

COMMIT TO YOUR LUXURY BEIGES
Curate a wardrobe inspired by champagne, gold bars, and South Beach sand. Not only does it look like money, but it also doubles as an effective prop to throw around in a glamour-rage. Pro tip: when planning a dramatic show of emotion, choose your statement pieces wisely. You can't kick off your Ugg mules and throw a hoodie and expect to make an impact.

PROTECT AQUATIC WILDLIFE: ALWAYS KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR ANOTHER WOMAN'S ANGRILY DISCARDED BEACHSIDE GOLD
Love may not cost a thing, but last I heard chains do. The next time you see a shimmering female talking to herself in her champagne convertible, grab your metal detector and follow suit.

BE ONE WITH YOUR GOLD ACCESSORIES
Take these sunglasses: where does the lens end and jLo begin? She transcends mere aesthetic coordination and becomes her own gold statement piece.

Case in point: jLo was clearly blasted with industrial strength shimmer powder, but her extreme palette dedication shows commitment and follow-through. Her man should have taken the hint. See? Passive aggression can be glamorous.

AVOID CONFRONTATION: ROLL AROUND ON THE BEACH TO LET OUT ANGER
JLo keeps her lectures seductive by giving us a diatribe about relationship values while rolling around in a gold bikini (naturally). The effectiveness of her rant is diminished, but you know, THAT BODY.

BE CONFIDENT: ALWAYS KEEP A POSTCARD OF YOURSELF ON FILE
And by on file, I mean in your back pocket.

APPRECIATE THIS LOOK FROM AFAR
Just when you were thinking, “This video doesn't feel that dated. I could totally still wear a chain as a belt… right?” The tropical dance breakdown comes out of nowhere to slap you to your senses. Never attempt. Ever. Completely unrelated to the rest of the video. Totally necessary.

Things I don't miss in this world? Baby tees: universally unfortunate. But the dance, the Dickies, the braids. Just, yes.

STRUT LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING
Make sure everyone is watching.

The last thing Amalia texted Noisey Style was this picture followed by: "LMAO: Play that ass like a violin." We have yet to respond but she is on Twitter - @graztifarian. Want more jLo? Well duh Noisey did a guide to her. Feast upon it.