What I Learned About Style from 17 Beyoncé Videos

On Friday the 13th at midnight, King Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter dropped an independent album in our laps. Depending on where you sit on the neurotic scale, Friday the 13th is either geared to be the luckiest day of your life or 24 hours of abject terror. This time around the former proved to be true. With her 17-track offering came a series of videos—one for each track—where Bey plays a number of roles ranging from super fucking Houston, to revolutionary, to a religious statue, and any other method acting you’ve ever wanted to come from Beysus. The result is a visual blueprint for life as we know it.

I’m fashion appropriately challenged, meaning sometimes I dress like an asshole for functions that require something non-assholey. Or I’ll wear sweatpants to your kid’s party to let you know that I don’t give a fuck about Chuck E. Cheese. It’s not the greatest habit to have, but I never tried molly so I guess my bad habit is less detrimental to my brain cells. However, after watching every one of the 17 videos bestowed upon us from Beythoven herself, I realize that I’ve been right more times than I’ve been wrong when it comes to festivity couture. For the things I was unclear about, Beybraham Lincoln cleared it all up. I’ve emerged a better person because of it, and so can all of you. Here are the life lessons brought to us from Beyoncé, broken down video by video.

“PRETTY HURTS”
I’m still waiting on that Pulitzer, but I have won a few accolades in my day. One was for “Honorable Mention” at my 6th grade science fair for making a battery out of a lemon. I came home, holding back tears and shouting “I… got… Honorable Mention!” so proudly to my grandmother while my mom hid the ribbon in her purse at my request. I also have three trophies: one for spending three years in dance school, one for spending five years in dance school, and one for spending seven years in dance school. I didn’t deserve any of these because I danced like I was missing a few extremities. Point is, I can display all of those awards now and do this:

and this…

Beyoncé teaches us that with a bejeweled bra, all things are possible. Oh, and then of course we have this:

Now most women struggle with what to wear to the gym. If it’s a women’s gym we always dress like the second day of our period, but co-ed gyms are a fight to be sweaty and sexy. Bey’s like, “Just wear a gold girdle and you’ll be fine.” Who knew? In the ongoing pursuit of seeming fashionable while simultaneously retro, no one thought to incorporate that into gym attire. King Bey did, naturally. Go forth with your Crunch memberships.

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“GHOST”
If you’re going to be demure, do it with your eyes closed.

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“HAUNTED”
Justin Timberlake. Jay-Z. Diane Keaton. These are all individuals who thought they could really rock a suit and tie. That is until Beyoncé got her hands on a tux and made us all realize we’ve been tying ties so stupidly. The real way to tie a tie is to have it hang on both sides like a double dose of flaccid penises. She’s wearing dicks around her neck because she emasculates even the toughest of men. Call her king.

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“DRUNK IN LOVE”
There is no real appropriate way to bring your childhood trophies to events to show people unless you’re displaying them at your mom’s house (refer to the “Pretty Hurts” stills). Bey says brings them on the beach and swings them around. This summer, I will come to the beach with my 7-year dance school trophy and shout “Ballet, Jazz, and Tap, bitches! Get on my level.” Beyoncé taught me good.

Imma let you finish KimYe, but this is how you gaze from behind the shoulder of your man while straddling him. You’re “Bound 2” figure it out now that Jayoncé showed you how it’s done.

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"BLOW"
I just got back from LA, where I contemplated buying a lowrider bicycle. That was until I saw this video while I was there and realized I would never look like this on my bike. The bottom line here is that if you’re going to venture into the world of “I’m too damn old to be on a child’s method of transportation,” you best rock animal prints, a bikini top, and AC Slater pants. End of story. Bonus points if you rock some hi-top LA Gear sneakers.

Message to Drake: if you’re gonna be so damn sensitive. At least be black light sensitive.

Refer to my initial notes on proper gym attire. Eighties aerobics gear works perfectly with a Brazilian wax. That’s probably the only real reason to get them because they hurt like a muthafucker.

Every time I try to roller skate, I look like a baby deer taking its first step on a sheet of ice. Now I know why: I was wearing pants, and they restricted my movement. Problem solved.

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“NO ANGEL”
Ever meet those douchebag guys from the East Coast who visit places like Texas and buy ten-gallon hats to “fit in with the natives”? Ladies, never take the man’s lead. If you’re frequenting the Texas area (primarily Houston), then dress like this. If you’re in Austin though, just dress like you’re in Williamsburg.

All it takes is a Houston Rockets jersey and the no pants dance to look relaxed and sexy. Note to self.

- - - - "YONCE"
Here are a series of photos that will surely circulate after Rihanna jumps from a building because she realized this whole time she’s been doing it wrong:

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“PARTITION”
Sometimes when my eyes get strained, I have to wear Tina Fey glasses, and I have a guy friend who always says, “Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” without fail. This photo is for you, jerk.

Masquerade balls are really fun sometimes, but now your paper mask looks so sad next to this:

And here you thought you knew everything about yoga:

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“JEALOUS”
I’m also not very good at pool. Once again, it’s because I wear pants when I play.

Okay, this right here is a game changer. Matching your lipstick to the color of your coat? Whaaaaaat? Of course don’t try this while wearing a denim jacket or else you might look like you have frostbite. Or a heart condition.

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“ROCKET”
I have about 15 friends (I don’t know that many people, so cut that number in half) who say to me, “I only smoke when I drink,” and then they slut about at the front door of bars waiting for a hot guy to come light the fair-weather cigarette dangling from their mouths. Here’s a tip from Beyoncé: instead of looking like Gerty, the 65 year old late night waitress at a diner in Topeka, waiting for her “cig” break, hop on the roof of a car and demand your light there.

Oh btw, Beyoncé lives in the matrix:

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“MINE”
I love watching those videos where evangelists pause videos from Beyoncé’s performances to focus on her eyes and prove to everyone that she’s possessed. I’d like to direct those yahoos to the above photo, because it will soon be painted in the Sistine Chapel. That cool new Pope won’t mind at all.

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“XO”
If you’re going to an amusement park, make sure you’re repping Brooklyn while you’re there. R.I.P. Biggie.

I used to have a boss who would wear mouse ears at work to be “quirky.” One day I put them on, and I looked mentally challenged. Now I know it was because I wasn’t squatting.

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“FLAWLESS”
Why is it that every time I button a flannel shirt to the top button I look like a gang member? Perhaps it’s because I’m not wearing a solid gold choker to break up the picnic pattern. That must be it:

Hey married/engaged women: it’s totally okay to wear other rings on your left hand. We won’t assume your relationship is “on the rocks” or that you don’t love your man enough. We also don’t care about your ring. That “OH MAH GERD it’s so bright ya blindin’ me” reaction to your diamond is to be cute and avoid any discussion about your ring. Beyoncé is in a power couple and has like 26 rings on her left hand. Pay attention.

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“SUPERPOWER”
Timbaland released a video years back for his song “Scream” with Keri Hilson and Nicole Scherzinger. The girls were jacking cars and wearing ninja-style ski masks. I remember thinking, “Wow, how sexy is THAT look?” Then this happened, and I realize now that they were doing it wrong:

Ladies, if you’re going to streak your hair with blue and set forth into the revolution, make sure you bring your less fabulous friends to flank you because then everyone will notice how fierce your hair looks. (Nice underboob btw Bey.)

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“HEAVEN”
So the song “Heaven” is about a wedding and a funeral. Here’s how Bey says to dress for either. Or both.

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“BLUE”
Mothers, if you can find a sexy version of your daughter’s outfit, it’s perfectly fine to coordinate with her.

Okay, how cute is Blue Ivy though?

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“GROWN WOMAN”
Most homecoming/prom queens from high school now have a weight problem according to Facebook. If you find yourself not falling into the majority, dress like this to reminisce on that moment you peaked:

Sidebar: in the “Grown Woman” video, Beyoncé has childhood videos where she superimposed mouths on young her singing along to the song. It can either be that or she has a DeLorean and taught her younger self the words to the song. Back To The Future 4 starring Beyoncé D. Fox:

So after a bunch of Destiny's Child albums and four solo projects, Beyoncé finally gives us the self-titled business. She's been snatching our wigs for years, but this time she came for our skulls. I wonder how my brain would look with a bejeweled headband?

Kathy's love for Bey knows no bounds and she's on Twitter - @kath3000.