What Do Parents Think of Emo? We Turned to Yahoo! Answers

Yahoo! Answers is the internet’s insanity chamber where people represented by cartoon avatars congregate to seek life advice from anonymous deranged lunatics. The same questions get asked ad nauseum until the least worst answer is agreed upon by a system of votes and the asker races off to apply this unlicensed, non-professional advice to their everyday life.

Parenting is one of the most popular categories in the land of Yahoo! Answers because, well, people with Yahoo! email addresses should not be trusted to procreate. And while topics range from everything to the ethics of spaking your ungrateful little spawn to whether or not jumping up and down after sex as an effective birth control method, there’s one question that arises time after time. It’s the question every parent must ask themselves and a forum of complete strangers: Is my child an EMO?

Countless parents have typed this question, or some variation of it, into Yahoo! Answers over the years, seeking advice. Sadly, though, we are no closer to understanding the elusive Emo Child, despite the literature on the subject or the articles on how to gain acceptance from your parents on your emo lifestyle. So in an attempt to offer some professional advice on rearing your Emo Child, here are some real questions in Yahoo! Answers along with our expert opinions.

Do not be afraid to spank your large emo son. He will fight and squirm but his soft emo bottom craves the punishing touch of your firm but loving open hand.

Yes, emos can in fact be Christian. Your beautiful raccoon child will still be embraced by the light of God.

Frankly, it is irresponsible, and illegal in most states, to procreate when you possess the goth/emo gene, even if it is recessive, and now the unfortunate has happened and you’ve brought a goth/emo-positive child into this world. Now you must bear responsibility for your own wreckless actions.

Hi, Judy. You’re really asking two questions here, so let’s break them up. First, yes, you’ve identified the most dangerous of the emo bands: Korn, System of a Down, Green Day, and the Sum 41s. Now let’s talk about Aaron. You sure seem to spend a lot of time looking at Aaron and his pants, some might even say to an unhealthy degree. Maybe it's time to explore your own feelings there.

Ah, yes. Emo fashion has reared its ugly head in your home in the form of trousers and jumpers. What kind of son, you may be asking, would not want to wear a fresh pair of trousers or skip through the park in his new jumper? Hard to say. Buy him a gift certificate to Hot Topic so that he may purchase his own dungarees, overalls, and slacks.

You’ve been caught in your own lie here about climbing through the window. Every minute that your son spends in his room unsupervised, his Emo Power grows stronger and stronger. He will soon be a Level 12 Emo and there is nothing you can do about it except regret your decision to make disciplinary promises you couldn’t keep in your two-story mansion.

Should you buy your girlfriend’s son razor blades as a Christmas gift? Is that the question? Just want to make sure we’re clear that you’re inquiring about whether or not it’s a good idea to buy a potentially depressive teenager a razor blade as a gift. That said, it’s a great idea! You should definitely do that.

Tough love is sometimes the hardest love. But you’ve recognized early on that your son is bad at his art and the best thing you can do for him is force him stop all together. Lord knows the world is full of Young Emos who would’ve benefited from a good reality check from their parents.

This is terrible news about your grandson. The Emo Clan is one of the deadliest gang of street toughs out there. Headed by Master Shredder, the Emo Clan is a group of samurai who seek magical eyeliner crystals which they believe will grant them powers and wealth beyond their wildest dreams. Only you and a group of anthropomorphic pet turtles well versed in the art of ninjutsu are capable of stopping the dreaded Emo Clan.

Well, first off, you should know that because you used your daughter’s account, she will know that you are asking strangers for advice on her industrial piercing. That, by the way, is when you pierce your nipples together and then connect that to your belly button and connect that to your genitals so that you walk around hunched over all day. This is why the emo bands you mentioned like Slipknot and Dc Ac have such terrible posture.

The dreaded Emo Gene stems from a boy’s maternal grandfather. This has been proven by studies at the Minnesota Emological Institute.

Wow, it sounds like what you have there is a well-adjusted, very happy 15-year-old kid. Maybe go spend more time with her instead of wasting your life away in front of your Dell talking to a bunch of trolls.

Well, I’ve got some bad news for you. Look at your question. The poetic cadence, the identity confusion, the blind hatred… you have spent so much time hating the emos that you have become one yourself.

Got questions about your large emo sons or raccoon daughters? Feel free to ask Dan Ozzi on Twitter - @danozzi