Every once in a while, we open up the floodgates of social media and give the unwashed masses thirty minutes to tweet their music at us. We listen to all of it, and then review it. We do this because even though most music gargles turd smoothies, some of it is awesome, and we want to discover the unheard geniuses who lurk us on Twitter Dot Com. So, this is us doing that. The weird part is we have no problem with completely savaging your music, yet you continue to send it to us anyway. Go figure.

(All reviews by Drew Millard, Dan Ozzi, and Eric Sundermann)

Drew:

This sort of band makes me regret becoming a music journalist, because there is a 50% chance they will become huge.

Dan:

This band could be huge. I mean, they could be huge if they went back to 2005 when white people liked this kind of music.

Eric:

I’m five seconds in and this sounds like a Dirty Projectors knockoff and I would’ve played the shit out of this music on my college radio show.

Drew:

A lot of music I like makes me go “What the fuck?” Then again, a lot of music I hate makes me go “What the fuck?” too.

Dan:

Pretty cool how this dude took a bassline from

School House Rock

and turned it into an excuse for him to do his dumb retro British rap schtick all over this.

Eric:

There are a lot of colors and it seems like the ‘80s and this guy has a British accent so this is funny, right? This is funny. This is funny? This is funny. Funny.

Drew:

This sounds like it was much, much more interesting to make than it is to actually listen to, which, in case you were wondering, is me insulting this.

Dan:

New rule for the rest of these reviews: I will only review actual music, not what happens when a cat leans on your synthesizer, which is what this is.

Eric:

This sound like what a cover of the

Fader

looks like.

Drew:

Totally down with a two-minute EP. Everyone should take cues from Blind Obedience.

Dan:

Nothin’ wrong with this. 30-second Kid Dynamite-sounding jams. Sounds like it was recorded from down a block away though. Get a little closer to the mics, guys.

Eric:

PHILADELPHIA STRAIGHT EDGE.

Drew:

I give a LOT of bad music slack, but this is something I cannot tolerate.

Dan:

My opinion of anyone whose name starts with YUNG is completely worthless. I dunno. Way to say “bitches” like, 8,000 times, bro.

Eric:

I’m honestly surprised Drew didn’t call this amazing.

Drew:

I wouldn’t hate this if it came on while I was playing

Tony Hawk Pro Skater

.

Dan:

My bar must set so remarkably low for these entries because I’m starting to think a band doing a shameless H2O ripoff like this one sounds like fucking Mozart.

Eric:

This is getting me so amped about Mountain Dew.

Drew:

What if this had been a Weird Al-ization of “Promiscuous Girl” instead of a bunch of idiot college kids ripping off Ween?

Dan:

This sounds exactly like

this scene

from Hot Rod, an underrated movie.

Eric:

Well, first off. This is a PRERELEASE EXCLUSIVE STREAM, so thanks for that, Ignorant Girl. But this sounds like if Adam Sandler’s band in

The Wedding Singer

tried to get “complicated.”

Drew:

Dumb name, non-dumb song.

Dan:

Holy shit. Wait. Did we actually stumble across something good? I really like this. DC post-hardcore stuff that is completely listenable and dare I say, likeable? Let’s call it a day here, guys. I don’t need to listen to anymore of these.

Eric:

I like the band name?

Drew:

No you don't.

Drew:

Doesn’t matter how often the music press declares dance-rock dead, people will still keep making it because nobody actually reads music journalism.

Dan:

I can’t take this seriously until the guitarist fixes his goddamn collar and puts his strap on the right shoulder. And even then probably not, given that this is a song about Maury Povich’s paternity tests. True story: I met Maury once. Nice guy. But his wife, Connie Chung, is the fucking NICEST.

Eric:

What I’m about to say is both lazy and mean, but I feel like the quality of this music doesn’t deserve much more. This song just sucks.

Drew:

Things I don’t care about: polyrhythms, tremolo guitars, key changes, this band.

Dan:

I dunno, man. Unless I’m just in a particularly good mood. This is not the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t really need another twinkly emo band, but on a scale of ONE to IT COULD BE A LOT FUCKING WORSE, it could be a lot fucking worse.

Eric:

I eat poop.

Drew:

This gets points for the name (Kaktus Gang), the art (nudes of Dragon Ball Z girls), and the song titles (“Mudbutt,” “Dogs Stay Farting”), but gets about a million points off for sucking poo pills out of a baby rabbit’s asshole.

Dan:

This Dragonball-themed band just reminded me that this month, I found out about a Brony-themed metal band. I emailed them for an interview and they TURNED ME DOWN. Truly sobering career moment right there.

Eric:

This makes me wish I had mudbutt.

[Learn how to get your music heard at ReverbNation.com](http://www.reverbnation.com/band-promotion/promoteit?utmcampaign=afeaturespromoteit&utmmedium=widget&utmsource=HTML5Player&utmcontent=widgetfooter_Learn how to get your music heard at ReverbNation.com)

Drew: This is a song about not trusting anyone and not listening to yes-men. What are this dude’s yes-men saying? To not make music? Because he should listen to them, for once.
Dan: I just put this on while taking out some Pop Tarts and Eric stole some without asking and now I’m in a bad mood again. I don’t like this and I want my Pop Tart back, Eric.
Eric: Yum. (For the record, that “yum” was referring to the stolen P-Op T-Art, not K-Lub).

[Learn how to get a song on itunes at ReverbNation.com](http://www.reverbnation.com/band-promotion/how-to-sell-music-on-itunes?utmcampaign=afeaturesdistribution&utmmedium=widget&utmsource=HTML5Player&utmcontent=widgetfooterLearn how to get a song on itunes at ReverbNation.com)

Drew: #StayWoke rap, my favorite rap. Oh wait, no this is terrible.
Dan: This is the type of music your sister’s scumbag boyfriend who works at the gas station would make.
Eric: I’d totally make this if I was stoned. In other news, I actually am your sister’s scumbag boyfriend.

Drew:

Is it possible to feel completely ambivalent about a piece of music?

Dan:

This had literally zero impact on me. That’s what music is all about, right?

Eric:

It’s emotional and poetic, because he’s rapping soft. Get it?

Drew:

I love everything about this, especially the fact that the dudes in this video aren’t particularly well-muscled.

Dan:

Is that the woman from the Borat movie? Good for her. I can’t hate on her for this. She made a song about being horny and filled her video with a buncha dang hunks. Get some, lady from Borat.

Eric:

This is awesome. This is so awesome.

Drew:

The Best Ever Pop Punk Band From Denton, Ohio.

Dan:

This is, by far, the non-suckiest batch of submissions we’ve ever gotten. I don’t know if I would listen to this in my free time, but in between a video about a woman being horny and a bunch of faceless rappers in hoodies, I will embrace this with open fucking arms.

Eric:

This sounds like this band I went to high school with called Silver Ball. They named their band after a pinball machine. I listened to their CD a lot when I was 14 and I fucking loved it.

Dan:

I am 100% certain I could beat up whoever made this.

Drew:

Crazy, because I actually am beating up whoever made this right now. Also, this samples Leonard Nimoy.

Eric:

The album art is good?

Drew:

I imagine me listening to punk band after punk band and not being able to tell any of them apart is like when Dan Ozzi listens to the rap songs I sent him. It’s not that any of these bands suck, it’s just that I just don’t care.

Dan:

This is the kind of band who would open up for a band I do like and then I’d get roped into meeting them later and I’d have to put on this whole act like I caught their set when really I was in the back, hitting on the merch girl.

Eric:

Dan, is this part of the emo revival?

Drew:

Usually dad bands suck much more entertainingly than this.

Dan:

At what age does a person decide they are not good at something? These guys are old as fuck, which is fine, but it doesn’t seem like they’ve learned anything in their collective 800 years on the planet. Give up and collect the social security, guys.

Eric:

I would be kinda into this if the lead singer didn’t look like a rip off version of Moby and the music didn’t sound like a softer, more emotional version of Coldplay. Also, shouts to his earring.

Drew:

“This is dedicated to all these critics. All those social sites. TALK SHIT ABOUT THIS, BITCH!” Hey, Ronnie Radke, maybe you wouldn’t have so much shit talked about you if you didn’t rap poorly over beats that would make Eminem gnaw his own arm off.

Dan:

WHAT FUCKING ASSHOLE SENT ME RONNIE RADKE’S MIXTAPE? WHO DID IT? I ALMOST ENDED UP LISTENING TO THIS SHIT, YOU ASSHOLE. NOW I GOTTA BUY A NEW LAPTOP, YOU HAPPY?

Eric:

This is like if you listen to a Linkin Park song at double speed.

Drew:

Does this dude have a kickstarter that I can donate to? I need a thousand more of this.

Dan:

Can. Not. Look. Away. From. This. Glorious. Trainwreck.

Eric:

Dude, guys. This. I don't know, man. I don't know.

Drew:

This is like Vampire Weekend, without the talent, creativity, cheeky sense of humor, or the burden of having to be unfavorably compared to Vampire Weekend.

Dan:

This is like an Australian Vampire Weekend. I want to be clear that that is not a good thing. Eric? One more vote for Vampire Weekend ripoff?

Eric:

It’s like Vampire Weekend! But kind of out of tune and overall just bad. Is he singing through his nose? Art references!

Dan:

This is the type of shit that plays in the dressing room at Uniqlo.

Drew:

I love Uniqlo tho, Dan.

Dan:

I fuck with their flannel sales, for sure. But the jeans are made for svelt Asian men and not my #beefy #quads.

Eric:

Uniqlo. Great store. I’m wearing Uniqlo socks right now.

Dan:

I’ve never understood noise metal. Why would anyone want to listen to you letting your white guy aggression out? I’ve got my own white guy aggression. Join a gym or something, bro.

Drew

: *does push-ups while grinding teeth down with sandpaper*

Eric:

“Originally recorded by The Birthday Party.” I can hear Nick Cave crying.

Drew:

This is the type of band I would hire to play my wedding if I had no taste and a very, very low budget.

Dan:

Wow, lotta funky basslines in today’s submissions. Too bad they all sound like 70s porn music. This makes me wanna fuck a girl with a hairy bush.

Eric:

songofsummer

[Learn how to get your song on itunes at ReverbNation.com](http://www.reverbnation.com/band-promotion/how-to-sell-music-on-itunes?utmcampaign=afeaturesdistribution&utmmedium=widget&utmsource=HTML5Player&utmcontent=widgetfooterLearn how to get your song on itunes at ReverbNation.com)

Drew: REAL BILL BEST RAPPER ALIVE SWAG SWAG COOK *air fives self*
Dan: This can’t possibly be real. Is this one of Shia Labeouf’s weird performance art things?
Eric: It would sound better if he was wearing a paper bag over his head, Dan.

Drew:

………….

Dan:

I want this guy’s house to burn down with him in it.

Eric:

Shouts to bored white guys with weed watching late night infomercials.

Drew:

It really took six dudes to shit this out?

Dan:

Um, five dudes, and one lady, Drew. Be a progressive human.

Eric:

This sounds like some dusty vinyl my dad gave me that’s sitting on my shelf in my apartment.

Drew:

If I had one wish, I would un-listen to this song.

Dan:

I’m not even going to listen to this. There’s no way it can match the name Dick Forever.

Eric:

There is a lot of sadness in this world.

Dan:

I’m at the point where these are starting to scramble my brain and I can’t actually listen to them anymore.

Drew

: Wait no Dan listen to this! It’s really good!

Dan:

Goddamn you, Drew.

Eric:

This was probably my favorite selection so far. I’m not sure if that makes it good though.

Drew:

Kinda tight this kid sent me his mixtape by saying, “Review my shitty mixtape.”

Dan:

With the name XSenselessX, I really thought it’d be a tough guy straight-edge hardcore band since there are about a million of those. But no, another white rapper, and there are even more of those.

Eric:

At least he’s self-aware?

Drew:

Same.

Dan:

Seems kinda long for a headphones commercial.

Eric:

Wait people still play cassettes? Also, roller blades? Come on. Roller skates would’ve been much more on brand.

Drew:

Under what circumstances would a human want to listen to this? Not a diss, I’m genuinely curious.

Dan:

This sounds like a 3-minute sentence that’s about to start but never does.

Eric:

Drew, I think you listen to this when you grind up some OG Barry Obama and spark the motherfucking bong.

Drew on Twitter - @drewmillard

Dan on Twitter - @danozzi

Eric on Twitter - @ericsundy

Read Volumes One and Two of this series.