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We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume One

This was a horrible idea, but sort of totally fun.

Yesterday, we had a horrible, idiotic, catastrophically no-good idea: We decided that we would open the floodgates and listen to whatever, literally whatever, people sent to us for thirty minutes, and then review it. So, now, we’re doing that.

Why would we do this? Well, for one, we thought it would be funny to make ourselves get spammed by strangers on the internet. Two, because it’s democratic—most of the music blogs deal with is inevitably sent to us by publicity firms, and those publicity firms (generally) cost money, or at least have to be buzzy enough to make a publicist fairly certain they can make money off of the band at some point. That’s unfair to kids who don’t have access—they either don’t know the right people, can’t afford to hire the right people, or have no ability to get in contact with those right people. Who’s to say they can’t achieve greatness? Not fucking us, that’s who.

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Because you people sent us approximately 400,000 submissions, we decided to create a few ground rules to help us sift through the mountain of soundcloud and bandcamp links we got. Here they are.

—Original submissions only, no SoundcloudCamp remixes of Lana del Drake
—Submissions had to include links, because we are lazy
—If someone sent us an album, we had to listen to at least one song
—If you were actively boring, we cut you in favor of awesome shit or shitty shit
—No trolls (unless they were funny)

So, without further adieu, here are a bunch of reviews of stuff people tweeted at us.

(All reviews by Drew Millard, Dan Ozzi, and Eric Sundermann)

Various - Skwee Inna Dancehall
Drew: From what I can tell, this is a bunch of dudes from Canada making shitty dancehall that sounds like it was composed on a Nintendo controller plugged into a MacBook Pro. This record is all kinds of “nah.”
Dan: Yeah, I get the Nintendo game vibe. I can’t listen to this without picturing a bunch of Jamaican robots sitting around trying to beat Contra. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start, robot dudes.
Eric: Video games rule. My roommate recently bought the new WWE game which lets you play as Stone Cold Steve Austin, which is pretty sick. However, this music makes me want to give a stunner to whomever made it. Sorry.

EarthGang - “Machete”
Drew: I figured tweeting a request for submissions into the abyss would end up yielding some low-key sick shit. EarthGang is one of those nuggets of gold buried in the Mount St. Helen of electronic boogers we got sent. From what I can tell, EarthGang is a duo from Atlanta who like to pretend they’re from space. This is weird, and menacing, and I like it. EarthGang for President of All Music!
Dan: Yeah, but dude. The chorus is “Blah blah blah blah blah whatever.” It’s like they wrote this pretty decent song and then were like, “Hey, let’s turn on the Disney Channel and write down the first thing a teen girl says.”
Eric: This is sick. First dude’s flow sounds a bit like if Childish Gambino was having a panic attack. And Dan, I’m sorry, but “blah blah blah blah blah whatever” is pretty dope.

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ItsNate - “Savage”
Drew: I have a pretty intense soft spot for British rap, but this kind of sucks. If you’re a British dude rapping slow you better be Giggs or else I have absolutely no time for you.
Dan: Hi, Nate. I’m not listening to your British rap whatever the fuck until you learn you some rules of grammar. First, it’s “it’s.” Then for chrissake, stick a space before “Nate.” Do you get charged per character at the rap store? Rap stores are a thing, right?
Eric: This beat is sick but honestly I can’t ever get behind British rap. Sorry guys.

@NoiseyMusic @danozzi @ericsundy @drewmillard http://t.co/eRIrJOQsCo

— Winter Storfer (@thestorfer) January 21, 2014

“Jingle Dogs”
Drew: This is a recording of dogs barking “Jingle Bells.” This is the end of my thoughts on the matter.
Dan: Curses, foiled by our own petard! …I mean, uh… oh shit, son, we got pwned.
Eric: This sounds like Yeezus.

Flirt - Fracture Jaws
Drew: This guy’s definitely going for something here, I’m just not really sure what it is. I had to stop listening to it after a minute because it was making my brain melt. Maybe someone will like this though?
Dan: This is the type of shit they play in Guantanamo to make prisoners involuntarily shit their pants.
Eric: This sounds like I’m trapped in a pinball machine while getting bombed by the memory of being a 12-year-old getting his ass kicked in Starfox 64.

Thomas Alzier - “Hylas”
Drew: Dear Thomas Alzier: I hate that you probably paid your graphic designer roommate a bag of cocaine to create that art for you, because it definitely wasn’t worth it. Love, Drew.
Dan: This is the type of shit they play at gyms where people don’t even work out, they just put on super expensive Under Armour shirts and drink all kinds of stupid health drinks. Fuck those people and fuck this song. I will listen to the Hope Conspiracy and outsquat all of you, thank you.
Eric: Dan is really strong and can probably outsquat you. This song is so terrible. I wish I was on molly just so I could write about how sad this song makes me even though I’m on molly which is a drug that literally delivers happy chemicals to your brain.

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The Buttress - “Pilgrims by the Millions”
Drew: Speaking of which, have you guys ever tried Space Coke? It’s what happens when you mix cocaine and molly in lines together. A bunch of my friends did it last New Years, and they ended up throwing up immediately afterwards but had an absolute blast after that. Anyways, this song is art school rap nonsense.
Dan: Are we even listening to the songs anymore, guys? Honestly, I’m cool if we’re not.
Eric: I remember that, Drew. I don’t want to remember this song, though.

@NoiseyMusic @danozzi @ericsundy @drewmillard https://t.co/eHZAovFkio

— lukas hodge (@lukashodge) January 21, 2014

MetallicA7X315 - “Shepherd of Fire (Avenged Sevenfold Cover)”
Drew: I appreciate this. Not because I like it (I don’t), but because it takes balls to record yourself singing an Avenged Sevenfold song in an Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt, and then put that recording of yourself singing an Avenged Sevenfold song in an Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt on YouTube. Avenged Sevenfold is also my 18-year-old cousin’s favorite band, so this gets a pass. Good job, MetallicA7X315!
Dan: Every time you go to the mall or a convenience store, there’s some kid there in an Avenged Sevenfold. Those kids were shaken as babies. Don’t shake your babies, people, or this is how they will grow up.
Eric: I am so ready to play football and beat the living shit out of someone. Also the intro to this song is really long.

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Space Rock - stargazer
Drew: Did the sound work on this for anyone else? I think the point here is this is the sound of rock music in space, which is a vacuum, therefore this is silence.
Dan: No sound for me either. This is the best track so far.
Eric: This is the 2014 version of John Cage.

Barf Troop - Summer Slime
Drew: A good ten percent of the tweets we got were requests to review this group’s tape, so clearly, someone likes them. However, I am not one of those people. Kinda cute they got a beat from Lil Texas, though.
Dan: I was really hoping from the Garbage Pail Kids-looking cover that this was gonna sound like Diarrhea Planet. But no, just diarrhea.
Eric: I do not like this music. Please make this music stop. Please.

MACHINΣ - Desert Sky
Drew: Verily, nay.
Dan: I could probably get into a sick groove skateboarding to this if I wasn’t way heavier and out of shape than I was in high school, when I actually skated.
Eric: God damn there’s a lot of bad music out there.

Toni Marshall - “Ain’t It Funny”
Drew: As I read the tags for this song (chill, bstep, du, dub, rap), I learned that my body was capable of making me vomit out of my eyes.
Dan: Either my brain is starting to rot from all these shitty songs or I kinda don’t hate this.
Eric: Drew will you clean your desk now that there’s vomit on it? Thanks. Also this song has the line “You’re like a sexbook” which is something I’ll just leave here without comment.

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The FBC (Fuck Bitches Collective) - “U Haters R Gonna Be Dead”
Drew: Before the internet rose like the world’s ugliest erection from a pair of sweatpants, I never would have had to ever know this white rap group existed. I am now nostalgic.
Dan: Hey, tip to aspiring rappers: If you put on a mask, we can’t fucking hear you. Which is probably for the best in this case.
Eric: I honestly can’t believe this has 4 likes on YouTube. That’s way, way too many.

J. Carr - “Under the Knife”
Drew: I take all of the stuff I said above back. Dudes rapping awkwardly on the internet is the new punk rock. It’s supposed to suck, it’s all supposed to sound the same, and doing it is embarrassing but will make you a better person in the end.
Dan: Drew, shut up.
Eric: Drew, shut the fuck up.

Search Lights - “Home Again”
Drew: I think I pretended to listen to music like this in high school to seem cool to, uh, someone. This makes me miss MetallicA7X315.
Dan: The world DEFINITELY needed another one of these bands.
Eric: Pretty sure this is the sound Drew’s eyes made when vomit was coming out of them.

A$H Nemesis - “Canter”
Drew: Maybe I’m just numb to the suck of most of these dudes, but this is actually pretty good? Like, this is just an instrumental but I really feel like it sets a mood that tells me something about his soul. Me and A$H Nemesis have basically had a conversation about our hopes and dreams.
Dan: Can I use this as a beat to drop my diss track about the band before us? What rhymes with garbagecore?
Eric: I really appreciate the tags on this sound: “holla” “at” “me” “dot” “com” “here” “wildn” “302” “off” “the” “rip.”

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@drewmillard review this JFK speech: http://t.co/GREB8FYzio

— A Hombre (@aeckhous) January 21, 2014

John F. Kennedy - “We Choose to go to the Moon”
Drew: This is an important speech given by John F. Kennedy about going to the moon. I guess it was a sneak-diss at Russia. His “Human history in the span of 50 years” metaphor is pretty chill, too.
Dan: I wish a President today would have the BALLS to be like, “Yo, we’re going to this new place we’ve never been IN THIS DECADE, bitch! Deal with it, bro!” *puts on Presidential shades, drops mic*
Eric: JFK ruled. That episode of Mad Men when he died was really sad.

Texas Boys Choir - “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day”
Drew: My buddy Phil from college now works at a school in Texas and is apparently involved with a boys choir. This is pretty good, as far as boys choirs go.
Dan: Look at these little weiner kids. Hope they’re not in the choir business for the pus-say. Cause they ain’t getting any in those young Republican outfits.
Eric: I was in choir growing up, Dan, so first off, fuck you, because choir is cool as fuck. Secondly, shouts to these guys and the goosebumps they give themselves when they hit that harmony.

JFX316: Erase Yourself from the Internet
Drew: This is half ambient gurgles, half timid, blunted beats. I was hoping this would be stupid and ridiculous on purpose, but instead it’s unintentionally stupid and ridiculous, which is no way to go through life.
Dan: I got a Casio keyboard when I was 10 years old and this exactly what I did with it. Congrats on sounding like a kid who got a keyboard he only kinda wanted for Christmas. Wait till you discover Mortal Kombat.
Eric: I’m one minute in and still haven’t heard anything except sirens that sound like they’ve been put through some sort of audio-Instagram filter. Fuck this.

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A Cat Named Wolf - “Where Surf Meets the Sky”
Drew: This is a “sound experiment,” right? Want a real sound experiment? Try doing a cannonball into a pool while you’re strapped into a Sony DiscMan. The experiment will end with you being electrocuted by a device that makes sound.
Dan: When you make some Godspeed You Black Emperor shit, you gotta give it epic names with grainy photos of plane wings and shit. Not cats and whatever this shit is.
Eric: I am asleep.

wtgadbj - “Dogdeer!”
Drew: In fifty years, wtgadbj will look back fondly on his memories of being a struggle rapper. He will think wistfully of the time he tweeted his song at Noisey, knowing full well we were probably going to make fun of him, yet did it anyways.
Dan: Honestly, I’m getting really hungry and I can’t listen to this shit anymore. If this dude sends me a bowl of mac and cheese, I will listen to his shitty rap song.
Eric: How do you pronounce wtgadbj? Actually, don’t answer that because that means I have to listen to wtgadbj more and I really don’t want to do that.

Knox - “Daddy Shit”
Drew: Knox is a rapper who tweets his songs at me with an alarming frequency. He is not bad, but also the only people who would think this are cool definitely do not read Noisey. I will now let Dan commence with the slander.
Dan: [Insert my slander here, make it possibly racist against white people if need be.]
Eric: Good job with the slander, Dan. I don’t have anything else to say.

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Crying - Get Out
Drew: I really like how there’s, like, this whole subculture of kids who FUCKING LOVE CHIPTUNE. Like, I guarantee you guys that in three years these guys will remix a Grimes song, tour with Anamanagucci, and then implode after they get in a fight over Molly Soda.
Dan: Drew, do you wanna get pizza?
Eric: I don’t like this song, but I also really like this song. I don’t really understand what’s happening in my brain, but probably because I’m hungry. Anyway I’m down for pizza.

Ronnie D. ft. King - “GTA SHIT (Bodied)”
Drew: Life Hack for aspiring rappers: If you want to film a music video and have zero dollars, just film it in black and white. Anyways, these kids are pretty good and I appreciate their use of sportswear in a music video. Dressing like you’re about to play sports in the club is a big look right now.
Dan: Drew, you didn’t answer my question about the pizza. I’m starting to realize I like that last song though. What is this here? Some rap shit? Nah, I’m not listening to this.
Eric: Oh cool Dan sweet I guess me offering pizza isn’t good enough for you.

China Buffet: Buddha Bangles
Drew: YOU GUYS WE DID IT WE FOUND THE NEXT YUNG LEAN. Too bad this one sucks.
Dan: This guy is named China Buffet? Come on, dudes, I’m fucking hungry! Seriously, can we get some food? This is not part of the review. I’m genuinely hungry.
Eric: This guy’s name is Chinabuffet.

Drew: “I have no thoughts, only emotions that fuel my actions.” Me if I listened to this when I was 15, probably.
Dan: Ha ha, the guy from Saves the Day sent this in. I’m not sure if this is his project or someone else’s. Either way, I’ll probz go listen to Can’t Slow Down now.
Eric: This guy has a breathy voice.

Jokes&Jokes&Jokes - “The Dildo Song”
Drew: I think I know these dudes? Anyways, this song is called “The Dildo Song,” which is neat.
Dan: Man, I’m not listening to this since I’m pretty deep into Can’t Slow Down, but what a great album that was.
Eric: Here is a photo of me holding a dildo:

Noisey on Twitter - @NoiseyMusic

Drew Millard on Twitter - @drewmillard

Dan Ozzi on Twitter - @danozzi

Eric Sundermann on Twitter - @ericsundy