It's that time of the month! We're all on our periods and have taken leave of our senses! We're extremely interested in chocolate and pizza and also the music that you lob at us from the abyss that is the internet! Here is a choice (read: random) selection of music that you tweeted at us yesterday. Please note: these reviews are considered and heartfelt. MUSIC CRITICISM IS ALIVE! (Lester Bangs rolls over in his grave.)

Kyle:

This is a little boilerplate hurt feelings R&B, but the production is good and her voice is solid, and I feel those wounded feelings, so I endorse it. Way better than anything I was expecting from this, and nice plot twist at the end of the video.

Kim:

Asha you’re my kind of girl. In the first minute of this video she’s eating some Cheerios, chowing down on a ham sandwich, getting serious with some chips, and then chomping an apple (balance is important you guys). These visuals mean Asha is upset and the reason is her man is between the sheets with another woman. Asha misses cruising with her ex in his Civic. Girl! Don’t eat yourself into a food coma over this dude. He drives a C-I-V-I-C. In other news, her tone is velvety soft, but this song needs a peak and a punch line.

Fred:

Starts strong and falls apart quickly. Why is she so wasteful with food?

Kyle: This is called "UConn" so I assume it was made in a dorm room. It sounds like a rap song that was made in a dorm room and hopefully will only be played in that exact dorm room. Nice UConn/Yukon pun though.
Kim: Oh this is so schmoove… oh this schmoove loop has been looped four times more than is necessary. This dude could do with taking a breath. He barfs out one long verse and then it fades to grey.
Fred: Good beat. What's with the 1996 sports references?

Kyle:

This does not sound like something tagged "Singer-Songwriter," but I guess it's also tagged "New Jersey." Honestly I am kind of grossed out.

"I love the sound you make when I'm in you"?

Also, is Marri Cromartie one person or just someone with a really intense falsetto?

Kim:

Much like Kyle, I was somewhat distracted by the line:

“I love the sound you make when I’m in you.”

Does that make us prudes? I don’t think so! Now all I can think about is exactly what that sound sounds like.

“Spread your wings/Spread your legs”

is another choice line. Marri is eager to “swim” in his woman “oh so deep.” Best pop on a swimming cap then. SAFETY FIRST!

Fred:

This is making want to lay down. To sleep. Forever.

Kyle: Is their album cover written with poop smeared on the wall?
Kim: Trace of Lime have tagged their music thus:

alternative #progressiverock #experimentalrock #indie #psychadelicrock #Kalamazoo

Kyle:

Yeah, I can definitely see why you guys sucked at sports. But I do hope you learn to love yourselves as much as you love everybody else. I'm into bluegrass emo though. Hot up-and-coming genre.

Kim:

Fiddles! Banjos!

“Someday I will learn to love myself as much as I love everybody else!”

Yeah right. You’re not fooling anyone.

Fred:

You know what we need more of? Indie-country bands. No way are there too many of those. We need millions and millions more. Joking, I hate this shit.

Kyle:

The guy who produced this emails me a lot and I've never listened to his music. Kind of hate the beat, but this guy rapping sounds angry. He seems like he has potential. Is this the first post-Earl Sweatshirt rap or the first post-Childish Gambino rap?

Kim:

I love the sample that sounds like an extremely irritated giant hornet from Turkey. It runs right the way through this tune, which kinda reminds me of French hip-hop crew IAM. This is a good thing.

Fred:

There was a time in the early 2000s where every rapper wanted to sample "weird" and "ethnic" instrumentation. See Busta Rhymes's "Arab Money," Jom Jones's "Pop Champagne," and Jay-Z's "Beware of the Boys" and not this.

Kyle: This sounds kind of like getting hit in the face with a 40. Or a Tumblr. I'm into it though.
Kim: Don’t listen to this when you’re hungover. It’s the opposite of a hug and a nice cup of tea.
Fred: Title alone wins this. I'm into that square-wave bassline too.

Kyle: You have the word ninja in your Twitter bio, so I assume your soul is working for some dumb startup without vowels in the name.
Kim: Can we talk about your cargo pants instead?
Fred: Vapid, empty and non-existent.

Kyle: Only 17?! Why so world-weary? Just kidding, you're 17. Practice safe sex, kids.
Kim: I kinda love this guy. It sounds like he recorded this in his kitchen with a shitty guitar he got for Christmas when he was 13. I like that he delivers lines like “I wanna die inside you” and“Casual sex is the best thing with you” like he’s on the phone to his mom having his weekly, this-is-what-I’ve-been-up-to chat.
Fred: This person is apparently 17 and recorded this on their phone. So that's cool, right?

Kyle:

Not sure this is music, but the line "the bulge in my pants is not a Polly Pocket" is a legendary rap boast. This video rules. Definitely not music, though.

Kim:

This video reminds me of the indie film

Hellaware

which is all about a hipster photographer from NYC taking advantage of some backwater Juggalos called Young Torture Killaz who make music in their parents' basement. YTK’s biggest hit was

“I’ll Cut Yo Dick Off”

which is more entertaining than this song. I guess cos it’s a spoof. Jonny Hash is not a spoof :(

Fred:

When I was in high school, I made a music video with my friends. It looked like absolute dogshit, even though one of my buds was on the AV team. This looks way worse. Also, sweet weightlifting shots, bro.

Kyle:

This beat is awesome. I feel like I'm in a basement getting asthma from a dusty couch. Negative points for ending your song talking about streetwear though.

Kim:

Paul! Who are your boys and when did their bodies stop being friends with The Beat? It does make me want to listen to

Dr. Octagon

though, so I guess that’s a plus.

Fred:

Video idea was stolen from The Pharcyde's "Drop," but that video is sick so I'm OK with it. If this song came out on Fondle 'Em in 1998, I'd probably own it on 12".

Kyle:

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh wait this is a love song? Phew, I was about to feel bad making fun of it, but at least this guy has something going for him.

Kim:

I’m so confused by this song. Dylan. Are you dead? Are you alive? Are you heartbroken? Are you agoraphobic? Are you really old but in love with someone really young? Is your lease up and you’re looking for a new place to crash? I can’t get pass these appalling lyrics and their limp delivery. Ugh.

Fred:

They say find something you love and you will never work a day in your life. I love my job, but this is work.

Kyle:

I love BJ the Chicago Kid! What's he doing these days? Motown, what's going on with that? This rules, and the beat is really pretty, I love warbly vocal samples like that. Is this guy from Chicago? It sounds very Chicago. You guys weren't supposed to send us good music.

Kim:

I do like that quivery-quavery sample. Makes me feel a little bit squishy inside. And then there’s some shit about an absentee dad which again, makes me feel emo. Coulda done without that pitch-shifted scary devil man though.

Fred:

Okay, feeling a little better.

Kyle: Someone I know who worked at Google got a really concerned call once from Scott Stapp because his AdWords weren't working right.
Kim: Is Stapp singing about fish? Or firearms? Ohhhhh this is a sports song? Well that changes everything. I for real thought about fish flying through the air, which is a waaaaaay cooler thing to think about than wasting 1.47 minutes of your life on this turgid composition. SOMEONE GET HIM SOME LAXATIVES PLEASE. I’d be mildly interested* in hearing what Stapp sounds like if he didn’t have 20 years of shit backed up in his intestine. (*This is a lie.)
Fred: In so many ways that I can't even count, this is #inspirational.

Kyle:

Dude, go back to AA and get a support group while you figure things out.

Kim:

I’ll give this guy props for using the word “ornery.” It’s a good word. But Witty Rock is scary. There’s a lot rage up in here. This goes beyond being ornery. Would you feel better if I gave you a hug?

Fred:

OK, back to suicidal. This is a cry for help.

Kyle: Imagen Imogen Heap but modarn. Imagen Heap.
Kim: I’m down with the creepy images in this video: the girl in a body bag Laura Palmer vibes, the beautiful bath tub shots (don’t eat that yarn, though, that’s bad), the fingernail half-moons imprinted on the palm of her hand. These visuals suit the spectral sparseness of this gently woebegone song, even if the frailty of her vocals leaving me wishing she would buck up.
Fred: The vocals are like only the high parts of Kate Bush, not sure how I feel about that.

Kyle: Finally some shit with screaming in it. I think I downloaded this song from MySpace like 40 times in 2004. These guitars make me want to play video games or something.
Kim: Hang on! I need to put on my army green Carhartt cords from 1999. Has anyone seen my wallet chain? BRB. P.S. My First Castle. Really? I know settling on a band name is tough, but come on.
Fred: Like a sub-Minus the Bear with scream-y vocals instead. I used to like Minus the Bear a lot, mostly because they had the balls to NOT scream.

Kyle:

If I ever run a company, our head computer guy will be called the IT Wave Chief. Not very inspiring to drop the word "faggot" in the first line though.

Kim:

I mean, I guess since

that awful, awful thing that Cake’s drummer did came to light

there’s a gap in the market?

Fred:

Please, no.

Kyle: Nugs, bro.
Kim: OMG this is a link to MySpace! Is my profile still up on there? Why is this page designed like this? Marijuana Mountain you should really get a soundcloud. Oh, there’s the play button… I’m gonna retract that suggestion of a soundcloud profile.
Fred: Sickest name for a band. That's all.

Kyle:

"I am broken"—This is like the last lament of a GameBoy. Obviously terrible but I like it.

Kim:

SYNTHS! Let’s get into it! Why are all the sounds fighting with each other? This artist is making some unhappy bedfellows of these beats, vocals, and synth ripples. The best thing about this song is the tags. Here’s a select few words This Building’s On Fire think describe this song: #theory, #probable, #sphynx, #nightmare. Also #the, #i, #end, #is. Guys—you know that’s not how hashtags work, right?

Fred:

This starts out sounding like two songs colliding, then gets pretty basic. Not blowing my wig back, but I actually listened to it the whole way through. That's one terrible kick-drum sample though, holy shit.

Kyle: I don't understand why this exists or why you would tag your song #talibkweli for any reason unless you were Talib Kweli. You're good enough at rapping to do something more original than this, I think.
Kim: While we’re on #hastags. LOL Kyle’s comment re: #talibkweli.
Fred: Lauryn Hill is still alive right? Why are we paying tribute to her? Also we already have Little Brother and Slum Village.

Kyle:

I like the positive message, and this is fine, but there is literally nothing memorable about it.

Kim:

God I love the sound of a record crackling. #conscioushiphopisnicesometimes

Fred:

Another beat that sounds ripped right from Soundbombing. As far as the MC… what was I saying? I forgot, I'm bored.

Kyle: The album is called Denver International Airport. Last year I got stuck in the Denver International Airport and got four hours of sleep on the floor because it was so cold I couldn't fall asleep. That was more entertaining than this.
Kim: I have to say it’s annoying when people send us entire albums to review. Don’t you think it’d be better to just send us your best tune? So I’m going to listen to “Spirit Curtains” because the name is silly. The music is clearly bedroom produced, computer woozy, and the vocals I’m pretty sure came about during a séance with dear dead Uncle Andrew, which actually makes the capturing of his beyond-the-grave chatter all the more amazing. Now if we could just work out what he was saying. Do you have a message for us Uncle Andrew!?
Fred: Not for me.

Kyle:

Seems dope.

Kim:

@Kyle - Does it?

Fred:

The problem with funeral doom is that it has to grow and blossom over many many minutes and course changes. I can tell that I might like this if I hadn't listened to so much dogshit already

Kyle:

Is this a GarageBand preset?

Kim:

What Kyle said.

Fred:

Kill me please.

Kyle: All of MY marijuana memoirs are way more memorable than this, and I'm counting the time the other night when all I did was eat ice cream and think about how nice my bed felt before I fell asleep.
KIm: @Kyle. That’s my ideal night in tbqh.
Fred: Killer beat, until it devolves into sub-Master P "Ice Cream Man" vibes. Al$o I am $o bored with rapper$ u$ing the $ $ign in$tead of the letter $. Plea$e.

Kyle:

Man, the internet used to be so much better before people started trying to make money off of memes. RIP.

Kim:

Oh I’ve totally watched this before. I liked it then and I like it now. Mostly because when I was a kid I played with He-Man a lot so the idea that he’s a gay guy in search of love makes me feel inexplicably happy. Although the end leaves me really confused. Are they telling him to get back in the closet? WELL THAT’S NO GOOD! Don’t listen to them He-Man! Go forth! Experiment! Join grindr.

Fred:

This is what I live for here at Noisey… discovering new music cultures and exposing the underground. Who knew that Skeletor's voice was so sick and that He-Man loved Erasure.

Kyle:

Is this proto-Yung Lean? Wait, no, never mind, I think these guys are actually excited about Foamposites. This is a good argument for not posting rap on the internet for kids to find out about.

Kim:

Wait what are foamposites? Why do these guys want to be buried in a foamposite coffin? Sounds smelly to me.

Fred:

I guarantee that I will listen to this again and again. I will not tell you whether I like it or not though

Kyle: That kid is cute. I'm sorry he got hit in the face with a football. I can tell this guy listens to a lot of rap.
Kim: I wish people would send us some good indie rock. Does good indie rock exist anymore?
Fred: Help, these reviews are killing all hope. My soul is gone.

EMBEDDING DISABLED BY REQUEST. :( Prancercise: A Fitness Workout Kyle: I've actually never seen this. It's pretty funny.
Kim: I LOVE THE PRANCERISE LADY! I love all the different music she applies to her workouts. Keeping fit as an OAP is important. Where is she? A gated retirement community in Pebble Beach? I wonder if anyone’s told her about Cuchini, the camel toe guard.
Fred: A modern classic.

Kyle: I dunno, I'd probably punch someone to this under the right circumstances. But it would be a pretty bad punch.
Kim: Sometimes I just don’t get boys.
Fred: Guys, I found the next big thing. These guys are the PIONEERS OF MILD PUNK.

Kyle: This title is a great premise for a song, but it turns out he's going for a different kind of murking. I'm all about class commentary, but I have no idea what the point of this is, other than proving all my stereotypes about British people being awkward and hanging out in pubs/in suits correct. This is by far the funniest thing anyone sent in though, so props for that.
Kim: I lived in the UK for 20 years and I’m not entirely sure what he’s on about either. Like, he’s saying he’s neither working, middle, or upper class? Okay. Why are British people still so obsessed with the class system? Who gives a fuck! To me it sounds like he’s saying “merkin,” which means he’s rapping about pubic wigs. That would be much more entertaining, no?
Fred: [This.](http:// https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xvJbKFJLyw)

Kyle: AHHHHHHHH I WANT TO FIGHT SO MANY PEOPLE THIS RULES AM I HARDCORE KID NOW.
Kim: Oh good, another album! From a Finnish black-metal-hardcore-super-rage band! YARGGGGGHHHHH! That reminds me. My half sister is half-Finnish. I should give her a call.
Fred: I actually like, take that back, really like one of these. Grind, discordant guitars, and hardcore. I might actually listen to this again if I can get away from the stigma of all of the other dogshit that it came packaged with.

Kyle on Twitter - kylekramer

Kim on Twitter - @theKTB

Fred on Twitter - redpessaro

Related:

Read Volumes One and Two and Three of this series.