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Music

We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 14

Naked dudes wrestling, Lenin speeches, and Dragonball Z all show up in this month's edition.

It's that time of the month again, the one where we put out a call on Twitter for people to send us stuff, and we promise to review anything they submit. We never know what paths this journey will lead us down, and, yet, even knowing that, we still somehow find ways to be surprised every month. Whether it's videos of naked dudes wrestling or songs about Dragonball Z, our readers manage to prove to us continually that the internet is far vaster and weirder than we would ever assume.

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This month, editors Kyle Kramer, Kim Kelly, and Bryn Lovitt tackled your submissions. Just a general note: While we will review anything, we do not review everything do to the volume of submissions. The music sent to us is plugged anonymously into a list, which is shortened by random selection. Here's what this month's submissions turned up (turn up!):

KILLcRey- "#failingFORWARD"

Kyle: This video promises hallucinogenic effects but doesn’t deliver, which is a shame because it would be great to hallucinate some music other than this song; it’s competent, but it doesn’t say anything.
Kim: This video looks like someone filmed a drunk argument between a dude who chugged a bottle of absinthe and his much less intoxicated girlfriend, who is absolutely DONE WITH HIS SHIT but then forgives him by the end because his naked vulnerability is kinda cute.
Bryn: Remember that episode of Pokémon that was banned for giving kids legitimate seizures? I’d rather watch that.

sakura fuck - “Goku Robs the Spar”

Kyle: I was recently in Ireland, where they have Spar. I went to one and bought a prepackaged ham and cheese sandwich that also had some sort of weird fruit spread on it instead of normal condiments, which made it, like most of the food I encountered in Ireland, feel similar to American food but just slightly worse. Anyway, you might think that sandwich would be the metaphor here, but that would be way too generous. More accurately, listening to this “song” sounds sort of like listening to someone unwrap said sandwich.
Kim: This is just garbage. Hot, runny half-liquified garbage that’s been fermenting in the bottom of the can all week because your shitty roommate forgot to deal with it.
Bryn: Um?

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Class of 86 - “Future on Fire”

Kyle: When I was in high school some friends of mine had a punk band, and they made a CD where the art on the disc was a plate of Chinese food. I thought that was pretty original. These riffs, though—I do not think they are original at all.
Kim: Minneapolis has such a great heavy music scene—Profane Existence is based there, a ton of sick extreme metal bands live there, and somehow THIS is what we end up with. At least there are guitar solos?
Bryn: Are you guys playing any bowling alleys any time soon?

TOVARISH - “Order 227”

Kyle: Maybe, as the opening sample implies, this is supposed to be saying something deep about politics, but it sounds like somebody leaving their guitar plugged in and burping in a cave (not in a good way).
Kim: It’s always funny for me to do these things, ‘cause it really underlines how wildly different my music tastes are from the rest of the team’s. Tovarish is a self-proclaimed Soviet-inspired doom/drone/noise band from Rhode Island, and I am IN LOVE. How am I really gonna sit here and not be stoked on a band that samples Lenin and sounds like they were literally born in the basement of Machines With Magnets while The Body and Nortt were playing?
Bryn: Burping in a cave would have been cooler.

bichardo - “Guten Morgen Ich werde Ihr Führer für den Besuch sein”

Kyle: The title apparently means “Good morning I'll be your guide for visiting” and is not some Nazi shit, but don’t worry; this is still terrible.
Kim: This is some creepy shit. It’s weirdly appealing, in a “I stayed up all night watching horror movies and now have a hunger for confusing ambient synths and ominous German samples” kind of way.
Bryn: I feel like I am about to get beheaded by a hooded cult of ancient proportions. So if that’s the goal, good job, I guess?

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Neil’s Bored - “Too Much Mustard”

Kyle: This guy has really got this one little guitar pattern down, which, if you’re feeling charitable, could be considered a really adept meta commentary on the ennui this song is trying to escape. But I am not feeling charitable.
Kim: When I was 15, I dated a cute ska kid with dreadlocks. He loved skateboarding, poetry, and pop punk. I was not aware he’d since moved to Athens, Ohio, but it's good to see he’s staying in touch with his emotions out there.
Bryn: Is this band fronted by Seth Cohen from The OC? Also, “Neil’s Bored” is the worst band name ever!

@Frankinandmyrrh's Tweet

@NoiseyMusic @brynlov @GrimKim @KyleKramer pic.twitter.com/HSgu8SyQ2y

— Frankincense & Myrrh (@Frankinandmyrrh) May 26, 2015

Kyle: Love the record scratches! Love the brevity! I can tell this is hip! I would love to integrate it with my brand! Eleven seconds of pure magic.
Kim: My brand wants to beat up their brand.
Bryn: I know some great bat mitzvah planners I can put you in touch with.

Lauren Ralph - “luchini aka this is it”

Kyle: I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this other than cue up the infinitely better song it inexplicably swiped the title of.
Kim: Nice voice, aggressively generic beat. Genuinely more interested in that stock photo of Ralph Lauren. Buddy guy looks like a Creamsicle!
Bryn: Avoid “tell me stuff” as a lyric. Just a general note.

Forest Wars - “Detached”

Kyle: Well, this is not what I was expecting.
Kim: FUCK YEAH, I’m all about this. Harsh hardcore, woozy grind, and a dash of brutal death—this is great, and the whole song is even about severed limbs. Forest Wars has got my stamp of approval.
Bryn: COOL! Prog metal hardcore! Into it.

Buffalo Black - “Warpaint”

Kyle: My pal, find an engineer! This is unlistenable! That said, I like the “risk it all for love” hook, the rapping is OK, and the video is cool.
Kim: Even I can tell that the production is awful, and that’s a bad sign.
Bryn: Risk it all for love, y'all. OK?

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Diveliner - “Video 1”

Kyle: On one hand, this sounds like some art school kid decided to make a senior thesis that was just him listening to Kanye and How to Dress Well and then literally jerking off into Pro Tools. On the other hand, that sounds like something I’d be into. And sure enough, it kind of is.
Kim: This is is nothing music. There’s nothing to grab onto, nothing interesting, nothing happening. This is what would be playing in the background if The NeverEnding Story took place in Williamsburg in 2015.
Bryn: Did you just watch Spring Breakers? I can think of no other way to justify those ridiculous masks and the straight up Riff Raff hairdo.

Tye Die - “Blue Boy Mac DeMarco Cover”

Kyle: I heard that one time Mac DeMarco stuck a drumstick up his butt during a concert.
Kim: I used to go to a lot of folk punk shows in West Philly back when I was in college, and there was always some scruffy nerd holding court in the living room, strumming pale acoustic shit like this and looking infuriatingly impressed with himself. At least those guys were crooning about destroying the government and drinking Mad Dog, though; this dude just sounds like an unchill Jack Johnson.
Bryn: Oh my God. If I have to listen to one more indie wannabe cover Mac Demarco… We give you one shot to show your stuff and you send in a cover without any nuance or changes? So it’s just an inferior version of something that already exists? Ya blew it.

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Blacklisters - “Trickfuck”

Kyle: This seems like the kind of video that someone would ask me to post on Noisey by hyping how awesomely gross the video is and how heavy the riffs are, and I would ignore their emails. But, hey, this video is awesomely gross, and this song is really solid, sludgy punk full of heavy riffs, and clearly the world agrees with me based on the many thousands of views this video has gotten.
Kim: This is actually really sick. The vocals reminds me of Mudhoney, and the video makes me think about how it would look if they’d filmed this video in Technicolor.
Bryn: Oh man. I love me some Jesus Lizard.

Six of Swords - “Separation at the Seams”

Kyle: It’s refreshing to do this with Kim because it means that some of the usual struggle rap we get in open submissions is replaced by random metal groups with really badass album covers. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much where the badass part ends. This sounds like what I imagine you would get if a Nickelodeon TV show had an episode with a metal-themed subplot.
Kim: Meat and potatoes death metal for camo shorts enthusiasts and pit bosses. I’m desk moshing right now.
Bryn: Sounds like every other old school death metal band.

G.U.N - “Johnny Cage”

Kyle: If I’m going to memorialize Speaker Knockerz, I’m going to listen to Speaker Knockerz. And if I’m going to listen to someone try to be Migos and rap about Johnny Cage, I’m going to listen to Migos rap about Johnny Cage. At least choose a different Mortal Kombat character, dude!
Kim: If he hyperventilating?
Bryn: All the gasping in the beginning is really unsettling. Like, breathe.

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Megawave - “Bite Your Tongue”

Kyle: I can practically smell the beer-soaked floorboards.
Kim: I can hear this playing during an especially cathartic scene in an indie film about a group of art students who all bought a big old house together and decided to change the world.
Bryn: Stop trying to make metal-gaze happen.

Leif Womack - “She Say (Impossible Is Nothing)”

Kyle: It’s not that this song is particularly good—it’s definitely college kid imitating Heartbreak Drake and not having a ton to say—but there’s something about it that does, against all odds, work. I think it’s this kid’s voice, which bends in satisfyingly ugly ways and, rather than crowding the track like many novice rappers do, seems totally natural on it.
Kim: For a second I thought this was a LeeAnn Womack song and got really pumped. Then I pressed play :(
Bryn: No amount of Auto-Tune is going to make you sound like Drake.

The Dead Mantra - “Mxeico”

Kyle: I never want to watch more of the videos that we’re sent for this than I have to, but this one is pretty cool. It reminds me of Breaking Bad but with more penises swinging around.
Kim: For a video with this many goats and hot, dirty naked dudes, I was really expecting a better soundtrack.
Bryn: I just kept waiting for one of those dudes to run up and scare the goats so they would all faint at once like this.

Bloom - “Rise”

Kyle: Wow, this is actually pretty good! The guitar solo at the end gives it a nice edge that pushes it past totally standard issue shoegaze/psych stuff. I’m into it.
Kim: What the fuck is “jangle rock”? Shut up.
Bryn: Is this the part in the movie where the nerdy girl gets a hot-girl make-over and walks in slow motion down the hallways at school?

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Charlie Roe & TWM - “Like a Kid”

Kyle: This is pretty good, too! Am I getting soft? I would have put this on a mix CD for people to listen to after theater rehearsals in high school, probably.
Kim: I would have made fun of my high school friends for listening to this.
Bryn: The guitar part sounds like that one song “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer. Can I just listen to that song instead?

Babe Punch - “Snake Tongue”

Kyle: Babe Punch is a cool band name, but I wish this song packed a little bit more of a babe punch, you know what I mean?
Kim: This is sexy. I bet these babes would be fun to go out drinking with on a hot summer night.
Bryn: This rocks! The atonal moments remind me of Goo-era Sonic Youth.

The Beautiful Gorgeous - “I Know We’ve Changed”

Kyle: Everyone in this band looks like someone you would get into a conversation with about, like, universal healthcare, and at first it would seem totally normal. But by the end you’d never want to hear their well-intentioned but hopelessly uninformed opinions ever again. Similarly, this song seems totally fine at first and gradually becomes more and more insufferable.
Kim: This song wobbles between like three different genres, and none of them are remotely interesting.
Bryn: The Beautiful Gorgeous? Are you kidding me that name? Also, “Eye” and “goodbye” is maybe the most universally overdone rhyme in the history of music.

United Republic Music Productions - “Basic”

Kyle: Ah yes, we’ve reached the portion of this feature where I pause to make fun of grime, but since this is just a beat, I have to do something other than talk about how annoying British accents are. Man, they are annoying though. I bet it would sound even more condescending if instead of saying this song is boring I were British and just said "this is rubbish, mate."
Kim: How is this music? It just sounds like someone’s Gameboy got stuck during a particularly intense Pokémon battle.
Bryn: But where are the break-dancing chipmunks?

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Fresh Moss - “Deuce Biggalo”

Kyle: It’s really hard to not sound cool when your vocals are screwed down, but, hey, there’s always an exception that proves the rule, right?
Kim: From what I can gather from sitting a few feet away from Kyle and Eric, chopped and screwed stuff is basically the funeral doom of hip-hop—ridiculously slow, distorted, and save for a few exceptions, very, very boring. This is not one of those exceptions.
Bryn: Pretty sure I puked to this song at prom.

Shlomo Casio - “Esmo Eh?”

Kyle: I’m all for supporting the Cairo independent music scene, but this is really a chore to get through. Maybe I’m projecting. This list is so long.
Kim: Noooo thank you.
Bryn: I like Shlomo and I like Casios, but I do not like this Shlomo Casio business because it is neither Shlomo nor does it use a Casio! Boo.

MAJESTY - “Lady Luck”

Kyle: Not to be that guy, but where’s the drop?
Kim: Jesus, fuck, NO.
Bryn: No girl wants to bone to whatever dumbass beat you just made on Garageband, no matter how much you think much you think it sounds like Skrillex.

Dan Sartain (Featuring METHOD MAN) - “Walking In The Rain (Demo)”

Kyle: Seems like you might not want to give people any ideas about methods of torture, let alone play them Method Man’s extremely detailed torture skit, after you make them listen to a song like this, but that’s just one guy’s take.
Kim: The Method Man sample was the only redeeming aspect of this “song.”
Bryn: Is that random dude saying “and him? and him?” supposed to be the hook or something because it just sounds like talking to a clerk at the DMV.

Meteor City - “Oh What a Mess We’ve Made of Things”

Kyle: Nothing wrong with a little syncopation, but this feels like three different songs crammed together. I have no idea what’s going on! I feel just like the left shark.
Kim: He has no idea what’s going on! And neither do I. This is almost definitely some college recording student’s slapdash homework assignment.
Bryn: No. Just no. This is not an audition for an off-off-off-off-off Broadway rendition of Into the Woods.

Fiendish Hype - “Undone”

Kyle: Formerly a Grooveshark exclusive, eh? Now I can see why that company died, am I right?
Kim: You’re right.
Bryn: I’ve been assaulted by so much shitty hip-hop today that I literally feel as dead as Grooveshark.
Kyle: I literally feel as alive as Left Shark. I have no idea what's going on!

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