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Tom Hanks' Rapping Son Thinks We're All A Bunch Of Sheeple

By Drew Millard

One of the side effects of being a rich and famous person is that if you spawn another human, they have lots of advantages in life that other children do not have. If those children decide they want to be famous for doing stuff other than being your kid, well, pretty much two things can happen. Tom Hanks is the perfect example of this. One of his kids is Colin Hanks, who starred in Orange County and is a perfectly serviceable Hollywood actor. He probably got an initial advantage in getting his job because his dad is one of America's most-beloved humans, but he does his job fine and that's that.

So, if you're famous your kid can either use their status to become a perfectly good version of whatever they want to be, or they can become a rapper. Tommy Hilfiger's kid Rich Hil is probably the best case scenario of this, because he makes perfectly passable rap music that is only sorta goofy because he is a rich white dude covered in tattoos whose music is about how hard it was to grow up and take drugs in suburban Connecticut. Bob Dylan's grandson Pablo is the worst-case scenario of famous-progeny-rapper-itis, but it's fine because Pablo Dylan is like fifteen or something and doesn't know any better.

Really, the main problem with children of famous people, or even young people in general (including myself), rests in the stoned, stoned hands of Chet Haze, who is Tom Hanks' other kid who's trying to operate in the public sphere. He's a rapper, and is basically what would have happened if the privilege afforded by being the progeny of a beloved American icon collided with the myth that all frat dudes are insufferable pieces of shit motivated only by their ids, and then gave that parody of a human being a mastery of Mac Miller's back catalogue. Which is to say, everyone makes fun of Chet Haze because he's an idiot and thinks he's a genius. Well, following the announcement that Barack Obama would indeed continue to be the President of the United States of America, Haze took to Twitter to drop some motherfucking truthbombs on our assheads, because we are sheeple. Read his tweets below, and if you're reading this and in college, remember that 1984 is just a parable and not a 100% accurate metaphor for our society.