This Insane Craigslist Drummer Is Looking For A Non-Pussy Band

In a city like Los Angeles, a good drummer is hard to come by. Most bongo men are usually in like three other bands, into spraying drum solos all over your tracks like a five-year-old Gene Krupa, and reeking of cheap weed and swamp ass.

Thankfully, there's always Craigslist, where you can scrape through the bottom of the barrel to find your next skin beater. Troll the musician classifieds and you'll find a bevy of blast-beat wannabes, middle age jazz dads, and this guy, who's looking to join your band as long as you're not total pussies. As he says in his ad:

I do NOT play to a click track or backing tracks and GO SCREW if you think I'm gonna "tone it down a little, bro" so you can piddle away on your stringed sissy box. I WILL NOT play hotel cafe and don't take direction from ninnies who live in their fucking parents basement and whack off to dreams of hanging with Jack Johnson and rapping about his "process", you piece of shit.

He goes on to discuss his balls of steel, your taffy dick, and what a sweat band should be used for:

I am a real mother fucker with balls of steel and have a drumset that loves to be ass fucked mercilessly from behind and I need to join a band who understands that stage-sex is part of the fucking game, dude. So when I'm fucking the shit outta the kit, you can't be the guy in the corner beating your limp, taffy dick wishing that you could stick your dick in too, NO! You get that dick hard and fuck the stage with me, pussy boy. I'm so sick of stealing the show and would really love to meet some real sons of fucking bitches who aren't afraid to use a sweat band for its intended purpose: wiping off fucking sweat, cum, groupies, pussy juice, blood, etc.

So it's clear that this guy is seeking serious inquiries only. As he writes, by way of a post-script, "do not write me for reasons of sass because I will FIND YOU and shred your fucking face with my SHIT-STORMING DRUM GODLINESS."

The real question here is, what kind of band does he want to play in? A violent GG Allin cover band? A pan-sexual Dwarves tribute? Jay Reatard?

Sure, this is probably a joke. But weird as it sounds, there's got to be a band out there that could give this dude a home… Maybe An Albatross.