5 Absolutely Plausible and Most Likely Correct Stabs at What the New Radiohead Teaser Means

A video posted by Radiohead (@radiohead) on May 6, 2016 at 4:12am PDT

Radiohead, obviously, are gearing up to release a new album. They began drawing attention to themselves by gradually erasing their entire internet presence. Then, they released a new track and video in the form of "Burn the Witch" that sounds creepy and exquisite, and looks like the The Wicker Man remade by the creators of Camberwick Green. Now—as if there wasn't enough happening on the Internet between a James Blake album, a Skepta album, and Beyonce aftershock—they've teased a ten second clip on Instagram (not so absent from social media now, are we) of Thom Yorke anxiously roaming around a carpark searching for… something. But what could it be? What does it all mean?

If there's one thing Radiohead love to do it's play headgames with their fans, always keeping us on our toes. Remember when Thom Yorke released an album through BitTorrent, sending fans over the age of 35 into a confused frenzy over how to actually listen to it? This is a band who can release a short video of an animated clay pigeon and cause a hundred journalists to panic-dial ornithologists trying to get to the bottom of it all, which we definitely didn't do.

In light of all that, this ten second clip could mean both anything and nothing. Here are our suggestions, starting with a surface reading.

What will a Radiohead album sound like in 2016? What should a Radiohead album sound like in 2016? Do we need a Radiohead album in 2016? These are questions we all have, and questions Radiohead most likely don't give one solitary turd about. Radiohead do things their own way, and smirk as everyone either fawns or clamours to understand it. As far as this clip goes, it posits this: Thom Yorke is all of us, and their new sound is whatever you want it to be *extremely Uri Geller voice*

Thom Yorke is frantically wandering around a multi storey carpark having just seen Captain America: Civil War at the Peckhamplex. Where did he park his brand new electric Nissan Leaf? It's quiet, sure, with economically reduced engine noise, but it's not this quiet. He clicking the beeper but not a sound. In fact, there are no other cars here. Where are all the other cars? Is this a Radiohead metaphor? Are we all humans wandering the seventh floor of a multi-storey, searching for a parked car that was never there in the first place? Is this… dare I say it… purgatory? Say what you like about Radiohead, but they make you think.

It's not a stretch to assume that Thom is following in the footsteps of other British auteurs like FKA twigs in releasing his own scent. It would not be weird if the name of a fragrance appeared at the end of this 10 second clip. Just a hushed voice whispering: "Confused… by Thom"

After "Airbag", "Killer Cars", and their general suspicion over humanity's reliance on technology, a Radiohead song bemoaning the faults of Uber – who are spearheading the future of driverless cars – wouldn't be out of the question. We've all been where Thom Yorke is now, spinning frantically around a vaguely post-coded area searching for our allocated number plate only for the driver, who just drove past you on purpose, to call you up and say "I can't see you mate" before fucking off and charging you a £5 cancellation fee. Their new album will be about the value of the human body. Or, wait, was that what King Of Limbs was?

Probably, yeah.