The Selfie Files: Hot Sugar

Welcome to The Selfie Files, a new feature in which artists send us five selfies and explain them. First up is Hot Sugar, who tried really hard to send us a picture of his penis but his publicist wouldn't let him.

COURTROOM SELFIE

This selfie is important because it actually got me in trouble. I was reporting for my first day of jury duty, ever, looking incredibly hungover and disgusting. They put us in a courtroom and made us watch a VHS tape of a medieval man being stoned to death by townsfolk as he drowned. This was apparently how courts worked "back in the day" when people thought that only witches could float and anyone that drowned was innocent. The video was supposed to remind us how far we've come, setting the bar really low and helping our legal system shine by comparison. Little did I know, I would soon face my own witch trial…

Within five minutes of the video ending, I got bored and wanted to take a selfie. Disregarding the "no cameras" warning, I started clicking away with this scenic courtroom background. They weren't turning out good because I was very messy looking so I kept taking them until an irate government employee saw me and yelled across the room. She screamed, "SIR THERE ARE NO CAMERAS ALLOWED IN THE COURTROOM. PUT IT AWAY IMMEDIATELY," and started walking towards me.

I clicked the capture button for one last attempt, and as the flash and iPhone shutter noise danced in harmony (producing this photo), she dove at me in slow-mo. The lady yelled at me and I got embarrassed in front of all the weirdly shaped/dressed humans also on jury duty. She made me leave my seat and walk up to the front desk like I was now unexpectedly on trial. She implied to me, and the rest of the amazed members of the courtroom, that I could go to jail for "contempt of the court" and in my panic, I only made things worse by grabbing my phone again and tweeting for help.

After ten minutes of being loudly berated by a grumpy lady in what looked like an old fashioned train conductor's suit, another train conductor came and made her calm down. Apparently the lady had overreacted and wasn't supposed to threaten me with jail time, so her friend signed a quick note excusing me from jury duty altogether and sent me home.

I left the courtroom a free man that day, but I wasn't allowed to arbitrarily juggle the fate of another living person just because of this stupid photo.

BLEEDING IDIOT SELFIE

I've taken up the unnecessary habit of playing with knives while using my computer. My laptop is surrounded by switchblades and other sharp weapons that I fiddle with when refreshing the page. I've accidentally stabbed so many parts of my body and hate myself because of it. While writing the last caption, I cut my knuckle with an official, engraved Hot Sugar knife so here’s an unexpected impromptu selfie.

GOLDFISH AND ME

My goldfish is cool. When I was 18 my roommate won a goldfish at a carnival in Little Italy. One day he was gone and an idiot stoner friend dropped a capful of vodka in the fishbowl. The fish swam to the top and started sipping on the vodka. When it finished, it swam back to the bottom of the bowl and we were all floored by how well it could handle its vodka. The stupid stoner kid rationalized that the fish could process it easily because of its fish metabolism so they decided to include the goldfish in our rounds. Every time we took a shot, he poured a capful in the fishbowl. That fish took like 5 shots before I tuned out and did something else. They kept going and by the time everyone went home, the fish was still just chilling like it was nothing.

The next morning however, the fish was upside down floating at the top of the water. My roommate (who owned it) was still asleep and everyone pointed fingers at each other. One kid cried and another kid slapped him and told him to, "SNAP OUT OF IT," and that we were, "all in this together, no one's innocent." They put his body in a Ziploc bag and kept him in the freezer until they could figure out what the next step was, hoping his owner wouldn't notice.

A few days later everyone had already forgotten about the fish (his owner still didn't even realize it was gone), so I took out the Ziploc bag just to stare at it out of macabre curiosity. I forgot to put it back in the freezer and left it on the table. As I worked at my desk a few hours later, I noticed a Ziploc bag flopping around the table across the room. The goldfish was alive. We threw him back in the fish bowl and everyone rejoiced. It wasn't dead, it was just hungover. That goldfish drank 10 shots of vodka and froze into a icicle for three days without even dying. Kick rocks, David Blaine.

THANK U SELFIE

This is a rare and useful selfie. Sometimes if someone sends you a bunch of nudes they might feel awkward and embarrassed. You're supposed to respond, "omg you're so hot, I cant believe it I’m dying," or whatever bullshit you say to keep them coming, but you can only do that so many times without the conversation looking weird. Since I am too famous and important to send nudes, I make an effort to balance the photo exchange by sending these ambiguous selfies that let the person know that I appreciate it. When doing this look, you never want to perv out too much (avoid the Tex Avery wolf look) but there should be a glimmer of fascination implied. It’s a delicate look that teeters between "you're so pretty" and "go on…" Also, sending a photo of you on your bed or another comfy isolated location will induce a liberating sense of comfort and privacy, even if you're texting this from a crowded bus.

THROWBACK SELFIE.GIF

This is me in 2000. I was really into lighting things on fire and Treasure Trolls. I had a bunch of Treasure Trolls that I would light on fire. I would find a street, position the troll in the middle of it, light it on fire, then run and hide behind a bush and watch as cars awkwardly pulled up to it, ruining their commute. Some people would get out of their cars and stare at it until it extinguished, others would make a point to run over it. I would lurk in the bushes giggling.

That same year, I got arrested for kicking over a lamp on a stranger's lawn because it looked like a football that wanted to be punted. It took three cop cars to arrest me since I was on my bike and cruised away as soon as I kicked it over. They put me in a jail cell for a couple hours and were so proud of themselves for having caught me. My sentence was 100 hours of community service (which was spent being worshipped by old ladies at the public library for teaching them how to use Microsoft Word) and I had to write a ten page essay on why kicking over a stranger's lamp and running away was "bad.”

Hot Sugar is on Twitter. Check out his 'Made Man' EP below.