It is important to wear comfortable, proper underpants when going to a day-long cross-city festival. It is also important to have content on the website while everyone is too busy drinking in Austin so let’s get this started. Here is my totally objective, 100 percent scientifically certified power rankings of underpants to wear at SXSW.
THE OH FUCK I DON’T HAVE ANY UNDERPANTS LEFT PAIR
I am not going to stand here and say that I have never worn this pair of underpants. Sometimes you run out of options and think you can tough it out with a horrible sheet of nylon dangling against your crotch. We all wear underpants with holes in them, mostly to avoid adult responsibilities like washing clothes or owning more pairs of underpants. But I am here to tell you that this… this fabric… this sub-loincloth shawl loosely covering your privates… your mother would be ashamed of you. Get a job, hippy! Have some self-respect, don’t wear this fucking thing to SXSW.
THE MY MOM GAVE THIS TO ME AT CHRISTMAS 2010 PAIR
I actually wore this on Tuesday, which is like the first real (but still not entirely) real day of SXSW. This was a massive oversight on my part; I apparently forgot how fucking awful boxers are for a few seconds. The loose, droopy cotton brushed against my inner-thigh until I had red tender racing stripes perpendicular to my dick. Every step hurt. My legs had become a medium-rare battleground of sputter and blood. Seriously, don’t wear underpants that’s over a year old.
THE BRUISED BUT STILL GOOD PAIR
Now we’re fucking talking. I used to think boxer-briefs were lame, mostly because when I was in sixth grade someone pulled my shorts down and I was wearing whitey-tighties and everyone laughed at me forever and I cried myself to sleep every night up until I got accepted to college out of state. But seriously, on the ride home of that fateful day I told my father that we needed to go to Target to immediately buy several metric tons of boxers, which I wore up until I finally learned that boxers are bullshit. The boxer-brief is the ideal form of male underwear. It is firm, but flexible. They are the most reassuring clothing item in the world.
THE I JUST BOUGHT THIS SPECIFICALLY FOR SXSW PAIR
Maybe someone might think it’s weird, perhaps even stupid, to buy a fresh bag of tight, shiny boxer-briefs for SXSW, but those people are totally full of shit. Because while they’ll be spending their entire week pausing for the occasional adjustment, you will be in pure, confident serenity. You will walk tall, stand strong, and network like you’ve never networked before. It is a little known fact that a fresh, store-bought pair of underpants is just as credible as a badge, because no stodgy doorman can turn you down when you look that fucking perfect. Go forth, little man, and fly.
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