The Noisey Guide to Peeing at SXSW

South by Southwest makes me need to pee. Invariably, every year I find myself with an uncontrollable urge to relieve myself immediately after getting off the plane. SXSW is really a race to consume as much of everything as possible, and eventually, whatever it is that is being consumed has to come out of your body. I am constantly being offered alcohol, getting ads for alcohol shoved in my face, and being asked if I know where to get free alcohol. Drinking leads to one thing: a decreased sense of shame. Oh, and also peeing. Good luck finding some place to do your business though.

SXSW has grown exponentially in the last five years, blossoming in much the same way that a 13-year old girl grows breasts. SXSW is a grown-ass woman now, bursting at the seams with people, activities, food, and more than a few open bars. The attendance for SXSW seems to get bigger every year. More people means more competition for the limited number of bathrooms in the city. It’s easier to find a free iPhone case and a shot of whiskey than an open bathroom.

This year, I think I’ve truly mastered the art of taking a leak at SXSW. Allow me to share my considerable findings with you.

Port-a-Potties

I am not a fucking animal. I am not a savage beast. Give me a sink with running water. Give me soap. I end up shaking an average of 12 hands a day while at SXSW. I need to make sure my hands are clean, and pray that everyone else’s are too. That’s a dicey proposition when most port-a-potties don’t have soap, or if they do, they have those adjacent sinks where you have to pump the water out with a foot pedal. That soap runs out faster than a limited edition Ghost Dad Mondo poster would. The lines for port-a-potties are also unbearable, due to the aforementioned “too many fucking people” problem at SXSW, so chances are you will just piss your pants before you get through to the john anyway. That’s why the following option is so appealing.

Peeing in Public

Section 42.01 of the Texas Penal Code states clearly that you can be fined up to $500 for exposing your “anus or genitals in a public place while being reckless about whether another may be present who will be offended or alarmed by his act.” My friend here doesn’t look reckless at all. In fact, he seems happier than he’s ever been. You know why? Because he’s not waiting in a fucking line to go pee. Take the risk. Cut through the red tape. Live a little. Take a leak on Texas. I highly recommend the tent for NBC’s drama series, Revolution. It looks like a hippie commune fell from the sky, and is nothing but dirt and plants and rickety chairs. Your urine will be great for whatever crops they are trying to grow.

Bar Bathrooms

Just like back home, bar bathrooms are disgusting. People blow their noses, wipe their asses, and rub their ballsacks on everything. You think guys aren’t rubbing their ballsacks on the faucets in bar bathrooms? You’re wrong, because I just did it today and it was hilarious. As such, stay away from bar bathrooms if you can manage, especially in Austin. I probably rubbed my testicles on the doorknob.

Peeing Sitting Down

I do not recommend this, but sometimes, you don’t have a choice. Most of the toilets here are filthy, as mentioned above. Sitting on one is a sure way to contract many of the most virulent sexually transmitted diseases; the kind that don’t just “clear up” after a few days. Still, if you have to take a shit and a piss simultaneously, there are few options outside of sitting on the toilet. If you’re a woman, this isn’t even an option. You have to sit down. For me, it’s more of a lifestyle statement. I like to be “that guy” who sits down when he pees. Also, as you can tell from the photo, I am also “that guy” who doesn’t wear pants.

Hotel Bathrooms

This is truly your best option. Hotel bathrooms are clean, well-stocked with towels and soaps, there’s no line to get in, and best of all, I most likely have not rubbed my balls on anything in your hotel room. Stick close to your hotel bathroom, and you’ll be safe, happy and healthy. If you eat any of the food in Austin, you will absolutely need two to three hours in that bathroom every day.

Dave Schilling wrote this all while taking one extremely long pee. He's on Twitter - @dave_schilling