Image by Alex CookIt’s 10:20 PM on Friday night. Your friends have been over for a few hours now sipping on cocktails while politicking. Your homie keeps shutting off the music in the living room and telling everyone, “Yo, we should get there before 11. There is a ten dollar cover after 11.” You realize he’s right because a) you don’t pay to go to clubs in your home town out of principal and b) who even ever has cash? Your other homie keeps saying, “Hey we should get an Uber,” as if he isn’t holding an iPhone that is connected to wifi. Eventually, the most anxious homie announces to the room, “You guys, Artak is coming in six minutes.” The Uber has been ordered. You wonder to yourself if he splurged for an SUV or at least Plus, and before you know it, Artak rolls up in the crispy all black Prius. Your three friends pile in to the backseat leaving you to sit shotgun and then it dawns on you, “I am the DJ now.”Continued below.You see, shotgun is the most powerful seat in the car. No one likes to sit shotgun in a cab or a limo, but an Uber is just a car. Most (all?) Ubers have chargers, gum, waters, and, most importantly, AUX Cords, something that is non-existent in your every day cab (they also have the option to sync up Spotify playlists through the app, but that's for nerds). All these things are controlled by the driver / front seat passenger. When you control the AUX, you control the vibe. You also control whether Artak will end the ride determining that you and your pals are cool as hell or instead decide to drive into traffic and relieve the world of another idiot who thinks Girl Talk is an appropriate turn up music in the year 2015. Ideally, this is also an opportunity to bond with Artak, to go on this turn up quest together. Artak needs to be singing “Trap Queen” with you. Keep in mind, this isn't just you and your friends riding around in a car together; this is a high-stakes interaction. When it comes down to it, with AUX cord power comes great AUX cord… listen you just need to play slappers, OK? This is how you finesse the AUX.
As compared to a regular DJ gig, where you're being paid to please drunk people who want to dance, the Uber DJ gig is for some kinda drunk people who are easily bored and a hopefully not-drunk person who you are paying to not judge you. You can’t just grab the AUX and play the first banger that comes to mind. Pause, think, and assess the situation. What were you just listening to during the pregame? What is the girl to guy ratio in the car? Where are you heading? How drunk are you? How long is the ride? Does Artak’s Prius have the standard system, the JBL upgrade, or some dope aftermarket setup? If you can tell he’s riding with subs so heavy in the trunk make the Prius pop-a-wheelie, start with something bass heavy. I prefer 112’s “Peaches and Cream.” If he’s got a wack system, put on that fire iTunes U podcast and bless the car with some #knowledge. Ideally, he has the JBL upgrade.
They say life isn’t about the destination; it’s about the journey. The Uber is that journey. In a way, Ubers are a metaphor for life. You can’t play the six minute #rare Panda Bear B-side if your night involves shutting down Marquee. That’s illogical. Or let’s say you are heading to an EDM show but the pregame playlist was all rap, start with rap in the Uber then slowly transition to EDM with something like A$AP Rocky’s “Wild For The Night” featuring Skrillex. If the ride is short, don’t be afraid to cut songs off in the middle. Don’t panic; stay calm. Take requests, but discard horrible requests (and potentially crack a joke at the person’s expense if it feels right). Active volume control is crucial. You need to let people talk if they want. If you can tell people are getting a little sleepy and need to energize the car, play a throwback slapper that everyone knows the words to. Such go-tos include Spice Girls “Wannabe,” Nelly’s “Country Grammar,” and any song by Blink-182. It’s OK to miss. It happens. If you play a song and the whole vibe dies, get to the next track immediately. No one paid to hear you DJ the Uber, so you have to play to the room. Ultimately, controlling the AUX is about having funs with your friends and Artak only moderately hating you. Play everything right, and it will be a night to remember. Play everything really right, and you might light the trunk on fire, leaving the car as a piece of twisted wreckage on the highway. The AUX Cord is in your hands. Good luck.Pass the AUX cord to Robesman on Twitter.
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