FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Music

The Noisey Editorial Board Is Proud to Endorse Donald Trump for President [UPDATE: Actually, No We Don't]

He will surely be a wise and just leader of this great nation.

UPDATE WITH EDITOR'S NOTE: We here at Noisey love to have fun, and so when Donald Trump announced his campaign to become President of the United States, we thought the idea of a racist homophobic pile of human bones becoming the leader of the free world was so goddamn ridiculous that we would endorse him and slyly point out his ridiculous flaws. Well, here we are, and Donald Trump actually the Republican nominee, and people actually support him, and there seems to be a bizarre outside chance that he could actually get elected, so we'd just like to clarify that this endorsement was one big joke, and we do not endorse this deranged man. The official Noisey stance is, to quote the modern day prophet YG, "fuck Donald Trump."

Advertisement

With our dedication to bringing you the latest from the world of music, we here at Noisey admittedly don’t have much time to closely follow politics. But when we heard that Donald Trump was running for President of these United States, we knew we had to preemptively endorse this great American as our top choice in the 2016 election. We haven’t heard from the other candidates, or even know who they are, but based solely on how many times we’ve heard Trump’s name mentioned over the years in rap songs, we know we’re making a smart, prudent decision in throwing our weight behind him, and that he will be a wise and just leader.

The Noisey editorial staff is therefore proud to officially endorse Donald Trump, who we’re assuming is running for office for the first (and not fifth) time ever in 2016 and definitely doesn’t do this every four years only to back out at the last minute as a publicity stunt for his most recent floundering reality show, for President of the United States of America. Here’s why.

Gucci Mane - “Donald Trump”

“Donald Trump, I made Forbes’ list this month!”

It might hurt Donald Trump’s case that he’s being endorsed by Gucci Mane, a rapper currently serving time in prison. But this is a one-time connection to the crime world for Trump! It’s not like he had ties to organized crime in the 90s, or has two associates serving time for cocaine charges, or another partner prosecuted for trafficking underage girls. He is an upstanding pillar of the community and only maintains partnerships with stellar, model citizens like Alaskan ambassador Sarah Palin and his sons, Eric Trump and Donald Trump, Jr., who love the outdoors and sports.

Advertisement

Nelly - “Country Grammar”

“Now I'm knocking like Jehovah; let me in now, let me in now
Bill Gates, Donald Trump, let me in now”

Hopefully, in this hit song, Nelly means for Trump to “let him in” to his club for respected rich people, and not in to the country, because we’re confident Donald Trump has a very solid plan for handling immigration from Mexico. His plan is likely much more well-thought out than something a five-year-old would come up with, like say, building a giant wall around the country and having Mexico pay for it for it because “Mexico is screwing us so badly.” He’s definitely not called Mexican immigrants rapists, too, we would imagine.

Young Thug - “Constantly Hating”

“I've seen more holes than a golf course, on Donald Trump’s course”

Those golf courses and their greenery need to be maintained, so let’s pray that when Mr. Trump becomes President, he does something about the climate change problem, which, as a serious candidate for leader of the free world, he most certainly believes in and has not repeatedly denied the existence of it like one of those baby people who sticks their fat, puckered, fake-tanned faces out the window on a cold day and declares global warming to be a hoax.

Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj - “***Flawless (Remix)”

“He want monster Nicki in Sri Lanka
I told him meet me at the Trump, Ivanka”

Even prominent female artists like Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé are behind Donald Trump! Of course they are. We’re sure he’s staunchly pro-feminist and has never made disparaging, sexist remarks about women he’s disagreed with and he also has very forward-thinking views of women in the military and has never tweeted anything to the contrary like a sad, old man.

Advertisement

Trump’s properties, on which he likely has not filed for bankruptcy four times, are so well-known that A-list pop stars like Nicki Minaj are dropping references to them in songs. Meet us at the Trump, Nicki. And meet America at the White House, Mr. Trump!

Mac Miller - “Donald Trump”

“Take over the world when I'm on my Donald Trump shit”

Mac Miller will stop at nothing short of world domination in his rap career because, like Donald Trump, he has a savvy understanding of the global political landscape. Donald Trump has definitely never said anything inflammatory about international politics, like that Barack Obama would go to war with Iran to win an election, that the US should enact travel restrictions to countries with Ebola cases, or that it was smart to go to war with Iraq for oil. As his longstanding and healthy skepticism of Benghazi shows, Donald Trump probably knows exactly what's going on when it comes to foreign policy.

Young Jeezy - “Trump”

“Richest nigga in my hood; call me Donald Trump”

Young Jeezy knows how much Donald Trump identifies with the hood. To him, being called “Donald Trump” would be an honor, especially since Trump doesn’t routinely tweet out crotchety racebaiting nonsense about minorities and did not lead a long campaign claiming Barack Obama, America’s first African American President, to be a Kenyan citizen and didn’t demand that he present his birth certificate. And that certainly did not culminate in him publicly humiliating himself by offering $5 million to see it.

Advertisement

Rae Sremmurd - “Up Like Trump”

“Up like Donald Trump, chain swings like nunchucks”

Slim Jimmy and Swae Lee are turning up all the way into the sky, just like one of Donald Trump's lofty and ambitious real estate projects! We don't claim to know much about Donald Trump's real estate business practices, but we doubt he has ever had one of his Trump-branded development projects file for bankruptcy or get sued for not repaying a loan or in any way suggest he might not be the best person to have final say on a national budget. A respectable and always 100 percent ethical businessman, Donald Trump would probably be the perfect candidate to make prudent financial decisions that honored our nation's tax codes.

Yung Joc - “It’s Goin’ Down”

“Time to flip the work, make the block bump
Boys from the hood call me black Donald Trump”

He loves this lyric!

"@DallasVercillo: Boys from the hood call me Black Donald Trump #facts" Great.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 21, 2015

UGK - “Pocket Full of Stones”

“Fuck Black Caesar, niggas call me Black Trump”

Again, to be called “Black Trump” would be some divine honor, given his track record. But we agree with UGK here. You can’t even compare Trump to Caesar. Truly, when Mr. Trump’s time comes and he is called up to that big, name-branded tower in the sky, he will be honored as the nation’s greatest leader and definitely not instantly forgotten as a worthless pop culture footnote.