If you like music and weren’t in Austin on Friday night, you were probably on the Internet riding on something of an emotional rollercoaster, led by the unlikely triumvirate of misinformation and hastily bullshat statements that was TMZ, Mack Maine, and Gucci Mane. Friday night, of course, is the night we lost Lil Wayne, then got him back only to seemingly lose him again and then discover that he was definitively un-lost (albeit with a few unanswered questions). Only minutes after we were assured Wayne was safe, Gucci Mane jumped in to announce he was kicking Waka Flocka out of Brick Squad, and then Waka Flocka told him to suck a dick. While he might be one of the greatest rappers currently rapping, a master of tact and timing when it comes to public announcements Gucci Mane is not.
The madness began in earnest when TMZ issued a report that Lil Wayne had suffered from severe seizures related to a codeine overdose, and as a result was now in the hospital. This checks out; Wayne had been in the hospital only two days before for seizures, and had been hospitalized a few months before for a similar issue. At 8:26, TMZ then reported that Weezy was being read his last rites. The scary thing about TMZ is they reportedly have contacts in most major American hospitals, which while not necessarily ethical or cool, means they’re pretty accurate with reporting when and where celebrities are dying (they scooped everybody on the death of Michael Jackson, you’ll recall). However, TMZ is also mostly full of shit, as we soon discovered when Mack Maine tweeted to assure us that Wayne was alive and that he’d soon be tweeting to confirm as such. That tweet did indeed come, but TMZ claimed he was asleep at the time of the tweet, which proves that neither Mack Maine nor TMZ are particularly reliable narrators. The only level head throughout the entire affair seems to have belonged to T.I., who sagely tweeted, “Just holla'd @my Lil bruh Tunechi...& he skraight! TMZ some fuck-niggaz for reporting that hoe-ass-shit!!! That man daughter is like mines… That shit surely got his mama hurtin,his kids hurtin,& he got true to da game patnas like me & Othas who ready to RIDE bout all da fuck shit.” Drake also visited, because Drake seems like a genuinely nice person who is the best. It appears as of now Lil Wayne will fully recover, which is the best possible outcome given all of the intense madness surrounding this very severe health scare.
The way thos of us who don’t have a direct line on Wayne were forced to experience this entire situation was through Twitter, which is literally the worst way to try to experience something in real time—when some people are reading incorrect reports and basing tweets off of them and then others are trying to get caught up to speed but in the process inadvertently confusing others, you kind of get the feeling of being trapped in the world’s largest rugby scrum.
Just as TMZ got their story straight (and deleted the last rites thing without mention) and it seemed that Lil Wayne would, indeed, pull through, Gucci Mane took to Twitter to announce that he was kicking Waka Flocka out of Brick Squad, saying, “Waka Flacka Flames officially dropped off brick squad 1017. Big Guwop say give me a offa fa this disloyal lil nigga.” While Gucci’s team is desperately reporting that Big Guwup’s account was hacked, it didn’t stop Flocka from tweeting that Gucci could suck a dick (this has since been deleted), and the Gucci tweet remains online. It seems that there is a definite schism between Gucci’s 1017 Brick Squad camp and Waka’s Brick Squad Monopoly, both in terms of sonics, ethos, and general stability levels. It’s weirdly admirable when you assess how little of a fuck Gucci Mane actually gives, because there’s no way he didn’t know he was picking the absolute worst possible time to announce that he was dropping Flocka from the team. It makes sense that Gucci might want to cause a bit of a controversy, as he had released a mixtape that very night. On the other hand, the tape also contains the line, “You dis Flocka Flame you dis the wrong person.” Gucci Mane, Guwop, whatever you want to call him, is a master of misdirection in all its forms. It remains to be seen exactly what the relationship is between Waka and Gucci now, but Waka did issue a series of retweets joking that he hooked up with Selena Gomez. If that’s true and the allegation that Gucci Mane and Gomez hooked up while filming Spring Breakers together ends up checking out, then we might be looking at a Waka-Gucci-Selena love triangle, as well as the most insane reason for a rap crew schism of all time. To her credit, Selena issued a counter-allegation to Grantland that she’s never even met Gucci, which seems illogical, but whatever.
What’s the takeaway from all of this? It’s that the Internet is a scary-ass place and mostly full of bullshit, but sometimes things do come along to rock certain communities to their foundation. I now believe literally nothing I read, even the things that I myself write.
These pretzels are making Drew Millard thirsty. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard
You Don’t Like Childish Gambino's 'Because the Internet' Because of the Internet
Don't allow the narrative surrounding Donald Glover's musical career define the way you think.
The Real Difference Between a Mixtape and an Album
Why do rappers still about sales when they could release a mixtape, gain exposure, and cash in later?
Are the Grammys Irrelevant or Did Yeezus Actually Suck?
Breaking down Yeezy's obsession with the awards.
2013: A Year In Which Some Music Happened
A year’s art starts on Day One of the new year. If we don’t quantify it somehow by December, who are we as a people and what is our worth?
If R. Kelly Makes Us So Uncomfortable, Why Do We Keep Listening?
This is art we're talking about, and it's as real as you allow it to be.
Britney Spears: Capitalism's Last Stand
At last, the Queen has found her domain.
The Real Rick Ross Stands Up
We met with the ex-crack kingpin, who told us stories from his drug dealing days and gave us an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming autobiography.
Sorry, Dudes. The Ladies Won Punk This Year.
These are the women who kicked a particularly large amount of ass in 2013.
2013: The Most OK Year Ever
Kitty Pryde reflects on her sort of shitty, sort of amazing 2013.
Cam'ron is Still Harlem's Diplomat
We met with the Golden Boy and spoke wi