The Mushpit's Teenage Playlist: Swapping Spit to Nelly and Kelly

So hey. We’re Bertie and Charlotte from The Mushpit. There’s nothing we like more than pop dressed up in PVC bitching about "No Scrubs." Or J Lo wailing about how LL Cool J was kind of a douchebag. Sure, Cassie has a Mohawk now, Ashanti’s still making music (aw) and Christina Milian and the Dream broke up :(. But there really were times when bubblegum and low rider jeans were totally sexy. This column is basically a graveyard of all the pop you loved before you found out that sex is actually complicated and Blu Cantrell wore contacts. It will be your weekly dose of glitter body gel and menthol cigarettes. SWAPPING SPIT TO NELLY AND KELLY

What better place to start than with the communion of Destiny's Child's sloppy seconds and Nelly, the most grandma-friendly rapper since Kris Kross? Consider this an adole-seance (sorry). You bring the candles. It’s 10:25pm. You’re 13. The person from the other school you’ve been texting for three weeks is smoking a joint while you rub your eyes and reapply your lip-gloss.

You’ve been holding hands for so long the joints of your fingers are beginning to seize up. God, your hand is sweaty.

You roll the shot of Baileys around your tongue and look into each other’s eyes. Oh my god. He’s so smooth. Nelly and Kelly is on the stereo. Was this song written for this moment or what?

He mumbles along to Nelly, but when Kelly hits that “You don’t know what you mean to me,” you look into each other’s mildly glazed eyes and tilt your head expectantly.

Oh! You’re sucking face for the first time. Congratulations. Is this what love is? The Disney sparkle would imply that yes, this is it.

The song draws to a soft climactic end. The moment threatens to escape you.

Oh wait, what’s that? Ja Rule and Ashanti. You’re good.

Get bleary eyed beneath!

Read more girly pop stuff at The Mushpit!