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The Most Unromantic Songs Of All Time

By Joe Bishop

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So here we are, gang. Valentines Day. Every February 14th, I wake up with a smile on my face, not because I’m overwhelmed by the almost-tangible amorousness of the day. It’s because today, many relationships will die. Straws will be snapping camels' backs across the world today, arguments will flare, old problems will turn into new ones, and rolling pin assaults will spike. The day of love will, in some instances, be the day of anguished sobs and stammering inhalations while your face puffs up. With this in mind, I decided to have a look at some of the most fiercely inappropriate tunes to play on this, St. Valentines Day. Try and edge these into your sex mix, you sentimental perverts.
 

Annotations Of An Autopsy - "Welcome To Sludge City"

There’s a certain section of metal music that is comprised of fat guys making the sound of a pig squealing over some chugging down-tuned guitars. Annotations of an Autopsy is one of those bands, and perhaps nothing embodies their sheer putrid, mental defection and sexual violence than "Welcome To Sludge City." Opening with the refrain of "She bled from every fucking hole," it’s a sinister wall of noise with near enough no decipherable lyrics. Incomprehensible and piggish violent noise? Sounds like my ex-wife! ZING!

BEST LINE: "When I’m done with you, you won’t have a cunt left"

 

Necro - "Who's Your Daddy"

Technically proficient yet perhaps a little post-watershed, death rap’s king, Necro, released his filthy, sexist, and quite compelling album The Sexorcist in 2005. On it is this absolute gem, "Who’s Ya Daddy?" A lush instrumental forged from The Zombies' "Time of The Season" is (almost literally) spat on by Necro, who talks about raping a girl with a gun in her mouth whilst choking her because "it makes (you) come"... ~romance~.

BEST LINE: "Ridiculous pussy lips, I predicted you’d be addicted to my dick once you licked it."

 

Anal Cunt - "Haha, Your Wife Left You"

Whilst bands like Annotations... had more of a traditional structure to their songs, the late Seth Putnam and his grindcore noise band Anal Cunt’s songs were rarely more than a minute long, and were short bursts of what we imagine murderous rage sounds like. They released 11 albums of about 30-50 tracks each before Putnam’s passing, one of which was Picnic Of Love, a satirical LP of lame love songs like "I Respect Your Feelings as a Woman and a Human" and "Waterfall Wishes." I implore you to look at the Wiki of A.C’s discography—it’s funnier than those shit flowers you bought, idiot.

BEST LINE: "Hahaha, your wife left you."
 

Cannibal Corpse - "Meat Hook Sodomy"

We could hardly leave these funsters off the list, could we? Causing a stir among concerned parents in the ‘90s, Cannibal Corpse’s graphic lyrics and ghost-train-for-serial-disemboweler-style album covers became synonymous with death metal. They were the poster boys for ultra aggressive moshpit fodder, the thick neck of singer George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher being a pillar of all things "metol \m/" Meat Hook Sodomy is a prime example of their traditional wholesome subject matter, and the lyrics read like an emo kids angry letter to GHD after his straighteners broke.

BEST LINE: "Razor sharp hooks implanted in your rectum, Splitting bodies, spilling guts on the ground."

 

Natasha Bedingfield: "I Wanna Have Your Babies"

What even is this? Whose idea was this? Can you imagine anything more skin-crawlingly unsexy than someone telling you they want you to infect them with your seed? Or worm their way through your canals to your precious eggs? What a horrendous prospect to drop on someone. Needless to say this was last "big" thing we in the UK heard from Bedingfield, as this pregnancy request didn’t exactly strike a chord with listeners. Does she even know how harrowing the pain of childbirth is and what the many implications of bringing a child into your life are? DOES SHE? 

BEST LINE: "What if you knew what I was thinking, would it make you like WOAAAHHHHH"

 

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