“In Da Club” makes me feel like I’m invincible, but that I’ve been invincible for a very long time. To the point of taking it for granted, like I’m almost bored of the fact that nobody on Earth can fuck with me. I have to imagine that’s all 50 Cent felt in the early 2000s, and that’s why every time he says “shawty” it feels like infinity trapped inside a tiny word. “In Da Club” is a singular feeling; it can only be described as feeling “In Da Club,” or in an “In Da Club” mood. To help illustrate this particular strand of Zen, I’ve selected a few moments from world history that I think best illustrate the “In Da Club” philosophy.(It is recommended you keep “In Da Club” on repeat while reading this article)--Napoleon had spent about nine months in exile on the tiny island of Elba. Napoleon, naturally, wasn’t the type to spend a long time away from action, and raised a small army out of the local inhabitants, and marched to take back his former throne in Paris. Upon hearing this news, the restored French monarchy was understandably terrified, and sent out their military to destroy Napoleon while he was on en route. Napoleon met the French armies in Lyon; he stepped in front of his forces, removed his coat, and said, “If any of you will shoot your emperor, shoot him now.” The Royal army promptly defected, and marched with Napoleon the rest of the way to France.--Marcus Licinius Crassus was a general and politician who was very influential in the early days of the Roman Republic. He was also very rich, so rich that he owned his own private firefighting company in an era where the term “firefighting” was a completely foreign concept. The crowded Roman slums were privy to fire, and when Crassus heard of a burning building, he would arrive, offering to buy the property at a low sum—because after all, it was on fire. Once they accepted his offer, Crassus would send about 500 slaves equipped with water into the building to put it out, often before it suffered much damage. If they didn’t accept his offer, Crassus wouldn’t send in his brigade.--In the face of a brutally regimented and scarily incompetent period in early imperial China, a 20-year old girl named Zhao dodged assassins and sold all of her belongings to raise a rebellious peasant army. After which, she conquered neighboring barbarian tribes, and assembled an even bigger military out of the bandits and cutpurses she domesticated. Pretty soon she had 70,000 people under her command in what was merrily dubbed “The Army of the Lady.” Eventually she marched with her Dad on the Imperial Palace, overthrew the Sui Dynasty, and spent the rest of her life a hardened military general as the legendary Princess Pingyang.--If you say Shaka Zulu was a leader of the Zulu “tribe” you are low-key racist. Shaka Zulu was a leader of the Zulu Empire. Shaka spent most of his youth beating up anyone who looked at him the wrong way, which put him in favor in the Zulu military. At this time, war in Sub-Saharan Africa was mainly contained to a long, unwieldy javelin called an “assegai,” which was thrown between two armies until they both got bored—nobody ever ended up conquered. Shaka changed this, Shaka wanted people to die, so Shaka introduced a shorter, broader, far more terrifying spear called an “iklwa.” Iklwas killed people, and Shaka Zulu essentially took over the entirety of the Savannah.--The Battle of the Bulge wasn’t just the second-best map from Battlefield: 1942, it was also the coldest, sickest, most miserable pivotal battle in World War II. Held up in Bastogne with the 101st Airborne Division, Commander Anthony McAuliffe found himself circled by a much larger German force. A message arrived from the German General Heinrich von Lüttwitz which warned that if U.S. forces didn’t surrender, artillery would eradicate them beyond dental records. McAuliffe responded with one word, “Nuts!”--Murad IV was tired of having his advisors take control of the Ottoman Empire, so one day he decided to straighten up, and have each of his failed associates strangled in front of him. In fact, throughout the next couple of years, anyone who had ever wronged him found themselves strangled in their beds. Under Murad IV’s rule, the penalty of public intoxication was immediate execution by scimitar. Ironically Murad IV was something of an alcoholic, when questioned about this; he simply responded, “Wine is such a devil I have to protect my people by drinking all of it.”--Krum The Horrible literally had the skulls of his vanquished foes fashioned into drinking cups. The end.
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