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Bad Advice... With Kitty Pryde

By Kitty Pryde

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In my freshman year of high school, South Park did that episode where they talked about gingers not having souls. I don't watch that show--I always feel like I might accidentally see them make fun of Donny Osmond, which would destroy me. But from what I understand, there were a bunch of inappropriate redhead jokes that made it through the freshman class very quickly. By the end of the week, I was so used to being the butt of secondhand jokes that it hasn't bothered me since.

However, over the past year I somehow amassed a much wider audience of immature 14 year olds. It's fun most of the time; fourteen is probably the pinnacle of that nightmarish puberty smart-ass age. Parents of 14-year-olds will buy whatever T-shirt or concert ticket their kid needs to shut up and leave them alone, and that works out for me. Unfortunately, this is also the age where even the really strict moms can no longer handle the awkwardness of seeing PornHub in the browser history. Suddenly, these hormonal and impressionable teens are let loose into the Internet. Once they have their first taste of "I can say every bad word in one sentence," they are unstoppable. And as of like six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where they hone their technique.

I'm rambling. The point of this is not to bitch about how annoying teenage boys are. This is a cry for help. The art of pissing people off online is almost altogether lost. It's time to take action and cultivate the skill and promise of obnoxious computer addicts before this art becomes ancient history. Remember what happened with punk rock? I don't, because I'm 12. But I feel like it used to be cool and now it isn't so that's the cautionary tale I'll use.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, do not fear. Here I have a very heartfelt poem from some kid on Facebook. This obviously painstaking effort is a glowing example of "trying to upset me but ending up looking very desperate and borderline illiterate without offending me at all because I've heard Odd Future before so like…. c'mon", and it frames my point quite nicely:

"Feline Fancy"

Why are people comparing Odd Future to Kitty Pryde?
Girl your good, but ill skin your hide, Creepin to your bedside
I would ask you to be my bride, If your hair wasn’t always dyed
And if your puss didn’t stink like high tide
Bitch step aside, or my trigger finger is gonna slide
You wanna be allied? Request denied, My identity hasn’t been verified
Tracks with Riff Raff, so all your remarks are snide
You need food to provide, for the kid that’s inside, that you picked up on the West Side
Now its time that you decide, please get your tubes tied, cause if you have a kid ill be horrified
Some how your shits nationwide, while my tracks haven’t even left the East Side 
Envying your success hurts my pride
You seem to out shine my every stride
Now I’m aiming at your anorexic back side
Let the laser sight be my guide
Or we could roll a paper plane and glide

Ok ill admit I’m just jealous of your emotion
I’m disgusted with my lack of devotion
So you get in the hole, and ill get the lotion
A 9 mil instead of 9 pills will quickly end our strife
I fuckin hate your life, in death you’ll be my wife
Your style and flow is what I adore
So do I love you, or what you stand for?
Why are you so famous you damn whore
You seem to win whenever I check the score
I’ve never gone down on a girl before
But I will for you after a trip to the liquor store
Then I wreak your back door till you get a saddle sore

You got famous off your parents money, Don’t get mad honey
While you take your hair and fledge, I push myself to the edge
Face first off the ledge, Something always bothered me about red hedge
Consuela, get the pledge! I’ve gone and made a mess, Blood soaks your sun dress
Love is leaking out your chest, You never would have guessed
Just lay down, I'll handle the rest
Write shit like this to make my parents think I'm possessed
I’ve never been blessed, Forget the rest, Smoke with the best
One day I'll see you at South by Southwest, I don’t even mind your small breast

Your boy friends a faggot
Kitty Kat, chase the rabbit
Its cold out here, take my leather jacket
Show me your heart, I'll attack it, With a hatchet
Animal pelts will decorate your casket
Not all girls are ratchet "

I appreciate the effort, of course. You tried. But I can't message this kid back, because he blocked me. This was another crucial mistake: you have to own your shitty jokes, always. The first step towards convincing others to laugh at something lame is to convince yourself it's not lame. 

Anyway, I'd just like to give him a few little notes on how I would personally improve this piece. First of all dude, why did you make the rhyming words bold? I read "Green Eggs and Ham." I have a pretty good handle on your single syllable rhyme schemes. Then there's the very confusing narrative. Are you trying to pull a Jekyll and Hyde-type thing? You're going to creep into my house and rape me and kill me, because you love me, but you also hate me, but you love my style and flow but you hate my life but you wanna see me at SXSW (ugh) but you hate my "red hedge" but you like my red hair. I suggest you at least organize the hate-love in some kind of recognizable order. This is just spastic.

Then there's the obvious fact that you've been Googling "what words rhyme with store?" Saddle sore? Okay. Plus, you rhymed West Side with East Side. And "take your hair and fledge." I don't know what that means. I really have no idea what you meant by that. I'm at a loss.

I just feel very sad for this kid, and since this isn't the first moronic jumble of I'm-going-to-rape-and-hurt-you I've been emailed, I'm going to assume that shit like this is pretty much a standard thing for today's 14-year-old kids to do after school. 

In my day, middle schoolers were sending emails that caused national security crises. Like when they hacked Sarah Palin's email. That was awesome. We've reached an age of lameness where kids think "Feline Fancy" is effectively provocative. And for that, I weep.

 

Kitty is a rapper and she tweets sometimes - @kitaveli

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