The Bible is pretty cool. No seriously, divorce it from any religious/backwards-ideological implications, and you’re left with one of the most significantly detailed ancient text in history. I’m not a Christian, but learning about the Bible – the editing, the storytelling traditions, the rhetorical structure – is something even the most ardent atheist can enjoy. Because I enjoy stupidly time-consuming stunt blog-writing, I went through almost every book in the Old Testament and thought of a band that best represents its themes or characters. I did this because I want to teach you about the Bible, and also because I thought it would be really silly. I might even do the New Testament next week.GENESIS – ENYA
Hippy-dippy and recklessly self-serious, it’s actually pretty impressive that a creation myth as thorough as Genesis has survived for so long. It also gave us one of the most overused pseudo-poetic words in the world, the titular “genesis.” So for self-imposed mythology, dorkiness, and undeniable naturalistic beauty, the book of Genesis is total Enya territory.EXODUS – SLAYER
Exodus was my favorite book of the Bible growing up, mostly because it gave me a weird, semi-schadenfreude glee reading about the increasingly horrific things happening to the Egyptian slavers because of their incessant uncouthness in the face of God. In some ways this is the exact same reaction I have to Slayer.LEVITICUS – NICKELBACK
Leviticus is the book of the Bible people always point to if they want to make a point of how terrible the Bible is. Not only is it homophobic and sexist, it’s also teeth-grindingly monotonous! So Nickelback is the obvious choice.NUMBERS – WEEZER
The gist of Numbers is how the incessant moaning and arbitrary disobedience of the Israelites gets them condemned by God to spend an entire generation wandering around in the wilderness. Much like Weezer, who has also spent a generation wandering around in the wilderness.DEUTORONAMY – THE BEATLES
In the same way we think of The Beatles as the iconic image of pop music, you’d probably think of Deuteronomy as the iconic image of the Old Testament – those 10 Commandments go a long way.JOSHUA – THE GAME
The Game has spent a significant amount of his time as a famous person telling us how remarkably influential Dr. Dre has been on his career and success. Similarly, most of Joshua has to do with the Israelites’ conquest and division of Canaan, all thanks to their adherence to the glory of God. It’s the same thing for real.JUDGES – PEARL JAM
Judges is a weird book of about six parables where Godly men destroy their enemies who don’t worship Yahweh. The Bible claims they had it coming at least. Chief amongst these stories is Samson, who I’d like to think looked a bit like Eddie Vedder. That’s the whole basis of this comparison, although I’m fairly certain if you cut off Eddie Vedder’s hair he would forget how to play the guitar.RUTH – OTIS REDDING
Much of Ruth has to do with knotty marriage/inheritance politics that are way too real to get into in an article this silly. But let’s just say it’s like Otis Redding, because at the end Ruth has a kid named Obed which kinda sounds like saying “Otis” with a mouth full of marbles.SAMUEL – FRANK OCEAN
Much of the Book of Samuel has to do with David’s poetic ascension to the throne of all Israel – marked most sufficiently with the slaying of Goliath – much in the same way Frank Ocean conquered the entire music industry by turning Nostalgia Ultra into a hit in the most fuck-you way possible. Seriously that album should’ve come with a sling.KINGS – ROBERT JOHNSON
Kings is a lot like Samuel, in the sense that it’s a folklore inspired history lesson. But Kings has far less memorable characters, the sort of thing you read for context more than anything else. In that sense, it’s a lot like those Robert Johnson box sets I forced myself to listen to in High School.CHRONICLES – M. WARD
Much of the first few chapters of Chronicles is a giant list of genealogies and bloodlines. It is basically List the Book. If you love lists, you’ll love Chronicles. Naturally M. Ward is a musician who always finds himself right in the middle of any list that has ever been written about music. Also M. Ward looks capable of leading a semi-mythical people through the ancient middle east.EZRA – TAYLOR SWIFT
So just go with me. One of Ezra’s primary players is the Persian king Cyrus the Great, and how Yahweh inspired him to help the Israelites rebuild Jerusalem. This is significant because obviously the Persians were considered historical enemies and enemies to the faith. MEANWHILE IN MODERN TIMES, Taylor Swift was considered a vapid pop star until the last year or so when collectively the entire music world decided that her brand of candid pop-country confessionals was very relevant and important to taste. She wasn’t an enemy after all. Taylor Swift and Cyrus the Great are the same.NEHEMIAH – FINGER ELEVEN
Nothing about Nehemiah is cool.ESTHER – RICK ROSS
Esther opens with the Persian king Ahasuerus getting rid of the queen Vashti because she refuses to show off her body to a bunch of royal scumbags. This, of course, sounds like something Rick Ross would do.JOB – THE VELVET UNDERGROUND
Job is historically the oldest book in the Bible, and it’s also the only document that introduces such heady, thoughtful material implying that perhaps the all-powerful God may not be all-good. For its age, and its lasting hipness, Job is clearly the Velvet Underground of the Old Testament.PSALMS – THE MOUNTIN GOATS
The longest book in the Bible, also perhaps the most verbose and probably responsible for a few cults. Also, John Darnielle made a concept album about The Bible one time.PROVERBS – AMANDA PALMER
Proverbs is a book essentially based on the premise of Solomon getting real with the reader, and spitting game on family, life, love, school, and other things. Solomon has some interesting things to say, but you always get the sense that he thinks he’s a little bit smarter than you…ECCLESIASTES – DANIELSON
Ecclesiastes is full of simple wisdom on enjoying life, because the lives of both good men and bad men all end with death. It’s certainly Christian, but with other priorities, kinda like how Danielson was the only “Christian” indie-rock band to ever gain traction.SONG OF SOLOMON – NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL
Song of Solomon is very short, only a hundred verses or so, but it’s been interpreted and reinterpreted constantly for millennia. You already know where I’m going with this.ISAIAH – MILLI VANILLI
There was a time when the book of Isaiah was considered to be a giant epic, full of prophecy and epic deceit. Of course now we know that the book of Isaiah was composed piecemeal over the course of centuries which casts a lot of those prophecies into question. Milli Vanilli were R&B game Book of Isaiah.JEREMIAH – ARIEL PINK
The book of Jeremiah is, of course, about Jeremiah – a crazy, vaguely hermetical dude who lived in Jerusalem who was generally abused by everyone he came in contact with. He also made a bunch of prophecies that totally came (biblically) true. Just like how Ariel Pink prophesized the musical aesthetics of the entire 21st century.LAMENTATIONS – APES & ANDROIDS
Nobody has ever read Lamentations, so I picked a random psych-rock band I guarantee you’ve never heard of.EZEKIEL – JEFFERSON AIRPLANE
The book of Ezekiel comes from a series of seven visions our pal Ezekiel had that predicted the eventual destruction and rebirth of Jerusalem. I do not know any musicians who have claimed to be inspired by legit visions, but I do know that Jefferson Airplane wrote “White Rabbit.”DANIEL – THE KNIFE
Daniel is also full of a bunch of stupid visions and interpretations, so let’s instead talk about the anectdote where a bunch of Daniel’s friends are thrown into a furnace where an angel saves them from a sudden, fiery death. I am not saying The Knife are angels, but if they incorporated a giant furnace into their live show I would not be surprised.HOSEA – DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
The main theme of Hosea is how God maintains an unending love for the Israelites, even as they continually sin. Much in the same way I will always, always, listen to the new Death Cab for Cutie album even though I know what I’m getting into at this point.JOEL – THE LOCUST
Remember that weird grindcore band The Locust? Well there are locusts in Joel. Nobody reads Joel.AMOS – CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH
It probably isn’t the first, but Amos is probably the first ultra-specific mention of the apocalypse in the Bible. Amos talks about the nearing Day of the Lord, and how final judgment will equalize the world. Much like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Amos was all hype no bite.And that’s it for the Old Testament, because the last eight or so books are so insignificant they’re not even worth our time. Sorry Zephaniah!Luke Winkie takes things from his brain and puts them on the Internet because of Twitter - @luke_winkie
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Hippy-dippy and recklessly self-serious, it’s actually pretty impressive that a creation myth as thorough as Genesis has survived for so long. It also gave us one of the most overused pseudo-poetic words in the world, the titular “genesis.” So for self-imposed mythology, dorkiness, and undeniable naturalistic beauty, the book of Genesis is total Enya territory.EXODUS – SLAYER
Exodus was my favorite book of the Bible growing up, mostly because it gave me a weird, semi-schadenfreude glee reading about the increasingly horrific things happening to the Egyptian slavers because of their incessant uncouthness in the face of God. In some ways this is the exact same reaction I have to Slayer.LEVITICUS – NICKELBACK
Leviticus is the book of the Bible people always point to if they want to make a point of how terrible the Bible is. Not only is it homophobic and sexist, it’s also teeth-grindingly monotonous! So Nickelback is the obvious choice.NUMBERS – WEEZER
The gist of Numbers is how the incessant moaning and arbitrary disobedience of the Israelites gets them condemned by God to spend an entire generation wandering around in the wilderness. Much like Weezer, who has also spent a generation wandering around in the wilderness.DEUTORONAMY – THE BEATLES
In the same way we think of The Beatles as the iconic image of pop music, you’d probably think of Deuteronomy as the iconic image of the Old Testament – those 10 Commandments go a long way.
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The Game has spent a significant amount of his time as a famous person telling us how remarkably influential Dr. Dre has been on his career and success. Similarly, most of Joshua has to do with the Israelites’ conquest and division of Canaan, all thanks to their adherence to the glory of God. It’s the same thing for real.JUDGES – PEARL JAM
Judges is a weird book of about six parables where Godly men destroy their enemies who don’t worship Yahweh. The Bible claims they had it coming at least. Chief amongst these stories is Samson, who I’d like to think looked a bit like Eddie Vedder. That’s the whole basis of this comparison, although I’m fairly certain if you cut off Eddie Vedder’s hair he would forget how to play the guitar.RUTH – OTIS REDDING
Much of Ruth has to do with knotty marriage/inheritance politics that are way too real to get into in an article this silly. But let’s just say it’s like Otis Redding, because at the end Ruth has a kid named Obed which kinda sounds like saying “Otis” with a mouth full of marbles.SAMUEL – FRANK OCEAN
Much of the Book of Samuel has to do with David’s poetic ascension to the throne of all Israel – marked most sufficiently with the slaying of Goliath – much in the same way Frank Ocean conquered the entire music industry by turning Nostalgia Ultra into a hit in the most fuck-you way possible. Seriously that album should’ve come with a sling.
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Kings is a lot like Samuel, in the sense that it’s a folklore inspired history lesson. But Kings has far less memorable characters, the sort of thing you read for context more than anything else. In that sense, it’s a lot like those Robert Johnson box sets I forced myself to listen to in High School.CHRONICLES – M. WARD
Much of the first few chapters of Chronicles is a giant list of genealogies and bloodlines. It is basically List the Book. If you love lists, you’ll love Chronicles. Naturally M. Ward is a musician who always finds himself right in the middle of any list that has ever been written about music. Also M. Ward looks capable of leading a semi-mythical people through the ancient middle east.EZRA – TAYLOR SWIFT
So just go with me. One of Ezra’s primary players is the Persian king Cyrus the Great, and how Yahweh inspired him to help the Israelites rebuild Jerusalem. This is significant because obviously the Persians were considered historical enemies and enemies to the faith. MEANWHILE IN MODERN TIMES, Taylor Swift was considered a vapid pop star until the last year or so when collectively the entire music world decided that her brand of candid pop-country confessionals was very relevant and important to taste. She wasn’t an enemy after all. Taylor Swift and Cyrus the Great are the same.NEHEMIAH – FINGER ELEVEN
Nothing about Nehemiah is cool.ESTHER – RICK ROSS
Esther opens with the Persian king Ahasuerus getting rid of the queen Vashti because she refuses to show off her body to a bunch of royal scumbags. This, of course, sounds like something Rick Ross would do.
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Job is historically the oldest book in the Bible, and it’s also the only document that introduces such heady, thoughtful material implying that perhaps the all-powerful God may not be all-good. For its age, and its lasting hipness, Job is clearly the Velvet Underground of the Old Testament.PSALMS – THE MOUNTIN GOATS
The longest book in the Bible, also perhaps the most verbose and probably responsible for a few cults. Also, John Darnielle made a concept album about The Bible one time.PROVERBS – AMANDA PALMER
Proverbs is a book essentially based on the premise of Solomon getting real with the reader, and spitting game on family, life, love, school, and other things. Solomon has some interesting things to say, but you always get the sense that he thinks he’s a little bit smarter than you…ECCLESIASTES – DANIELSON
Ecclesiastes is full of simple wisdom on enjoying life, because the lives of both good men and bad men all end with death. It’s certainly Christian, but with other priorities, kinda like how Danielson was the only “Christian” indie-rock band to ever gain traction.SONG OF SOLOMON – NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL
Song of Solomon is very short, only a hundred verses or so, but it’s been interpreted and reinterpreted constantly for millennia. You already know where I’m going with this.ISAIAH – MILLI VANILLI
There was a time when the book of Isaiah was considered to be a giant epic, full of prophecy and epic deceit. Of course now we know that the book of Isaiah was composed piecemeal over the course of centuries which casts a lot of those prophecies into question. Milli Vanilli were R&B game Book of Isaiah.
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The book of Jeremiah is, of course, about Jeremiah – a crazy, vaguely hermetical dude who lived in Jerusalem who was generally abused by everyone he came in contact with. He also made a bunch of prophecies that totally came (biblically) true. Just like how Ariel Pink prophesized the musical aesthetics of the entire 21st century.LAMENTATIONS – APES & ANDROIDS
Nobody has ever read Lamentations, so I picked a random psych-rock band I guarantee you’ve never heard of.EZEKIEL – JEFFERSON AIRPLANE
The book of Ezekiel comes from a series of seven visions our pal Ezekiel had that predicted the eventual destruction and rebirth of Jerusalem. I do not know any musicians who have claimed to be inspired by legit visions, but I do know that Jefferson Airplane wrote “White Rabbit.”DANIEL – THE KNIFE
Daniel is also full of a bunch of stupid visions and interpretations, so let’s instead talk about the anectdote where a bunch of Daniel’s friends are thrown into a furnace where an angel saves them from a sudden, fiery death. I am not saying The Knife are angels, but if they incorporated a giant furnace into their live show I would not be surprised.HOSEA – DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
The main theme of Hosea is how God maintains an unending love for the Israelites, even as they continually sin. Much in the same way I will always, always, listen to the new Death Cab for Cutie album even though I know what I’m getting into at this point.JOEL – THE LOCUST
Remember that weird grindcore band The Locust? Well there are locusts in Joel. Nobody reads Joel.AMOS – CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH
It probably isn’t the first, but Amos is probably the first ultra-specific mention of the apocalypse in the Bible. Amos talks about the nearing Day of the Lord, and how final judgment will equalize the world. Much like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Amos was all hype no bite.And that’s it for the Old Testament, because the last eight or so books are so insignificant they’re not even worth our time. Sorry Zephaniah!Luke Winkie takes things from his brain and puts them on the Internet because of Twitter - @luke_winkie