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The Greatest Summer Jam Since 1980 - Kid Mero Edition

By The Kid Mero

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[Editor's Note: When we asked The Kid Mero to fill out a ballot for our Greatest Summer Jam Since 1980 tournament, he blurbed every single song. Since all of his blurbs were hilarious, we're reposting his entire ballot, unedited.]

YOLO/SWAG DIVISION

-Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" vs. Solange's "Keep Losing You"
DAFT PUNK. DAMN AND THIS WAS A TOUGH ONE CUZ BOTH THESE SHITS IS PARISIAN BATH HOUSE HANDJILZ MUSIC.

-Cee-Lo's "Fuck You" vs. DJ Khaled/Everybody's "I'm On One"
IM ON ONE, NOT BECAUSE ITS A GOOD SONG BUT BECAUSE THE CEELO SHIT WAS SO PEPSI COMMERCIAL FUCKBOY MUSIC I BET THEY COULDA PLAYED THE DIRTY VERSION ON A PEPSI COMMERCIAL AND NIGGAS WUNT EVEN NOTICE.

-Japandroids' "The House that Heaven Built" vs. Carlie Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe"
THAT CARLIE RAE JEPSEN SHIT IS THE SHIT SOME OF YOU FUCKNIGGAS SING IN THE CAR WHEN YOU THINK NOBODY LOOKIN.

-Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Getting Back Together" vs Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass"
IMA GO WITH NICKI HERE JUST OFF THE STRENGTH THAT I WOULD RATHER LISTEN TO A BEAR EATING GRAVEL THAN LISTEN TO TAYLOR SWIFT TBH.

 

BLING BLING/CRUNK DIVISION

-M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" vs. Outkast's "Hey Ya"
HEY YA IS "STOMP & CLAP" RAP (SHOUTOUT TO AYRES) AND I HATE THAT SHIT. MIA.

-Mike Jones/Slim Thug's "Still Tippin'" vs. "Danger! High Voltage!"
DIDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO THE OTHER SONG TO BE FRANK WITH YOU MY PALS STILL TIPPIN GOTTA BE TOP 5 IN THIS SHIT.

-Kanye West/Twista's "Slow Jamz" vs. Jay-Z/UGK's "Big Pimpin'"
PIMP C BODIED BIG PIMPIN SO HARD MY NIGGA NOT EVEN "I GOT A LITE SKIN GIRL LOOK LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON GOT A DARK SKIN GIRL LOOK LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON" IS BEATING HIS WEAKEST LINE B. ALSO NIGGAS WAS NOT FUCKING WITH PRE HGH TIMBALAND. AT ALL.

-MGMT's "Kids" vs. R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)"
KELLZ. CMON MY NIGGA. KELZ. *PUTS ON ZORO MASK & DOES PP ON MGMTS FACIAL*

 

PEACE/WHATEVER DIVISION

-Sublime's "What I Got" vs. Tupac/Dr. Dre's "California Love"
SUBLIME IMMEDIATELY CONJURES UP IMAGES OF WHITE MEN IN FLIPFLOPS WHICH IS FUCKIN TERRIFYING B. DRE GOT THIS.

-DJ Kool's "Let Me Clear My Throat" vs. Warren G/Nate Dogg's "Regulate"
THIS WAS CLOSE BUT RIP NATE DOGG REGULATE IS CLASSICAL RIDE AROUND HIGH MUSIC.

-Blink 182's "All the Small Things" vs. Ginuwine's "Pony"
I COLD THREW PONY ON AFTER AN HOUR LONG BACHATA SET AND NIGGAS LOST IT

-Third Eye Blind's "Semi Charmed Life" vs. Len's "Steal My Sunshine"
THEM LEN NIGGAS PROLLY BROKE SO IMA GIVE THEM THIS ONE AND NIGGAS WAS RIDING A PASOLA IN THE VIDEO.

 

PLAYBOY/MATERIAL GIRL DIVISION

-Guns N Roses' "Paradise City" vs. Depeche Mode's "Can't Get Enough"
YO LMAO I DONT KNOW ANY OF THE WORDS TO PARADISE CITY BUT I'LL SING THAT WHOLE SHIT AND AIR GUITAR WRONG TOO.

-Violent Femmes' "Blister in the Sun" vs. Michael Jackson's "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'"
I HAD A MICHAEL JACKSON DOLL WHEN I WAS LIKE 5 B. LIKE DEEP TAN MIKE ONE GLOVE MIKE.

-Dexy's Midnight Runners' "Come On Eileen" vs. Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"
BOTH THESE SHITS SUCK BUT I'M EATING LEFTOVER VEGETABLE DUMPLINGS SO I PICKED WANG CHUNG.

-Hall & Oates' "You Make My Dreams" vs. Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Right Round"
WHAT MOVIE USED "YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND" TO SHOW LIKE JOHN GOODMAN FUCKIN TIM ALLEN IN THE BUTT? I READ SOME SHIT ABOUT THAT, NO? HALL & OATES CUZ THOSE NIGGAS PROLLY DID WIIIIIIILD YAY IN THE 70S/80S NIGGAS WAS PROLLY GETTIN CAKED UP WITH RICK JAMES & SHIT LOLZ.

 

This is but a taste of The Kid Mero's wisdom. He's on Twitter - @THEKIDMERO

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