The Five Worst Types of Music in Porn

A man, at a computer, presumably watching porn. Image via Pixabay.

Let's be honest, most of what we know about the world of porn is based on stereotypes that we've encountered, and therefore expect. In porn, most of the women in porn have freakishly large fake boobs, all food delivery is paid for with sexual pleasure, sexual harassment in the workplace is weirdly welcome… the list goes on and on. But there is one specific stereotype that irks me—a five-year veteran of the porn industry, working behind the scenes to make sure you can catch an ass-to-mouth-matinee whenever you’d like—because it simply isn't true, and that is that all porn music sounds the same.

Having worked with several of the top porn companies in the history of the universe, I have seen the importance of music range from “We need something that pays tribute to David Foster's glorious score for St. Elmo's Fire” all the way to “just steal something from someone's David Foster tribute Tripod page.” I'm sure most of you have seen porn, whether on this internet thingie or found inadvertently in some drawer in your parents’ bedroom. And whether or not you want to admit it, you have been enthralled by the musical selections, probably because of how terrible it is. It's been mocked on TV and in movies, and some even claim that the theme from Shaft was influenced by the funky porn scores from the early years (Note: I totally just made that up). You've probably never even thought about it but the music in porn is about as synonymous with porn as the sound of sweaty balls slapping against skin. So with that, said I present to you the five worst porn scores that will surely cause an erect penis to shrivel and die.

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This is considered THE standard, the stereotypical answer whenever you ask the average Joe about porn music. Funky baselines, the all-too familiar wacka wacka guitars and laid back undulating drum beat that almost seems to coincide with the rhythmic thrusting happening on screen. This particular style dates back to the early 70s (obviously) with the soundtrack to the uber-popular Deep Throat, but various other historians have predated it all the way back to biblical times when we were first introduced to Mary Magdalene when God himself rained down cheesy guitar solos from the heavens. Please note, it is very easy to confuse this particular style of music with the even more embarrassing genre of “Your Favorite 90s Wrestler Intro Music.”

Clearly whoever wrote the music for these particular scores still held onto hope of breaking into the mainstream. Classics like the Taboo series have songs centered around shining stars and fire and stuff even though all of the action on screen is about relatives doin' it. The motivational aspect of lyrics like “She's on fire. She can't deny her deepest desire” allows this genre to double-up as awesome workout music. Rumor has it that all of the major writers of this genre quit at the same time and went on to form Journey. That would explain the Pavlovian erections I get every time I hear “Open Arms.”

I had braces so I spent many hours in the from room of Dr. Miller’s office as I waited to get those wires tightened, therefore I listened to a lot of easy listening tunes that sound suspiciously like “You Belong to the City” by Glen Frey or the opening music to The Girls of Godiva High. Don't know what I'm talking about? Call the DMV and while on hold try jerking off. There aren't any lyrics, just a lot of over-the-top saxophone solos and the occasional bongo jam to shake things up, reminding you to pay attention. There are no peaks and valleys to these jams since they just repeat everything over and over. Later 90s versions incorporated a more bass-heavy tone since, you know, no one gave a shit about saxophones once Nirvana came out.

“Hey, we spent all our budget to get this midget, now we can't afford to pay for the license for the theme to Fantasy Island.”

“Give me 12 minutes. I just bought this Casio synthesizer. I'll come up with something close enough.”

This style is all about mimicking the form and limitations of primitive downloadable ring tones or sports music from the original Nintendo.

While that bow chicka sound is the most widely thought of when it comes to porn, this style has become the new standard in the smut world today. It sounds like hip-hop or house, but really, all it's doing is emulating the basic original formula except instead of a guitar, somebody figured out how to use Ableton. It's like they mashed all of Drake's music into one song, slowed it down, and removed all the words.

Seth's Beard works at the porn site Woodrocket and lives, laughs, and loves on Twitter.