[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
WOW SON I HIT PLAY ON THIS SHIT AND I WAS LIKE "YO YOU KNOW WHAT, COUNTRY MUSIC IS THE WORST SHIT EVER BUT IMA GIVE THIS A SHOT" AND THE FIRST SONG ON THIS SHIT IS CALLED "COWBOY TAKE ME AWAY" AND THERE'S MAD BANJO IN IT B. HERE'S A SECRET YOU MAY NOT KNOW UNLESS YOU IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY OR A MINORITY. BANJOS (BANJOES?) MAKE EVERYTHING SOUND RACIST B. IF YOU PLAYED A MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. SPEECH AND HAD A BANJO PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND IT WOULD SOUND LIKE THAT NIGGA WAS RUSH LIMBAUGH AT A KLAN RALLY. THIS IS MUSIC FOR THE SCENE IN A REESE WITHERSPOON MOVIE WHERE SHE'S ABOUT TO KISS THE YOKEL HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEART SHE LEFT BEHIND WHEN SHE MOVED "UP NORTH TO THE BIG CITY"...OH SHIT MY CAUCASIAN SPOUSE JUST INFORMED ME THAT'S A REAL MOVIE. I SHOULD BE "CURATING" SOUNDTRACKS B. THERE'S NIGGAS THAT GET PAID WILD SHEETS TO DISPERSE THESE "CURATING" DARTS YOU NIGGAS ARE GETTING FOR FREE OF CHARGES RIGHT NOW SON. PLEASE THANK ME MONETARILY. THE DIXIE CHICKS BRING AN R&B SENSIBILITY TO COUNTRY MUSIC. THAT'S MY ONE SERIOUS MUSICAL STATEMENT AND I DON'T THINK ITS ACCURATE BUT SOME ASSHOLE THAT WENT TO SCHOOL TO DO THIS AND IS $90000 IN DEBT IS PROLLY READIN THIS MAD AS FUCK THAT I DON'T OWE CUNY SHIT AND I'M DOIN THIS AND GETTING PAID UNHANDSOMELY FOR IT. YO IF YOU'RE A 55 YEAR OLD WHITE MOM WHO KIDS DON'T LIVE AT HOME THIS IS YOUR MASTURBATION MUSIC B. LIGHT SOME CANDLES AND GET YOUR RABBIT MA, THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.
I GIVE THIS SHIT 0 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUT OF 5 THIS IS THE BLOW MY NIGGA. I NEVER WANNA HEAR WHITE WOMEN SING OVER BANJOS EVER AGAIN UNLESS ITS AT MY TAX PARTY* (GOOGLE KID MERO TAX PARTY FOR MORE INFO)
STANDOUT TRACK: "LANDSLIDE" CUZ I THINK I HEARD THIS SHIT IN A ROMCOM I GOT A VERY PROLIFIC BJ WHILE "WATCHING" SO IT BRINGS BACK FOND MEMORIES NAHMEAN.
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