The Dixie Chicks Greatest Hits Reminds Me That Banjos Are Always Racist
[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
WOW SON I HIT PLAY ON THIS SHIT AND I WAS LIKE "YO YOU KNOW WHAT, COUNTRY MUSIC IS THE WORST SHIT EVER BUT IMA GIVE THIS A SHOT" AND THE FIRST SONG ON THIS SHIT IS CALLED "COWBOY TAKE ME AWAY" AND THERE'S MAD BANJO IN IT B. HERE'S A SECRET YOU MAY NOT KNOW UNLESS YOU IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY OR A MINORITY. BANJOS (BANJOES?) MAKE EVERYTHING SOUND RACIST B. IF YOU PLAYED A MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. SPEECH AND HAD A BANJO PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND IT WOULD SOUND LIKE THAT NIGGA WAS RUSH LIMBAUGH AT A KLAN RALLY. THIS IS MUSIC FOR THE SCENE IN A REESE WITHERSPOON MOVIE WHERE SHE'S ABOUT TO KISS THE YOKEL HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEART SHE LEFT BEHIND WHEN SHE MOVED "UP NORTH TO THE BIG CITY"...OH SHIT MY CAUCASIAN SPOUSE JUST INFORMED ME THAT'S A REAL MOVIE. I SHOULD BE "CURATING" SOUNDTRACKS B. THERE'S NIGGAS THAT GET PAID WILD SHEETS TO DISPERSE THESE "CURATING" DARTS YOU NIGGAS ARE GETTING FOR FREE OF CHARGES RIGHT NOW SON. PLEASE THANK ME MONETARILY. THE DIXIE CHICKS BRING AN R&B SENSIBILITY TO COUNTRY MUSIC. THAT'S MY ONE SERIOUS MUSICAL STATEMENT AND I DON'T THINK ITS ACCURATE BUT SOME ASSHOLE THAT WENT TO SCHOOL TO DO THIS AND IS $90000 IN DEBT IS PROLLY READIN THIS MAD AS FUCK THAT I DON'T OWE CUNY SHIT AND I'M DOIN THIS AND GETTING PAID UNHANDSOMELY FOR IT. YO IF YOU'RE A 55 YEAR OLD WHITE MOM WHO KIDS DON'T LIVE AT HOME THIS IS YOUR MASTURBATION MUSIC B. LIGHT SOME CANDLES AND GET YOUR RABBIT MA, THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.
I GIVE THIS SHIT 0 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUT OF 5 THIS IS THE BLOW MY NIGGA. I NEVER WANNA HEAR WHITE WOMEN SING OVER BANJOS EVER AGAIN UNLESS ITS AT MY TAX PARTY* (GOOGLE KID MERO TAX PARTY FOR MORE INFO)
STANDOUT TRACK: "LANDSLIDE" CUZ I THINK I HEARD THIS SHIT IN A ROMCOM I GOT A VERY PROLIFIC BJ WHILE "WATCHING" SO IT BRINGS BACK FOND MEMORIES NAHMEAN.
The Score: Mapping the Music and Style of 'That Thing You Do!'
Sixties chic via the 90s and that one song over and over and over.
We're Premiering Big K.R.I.T.'s "Steps" Documentary & a New Song Feat. Big SANT & Smoke DZA
#weekofKRIT Is Almost Over.
Kanye West and Crustpunk: Together at Last
It's the Leftöver Crack/Kanye mashup you've been waiting for.
Welcome to Koch Boyz, Where We Document What French Montana and the Koch Brothers Are Up To
Welcome to Koch Boyz, a column dedicated to any time the Koch Brothers and French Montana do anything within a few days of each other.
Watch Mark McGuire's Pretty Personal Video for "The Human Condition"
Former Emeralds guitarist incorporates footage from his Dad's "celebrity roast" back in 89...
Listen to a Preview of Julian Casablancas' New Solo LP
The Strokes frontman teases us with what's to come under his new guise Julian Casablancas + The Voidz.
Dum Dum Girls - "Are You Okay" (By Bret Easton Ellis, Official Short Film)
The Dum Dum Girls team up with Bret Easton Ellis in this anxious tale of chilling neurosis. Plus a very personal interview with Dee Dee.
Inside Icona Pop's Wardrobe on Miley's Bangerz Tour
How can you compete with Miley's tongue? By dressing like a cyber warrior from future planet called Awesome.
Listen to an Unreleased Unwound Track, and Read Our In-Depth Interview
Numero Group has taken it upon themselves to give the cult band the historical treatment they deserve.
Real Estate: The Atlas of New Jersey
The band opens up about being called a beach band and how the internet is ruining our lives.