We already know that music festivals are maybe the worst possible environment for a budding romance, and still, people are treating the pre-headliner Port-a-Potty line like their own personal Bunny Ranch lineup. Why? Firstly, because people are idiots, and secondly, because people are horny idiots. Here are some choice desperate aphrodisiphiles from Pitchfork Music Festival's missed connections.
If you're just looking for photos of Urban Outfitters assistant managers to add to your spank bank, there's probably a Tumblr for that.
"Slightly bearded" with a dolphin tattoo and a Camelback? Looks like someone wandered over from Phish's Northerly Island show. But you know, every girl does go weak in the knees for an unkempt, self-absorbed gym rat with an affinity for jam bands and rubbing his groin on strangers. Keep it phreaky, you phucking weirdo.
Oh, sweetie, no...
Have you ever wanted to take your thumbs and hold them against your eyeballs and then push them through your eye sockets and into the back of your head until you're wearing your own skull like a double-fisted Sock 'em Bopper? (Willfully ignoring the use of the term "fedora-esque" here.)
Seems our "cute drunk" friend Maria Sherman has found her first missed connection! If you're the e-suitor trying to win Maria's heart, you should know that her interests include "like music literature booze and shit. i actually don't know what i like," and her idea of the perfect date is "WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS." If you're the guy for Maria, email us at BColi@noisey.com. You gon' learn.
Sasha Hecht got no missed connections. No missed connections for Sasha - @sashahecht