For the past two months, I have been using this space to review and, to a greater extent, analyze popular songs on Billboard’s Adult Contemporary chart. Like anything I do, this has received rapturous critical praise and earned me respect across various academic, spiritual, and sexual fields.Despite this, my illuminating examinations of the adult contemporary music world have been held back by one frustrating obstruction: the adult contemporary chart itself.On its website, Billboard defines the chart as “The week's most popular soft rock songs, ranked by radio airplay detections as measured by Nielsen BDS.” Now, this is some fine boilerplate babble that any contemporary adult can respect, but it saddens me to say that Billboard does not hold itself to its own babbling nonsense.On any given week, barely half the songs ranked in the top 15 could be defined as “soft rock.” The chart reflects Lite FM airplay and has been opened up and adapted to reflect the changes in modern popular music.In other, simpler words: adult contemporary has been ruthlessly molested into a shameful Frankenstein’s Monster, assembled from the leftover, decayed organs and flesh of young people’s music. In order to save this endangered genre, I have taken it upon myself to draft a new set of rules for defining adult contemporary in hopes that they will be accepted and enforced as law by the appropriate powers (i.e., private security forces, municipal police departments, the Air Force, SEAL Team Six and so on and so forth. Billboard has shown they cannot be trusted with this responsibility so they have been circumvented in what I can only hope is perceived publicly to be a punishment of Biblical [Old Testament] proportions).The following rules are ranked in no particular order, which is not to say the very unparticularness of this list wasn’t heavily and particularly scrutinized by myself:-No bleeps and absolutely no bloops:
While electronic music’s influence has infiltrated essentially every single musical genre in recent years, it has no place amongst the smooth and inoffensive sounds of adult contemporary. Contemporary adults deal with technology far more than previous generations of adults, and this is why the robotic conniptions dreamt up by “DJs” have no place here. Easy listening should be a refuge, not a reminder of the daily frustrations brought about by computers and websites like the one you are reading right now.And if I could find a demarcations more degrading than scare quotes for “DJs,” I would use them. These Eurotrash knuckleheads don’t deal in discs and the only thing they’re jockeying for is the award for “Worst Noise-Maker Who Makes Me Want To Sterilize All Youths.”Maroon 5’s “Love Somebody,” which is currently ranked 11th on the Adult Contemporary Chart, is an example of a song that is in violation of this rule. Its very presence on the chart makes me want to lash out against this bullshit world.-Song must include either 1 (one) piano or 1 (one) guitar
This is an extension of the previous rule but it’s worth emphasizing. Remember, ad-co is soft rock, and these instruments are instrumental (pun forcefully and angrily intended).-No Rapping
Sure, rap is a three-and-a-half-decade-old genre routinely performed and enjoyed by contemporary adults, but it is still too fresh to belong on this chart. After listening to some of Magna Carta Holy Grail, however, it seems very apparent that this will soon change.A hit like Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” (featuring T.I.) managed to sneak up to 22nd on the adult contemporary chart because of its sheer radio ubiquity. This should have been flagged by Billboard. Surprise surprise, guess who fell asleep at the switch yet again.-Listeners should want to—at most—sway; not dance
Dancing has no place in the adult contemporary world. We demand a lame torpid beat that doesn’t put us in danger of having to outwardly express “joy” or “happiness” with feats of rhythmic risk. Toe-tapping is fine, but if a song swells to inspire hip shaking then you should immediately switch on over to AM radio and let it warm you in its elderly embrace.-It should be barely noticeable, even if played at high volume
Adult Contemporary music is the soundtrack for the least memorable moments of our lives. Waiting in a TJ Maxx checkout line, filling out insurance forms for your dentist, eating at one of Cincinnati's tamer food courts: This is when you are subjected to adult contemporary. If jarring or, God forbid, enjoyable music is played during these experiences, we’d be forced to internalize and confront them, something we absolutely must not do if we want to make it through adulthood with our sanity intact.-Go nuts with the similes
These keep everything grounded in bad poetry (like roots). And, as is plainly evident, adult contemporary's direct ancestor and main genetic contributor is bad poetry (like a caveman or monkeys, although be careful with the evolution stuff as ad-co gets a lot of play at Chick-fil-As).So, there you have it: The New Adult Contemporary Constitution. It should be noted that the current number one song on the chart---Pink’s “Just Give Me a Reason”--follows the majority of these rules to a near tee. We have some work to do (the drum machine nears “bleep and bloop” territory), but, with any luck, the future of adult contemporary music should be a safe and boring one.God Bless America, and God Bless Adult Contemporary Music.Nick Greene is an American. He's on Twitter — @nickgreene
Advertisement
Advertisement
While electronic music’s influence has infiltrated essentially every single musical genre in recent years, it has no place amongst the smooth and inoffensive sounds of adult contemporary. Contemporary adults deal with technology far more than previous generations of adults, and this is why the robotic conniptions dreamt up by “DJs” have no place here. Easy listening should be a refuge, not a reminder of the daily frustrations brought about by computers and websites like the one you are reading right now.And if I could find a demarcations more degrading than scare quotes for “DJs,” I would use them. These Eurotrash knuckleheads don’t deal in discs and the only thing they’re jockeying for is the award for “Worst Noise-Maker Who Makes Me Want To Sterilize All Youths.”Maroon 5’s “Love Somebody,” which is currently ranked 11th on the Adult Contemporary Chart, is an example of a song that is in violation of this rule. Its very presence on the chart makes me want to lash out against this bullshit world.-Song must include either 1 (one) piano or 1 (one) guitar
This is an extension of the previous rule but it’s worth emphasizing. Remember, ad-co is soft rock, and these instruments are instrumental (pun forcefully and angrily intended).-No Rapping
Sure, rap is a three-and-a-half-decade-old genre routinely performed and enjoyed by contemporary adults, but it is still too fresh to belong on this chart. After listening to some of Magna Carta Holy Grail, however, it seems very apparent that this will soon change.
Advertisement
Dancing has no place in the adult contemporary world. We demand a lame torpid beat that doesn’t put us in danger of having to outwardly express “joy” or “happiness” with feats of rhythmic risk. Toe-tapping is fine, but if a song swells to inspire hip shaking then you should immediately switch on over to AM radio and let it warm you in its elderly embrace.-It should be barely noticeable, even if played at high volume
Adult Contemporary music is the soundtrack for the least memorable moments of our lives. Waiting in a TJ Maxx checkout line, filling out insurance forms for your dentist, eating at one of Cincinnati's tamer food courts: This is when you are subjected to adult contemporary. If jarring or, God forbid, enjoyable music is played during these experiences, we’d be forced to internalize and confront them, something we absolutely must not do if we want to make it through adulthood with our sanity intact.-Go nuts with the similes
These keep everything grounded in bad poetry (like roots). And, as is plainly evident, adult contemporary's direct ancestor and main genetic contributor is bad poetry (like a caveman or monkeys, although be careful with the evolution stuff as ad-co gets a lot of play at Chick-fil-As).So, there you have it: The New Adult Contemporary Constitution. It should be noted that the current number one song on the chart---Pink’s “Just Give Me a Reason”--follows the majority of these rules to a near tee. We have some work to do (the drum machine nears “bleep and bloop” territory), but, with any luck, the future of adult contemporary music should be a safe and boring one.God Bless America, and God Bless Adult Contemporary Music.Nick Greene is an American. He's on Twitter — @nickgreene