The Actual Best Rapper in Every City

I went into Buzzfeed’s video-list of “The Most Important Rappers From Every Major City” with an open mind but, unfortunately, it was inane and ill-informed. Eh. Arguments about “the most important rapper” are the type of shit that start fights in certain circles and I’m in no hurry to start them. But Buzzfeed set it off with their three-minute history-ignoring slice of “nah” and at this point it’s up to me to right these wrongs. At the very least, I’m gonna air out the entire content of the video and undercut their views.

Buzzfeed’s picks “are based on both artistic merit and cultural influence” and mine are too, but unlike Buzzfeed I actually know what I’m talking about.

Buzzfeed: Kanye West “because, obviously”

Noisey: BJ Armstrong

Buzzfeed would think Kanye West is the obvious choice, but they are overlooking BJ Armstrong. The Bulls’ point guard is used to being overshadowed by the likes of Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen; this is just more of the same to him. Growing up, my dentist had a poster of him modeling mouthguards, I always respected that.

Buzzfeed: Scarface “the elder statesman of Houston rap … sorry Bun B!”

Noisey: Lil Marice

“I’m a baller, shot-caller and I’m seven years old / my blades gon chop and my trunk pop low”

After Lil Flip’s cousin jumped on “Everyday," the game would never be the same. He’s choppin blades at age seven!

Buzzfeed: Lil Twist “yeah, that surprised us too … step it up Dallas!”

Noisey: Whoever shot JR

Lil Twist? Can Buzzfeed even name a Lil Twist song? Can Buzzfeed tell who shot JR? I bet they got bars.

Buzzfeed: Guru “he’s not just the most important rapper from Boston, he’s the only important rapper from Boston”

Noisey: Oliver R. Smoot

Rest in Peace to the Guru, but dude did not have a non-tradtional unit of measurement named after him.

Buzzfeed: Bone Thugz N Harmony

Noisey: Al Fatz

“I Done Came Down” is a national treasure.

Buzzfeed: Eminem

Noisey: The Abandoned, Decaying Tiger Stadium

Eminem fell off a decade ago and talks way too much about hitting women. Tiger Stadium also fell off a decade ago (the Detroit Tigers relocated to Comerica Park in 2000) but it’s a baseball stadium that the city of Detroit cannot afford to demolish. What’s more hip-hop than that?

Buzzfeed: Macklemore “sorry Mix-A-Lot!”

Noisey: Sir Mix-A-Lot

Please go read this oral history of the “Baby Got Back” video if you have not.

Buzzfeed: Too Short “easily the most important rapper from Oakland”

Buzzfeed: E–40 “clearly the most important rapper from Vallejo”

Buzzfeed: Tupac “that one’s a no-brainer!”

Noisey: Lil B

FAKE BASED.

(Also RIP Mac Dre)

Buzzfeed: Rick Ross “aka the Teflon Don”

Noisey: Your Grandparents

Give them a call, they’d really appreciate it. They really love you.

Buzzfeed: Black Thought “also the most underrated rapper from Philly”

Noisey: LOL WAIT WHAT AYO ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

I mean, the best rapper in Philly is obviously “Beanie Sigel after shooting someone for a single perc 30” but Black Thought is on national TV every single night, how much more “rated” do you want dude to be?

Buzzfeed: Wiz Khalifa “essentially the first rapper from Pittsburg”

Noisey: You spelled “Pittsburgh” wrong

Here’s my friend (and Pittsburgh rapper) Dos Noun performing in Athens, Greece.

Buzzfeed: Slug “the most important rapper to remind you of your angsty era”

Noisey: Craig Finn

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Slug but “Chill Out Tent” the foremost love song of our generation.

Buzzfeed: Weezy “sorry bros”

Noisey: Boosie

FREE BOOSIE (ps didn’t Wayne move to Miami?)

Buzzfeed: Nelly “remember him?”

Noisey: Nelly

Nelly was on a song that went 6x platinum in 2013. If Buzzfeed doesn’t know “Cruise (remix)” I really gotta sharpen up my assumptions about boring people.

Buzzfeed: Tech N9ne “look him up”

Noisey: Andy Reid

I’m getting bored.

Buzzfeed: Outkast “well, they’re the two most important rappers from Atlanta”

Noisey: Kilo Ali

Kilo Ali fathered half of Atlanta post–2000’s style in the 90’s and also burned down his house while smoking crack. I can’t find it but there’s a comment on one of his YouTube videos where someone is like “you fucked my mom in ’93.”

Buzzfeed: Wale “ugh”

Noisey: Wale

Wale is really good live. He still brings a Go-Go band out and they do awesome renditions of all his songs. I don’t mean that in a “IT’S REAL MUSIC, NOT LIKE THAT SAMPLED BULLSHIT” way, they just put on a really fun show.

Buzzfeed: Juicy J “20 years in the game”

Noisey: Project Pat

I’m really happy for Juice but I wanna see Project Pattuh get some of that “white girls on molly” money too.

And then it’s just LA and New York and I would sooner get in an internet argument about “real hip-hop” than even wade into that pool of tired dorm-room conversation. (The best rapper from the Bronx is French Montana though.)

Skinny Friedman is the best rapper currently residing in his apartment. He's on Twitter - @skinny412