photo via The Record Exchange
If you’ve ever spent any time flipping through used CDs at a record store, first of all, cut that shit out, it’s 2014. What are you, Amish? Secondly, you know that used CD bins are a Saturday afternoon-killing adventure box where occasional treasures are to be found. But for the most part, they are just wastelands of sad rejection in jewel case form.
In every used CD bin or rack, no matter what store you go to, there are some albums that can inevitably be found somewhere at the bottom. It’s like used bins are a centrifuge for mass-produced music with only the lamest, most poorly aging albums filtering to the bottom. Here are the albums you can find in just about any used bin in the country...
R.E.M. - Monster
Oh god, this album. This fucking album. Monster is like herpes for music stores. You get rid of one copy and three more take its place.
Hootie and the Blowfish - Cracked Rear View
Please, lame white guys from the 90s who wore hoodies with cargo shorts, nobody wants this album and there’s a reason the record store has 40 used copies. Just throw it in the fucking trash.
Adam Sandler - Stan and Judy’s Kid
Much like Adam Sandler’s movies, the quality of his comedy albums went drastically down the shitter after the first two. This album bordered on self-parody. Sandler sounded like Jimmy Fallon’s impression of him and it was equally unfunny.
Chumbawamba - Tubthumper
Buying this album in 1997 felt a lot like buying condoms. There was only one reason you could possibly be buying it. You knew it, the guy behind the counter knew it, and everyone in line knew it. You wanted to hear the first song, “Tubthumping.” (You know, the song that drunk idiots at bars sing: “I get knocked down! But I get up again! Younevergonneverkeepmedown! I get knocked down!”) And much like condoms, after that initial excitement wore off, you were left with another hour to feel nothing but pure regret at your terrible life choice.
Stone Temple Pilots - Purple
Everybody bought this album in 1994 before we all remembered, “Oh, right. We already have Pearl Jam. We don’t need this shit.”
Punk O Rama 4
Gee, with A-list late-90s Warped Tour bands like Ten Foot Pole, 98 Mute, Osker, and Zeke, it’s amazing anyone was willing to part with this gem of a comp!
Goo Goo Dolls - A Boy Named Goo
There was only one album in the 90s with a naked child on it that was worth buying and this wasn't it.
Batman Forever Soundtrack
While the movie itself was box office poison, the soundtrack was actually not that bad. There was—no joke—a Sunny Day Real Estate song buried at the end of it, as well as songs by Method Man, Nick Cave, the Flaming Lips, and a non-terrible Offspring song. Unfortunately, 100% of the people who bought this were d-bags with Val Kilmer haircuts who blasted Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose” as they tried to get women to fuck them.
Bush - Razorblade Suitcase
Man, Bush’s first album had so many hits on it! “Everything Zen” and “Machinehead” and “Glycerine”! Surely, this album must be just as good, right? ….Oh.
Will Smith - Big Willie Style
There was never a time when it was cool to own Will Smith’s album of inoffensive rap songs. Whenever you finally realized that and sold the thing back to the store was too late.
Backstreet Boys - Millenium
Before you try to sell this album to a record store, think: Is the 50 cents they will maybe give you for it worth the embarrassment of admitting you own this?
Live - Throwing Copper
Does anyone even remember what this band actually sounded like? Or do we just remember this terrible cover in our faces at every turn?
Spin Doctors - Pocket Full of Kryptonite
Who would’ve guessed that a guy who wears those wool hats with the dangling pom poms on them would make an album that was anything but timeless?
Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
This album is this generation’s R.E.M. - Monster.
Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill
Every time you see this album in a used bin, it means that somewhere out there is a well-adjusted woman who was once an angsty 90s teen.
The Jerky Boys
It’s hard to imagine that hearing the same prank calls over and over again would get old, but it did.
Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Let’s Face It
Poor Mighty Mighty Bosstones. It really seemed like the world was ready to embrace ska for a second there in 1997. This album got a major label release and one of the songs was even used in the movies Krippendorf’s Tribe and Father’s Day. Remember those movies? (No? Well, check the used DVD bin.) But then the general public seemed to collectively turn around and say, “Nah, just kidding, we hate this pussy horn shit!”
Aerosmith - Get a Grip
It’s actually a wonderful thing to see this album in a used bin. It’s the exact same feeling you get when some homophobic shithead runs for President and loses. Get a Grip was the moment America finally sobered up and realized: Hey, Aerosmith fucking sucks.
Presidents of the United States of America - S/T
Three million copies. A song about a can of peaches sold three million copies.
Soundgarden - Superunknown
Dudes across America sold this album back to the store promptly after they looked down and realized they were were wearing choker chains and black nail polish.
Journey’s Greatest Hits
Hey, dummies. It says what songs are on this album right on the back of this thing. If you had taken two seconds to read it, you wouldn’t have to spent $13.99 for “Don’t Stop Believin’.” You can hear that song at pretty much any karaoke bar at all times everywhere always.
Guns N’ Roses - The Spaghetti Incident?
It’s totally fitting that this album has a question mark at the end of it because nobody is actually sure why they bought it in the first place.
No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom
The reason you see so many copies of Tragic Kingdom in bargain bins is directly proportional to how many women still walk around with belly shirts and JNCOs.
Jewel - Pieces of You
Who will save your soul for buying this album?
POD - Satellite
Legally, record stores are allowed to make you submit a written letter of apology if you try to sell this to them.
Dan Ozzi owns these albums and several hundred more. Contact him for prices or follow him on Twitter - @danozzi
The Weirdest Records of All Time
Featuring earthquake recordings, records pressed with diarrhea, and breastfeeding soundtracks.
Get Blazed and Make Some Custom Weed-Themed GIFs of Wiz Khalifa, Ty Dolla $ign, B.O.B. or Classified for 4/20
Are you high right now? Then you'll love making a GIF.
Todd Terje's "Leisure Suit Preben" Video Pays Tribute to Porny Video Games and It's Great
It's rare these days that a music video thoroughly captures the aesthetic of a musician while indulging the quirk necessary for potential virality or meme-fication.
I Was in a Coma and Now I'm a DJ
Meet DJ Disable.
420 Songs About Weed
Where in the World Can Migos Meet the Plug?
Including a womb, on the back of a dolphin in the middle of the ocean, and the set of 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'.
We Interviewed Ron Jeremy About His Perfect, Piano-Playing Penis
Ron Jeremy made a seven-inch about appreciating classical music where he plays "1812 Overture" with his schlong.
Chiraq Versus the World
Tragedy at home is familiar, and thus easier to ignore.
The Hottest Alt-Bros at Coachella
"Wait, is your cum gluten-free?"
A Canadian in Tokyo Made a Song Out of Japanese Suicide Statistics
"What if we lived in a society where all historical records were converted into a type of music and people in school would sit around and listen to it?"