The Infamous Marmot Biggie - An Investigation
If you're not one of the many people left homeless in America from what's been happening in the past couple of years, you probably still spend your every waking moment on the Internet shopping for shit you dont need. That's what I started doing early this winter when I was searching for the Marmot Mammoth, the jacket that the kids call the Biggie. The Biggie has enjoyed some less-than-flattering press in the past year or two when twice in the news kids in the Bronx were killed over their big-ass jackets. Then a couple weeks ago, another kid was in the Post for getting murked over his Biggie in the LES. Black kids get killed all the time in New York City and that shit is rarely in the news, but I guess when the media sees a chance to paint minority children as savages who care more about a status symbol that human life which, (let's be clear) is what we all are, their collective long-dead genitals start to stir.
If you didn't grow up Uptown or in the Bronx and you've never heard of this thing, it's not a big surprise. I grew up not even realizing the Biggie was even so regional and hadn't thought about Marmots in years until I started seeing a resurgence on the 1 Train of kids rocking their big-ass, bright-ass Merms. So, to fill the rest of you in, part of the mystique of the Biggie is that it comes in really bright colors (different ones every year), is sold exclusively through Paragon Sports, and retails for $630. That's right, six hundred and thirty fucking dollars. I copped the black one with gold on the inside, but now I feel weird rocking it unless I'm wearing some shoes I know I can run really fast in.
There's a lot of wild shit you can find on the Internet about this motherfucker if you have problems sleeping and nothing fucking better to do. For one, there's the "Reviews" section on the Paragon page, which will have a dude from Upstate being like, "I love this jacket. I wear it to all my son's soccer games!" and then someone named Yung Stone from 119th and Lexington who wrote TWO SEPERATE REVIEWS (you can tell he didn't just double-post because they're worded differently) talking about how he hopes they come out with electric blue to match the foamposites. Also pretty much every review is from a New Yorker telling you that if you're from New York you shouldn't cop one or you will be robbed.
On YouTube there's a dude from Washington Heights named Alacka Simon who's got a song over the "On to the Next One" beat called, ready? "On to the Next Biggie." At one point he's wearing TWO yellow Biggies at the same time (I see you baby). Also theres a video called "Vado Going Ham in a Blue Biggie" which is... something.
There's also a very confusing Facebook page dedicated to the Biggie where people seem to be trading mostly Biggies, Montclers, and Pelle Pelles. Half of these guys exclude crucial information like size or color; I got frustrated just imagining trying to coordinate any kind of real transaction with any one of these individuals.
Anyways the important thing I took away from all this is if I ever feel like I just can't take it anymore I can just put on my Biggie and come out the house with my iPad playing a GIF of hands throwing up gang signs and I'll be sure to promptly explode in a whirlwind of blood and goose down, and in the end isn't that what we all really want? Good night.
Lakutis is a male rapper. He's on Twitter - @LAKUTIS
We Interviewed Ron Jeremy About His Perfect, Piano-Playing Penis
Ron Jeremy made a seven-inch about appreciating classical music where he plays "1812 Overture" with his schlong.
Chiraq Versus the World
Tragedy at home is familiar, and thus easier to ignore.
The Hottest Alt-Bros at Coachella
"Wait, is your cum gluten-free?"
A Canadian in Tokyo Made a Song Out of Japanese Suicide Statistics
"What if we lived in a society where all historical records were converted into a type of music and people in school would sit around and listen to it?"
Pharoahe Monch: Stress Raps
One of the greatest technical rappers of all time speaks out about the record industry, the state of American healthcare, and that one time he ghostwrote for Diddy.
We Crashed Your Coachella Party
Life hack: You don’t actually have to go to Coachella to go to Coachella.
The Bros of Coachella
Coachella Day Two: Desert Storm Grilled Cheese
It is not Spring Break times a million
What I Learned About Style From Eve's "Who's That Girl"
The keys to being an anti-social bad bitch? Deadly animals, leather catsuits, and lava lamp print.
Former Miami Heat Star Rony Seikaly Is a Real DJ, and I Love Him
It turns out Rony Seikaly is as killer as a house DJ in the club as he is as a character in 'NBA Jam.'