Tara Palmer-Tomkinson Is A Singer NowBy Stuart Heritage
Quick history lesson: in the 1990s, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson existed. She was an ‘it-girl’, which meant that she was basically a Kim Kardashian whose daddy went to a good school. One day, she took so much cocaine that her nose fell off. After that she sort of disappeared.
But now, out of absolutely nowhere at all, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson is back. And this time she’s inexplicably reinvented herself as a female singer-songwriter. For reasons that nobody could ever possibly hope to grasp, Tara has released a piano ballad called "5 Seconds". The chorus goes “This heart will self-destruct in five seconds/ This girl will self-destruct one more time/ This heart is for the firing line”. If the heart is going to self-destruct, why bother standing in front of a firing line? How long do bullets take, less than five seconds right? What do you mean it's metaphorical? Wait, what? Where am I? Frankly, I expected more watertight logic from the debut song by a coke-ravaged aristocrat who’s never had a proper job.
Anyway, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson has made a video to accompany "5 Seconds". It’s very sweet, like a Day In The Life Of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. Here are the highlights:
The day starts with Tara Palmer-Tomkinson having lipgloss applied to her, so that she’ll be ready when the wave of paparazzi hits. Except nobody has taken a photograph of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson since 1998.
This is Kevin from Hunkz-4-Hire, Tara has mistaken him for a doctor and asked for the Smartie lodged in her ear canal last week to be located.
Tara takes a trip to a haunted forest to take her mind off her doctor's appointment. Thought I was going to say something about the hat right? Well screw you.
Annnd we're back to black-and-white. On a windowsill. Apropos of nothing. Be cool guys, this is how music videos work.
Ah, OK, fuck, now she's on a swing. Whee! Being an aristocrat is funzies!
And we're back with the doctor. Despite protestations that he is in fact from a casting agency and the only medical training he's had is chewing the earlobe of a Resusci Anne, Tara's gone back for a second appointment. Here he is making a vain attempt to eat the Smartie out of Tara’s ear canal. It doesn’t work.
And we're back to hat modeling. Considering the new nostrils she had fitted after her last ones fell off, are made out of egg cartons and chewing gum, they look pretty good, don’t you think?
"COME BACK, I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY PLANS FOR A MINIMAL TECHNO REMIX."
“Erm, it’s no good,” the doctor says during Tara’s third appointment of the day. “That Smartie isn’t going anywhere. Tell you what, come back tomorrow and I’ll have a go on it with a corkscrew.” Tara goes home for a nap. It’s been a long day, after all.
Follow Stuart on Twitter @StuHeritage
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