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Surviving The Impending Mayan Apocalypse With Lakutis

By Drew Millard

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As you know, the world is probably ending on Friday. It's the end of our current Mayan Epoch—a new world is about to begin and ours is going to be destroyed, and that's just science. But the thing we we don't exactly know how it's gonna happen. The universe might explode in some sorta reverse Big Bang brought on the by the impending planetary alignment, and we'll all be fucked. On the other hand, there might just be a bunch of explosions and then we have to rebuild civilization kinda like in The Road Warrior. The robots could take over. Or zombies. The point is, we just don't know. Yesterday, I got on the phone with the rapper Lakutis to try and determine the exact degree to which we were fucked, it turned out that he didn't realize the apocalypse was nigh. It's fine though, because he's a trained kickboxer. Read on to discover why you're gonna need some Uggs and a Samsung Galaxy Note 4.

Do you think the world's going to end on Friday?
No. Why should it?

Because that's the day the Mayans said it would. There's apparently a black hole that's gonna happen because the planets are going to align.
The Mayans knew what a black hole was?

Well, they were pretty certain that something bad was going to happen. But apparently they're aligning Friday.
I mean, it's all astrological. Do you think it'll amplify the radio signal blasting "Love Sosa" into space?

Yeah, definitely.
Good. It's important that all the aliens hear "Love Sosa."

I think if nothing else the planetary alignment will make people taller. Like stretch people out an inch or so.
Have you seen Prometheus? Like people are gonna be tall like Prometheus? I feel like that movie was kinda racist. The tall aliens are supposed to be Germany. They're just super pale and obviously European in the face. Agree or disagree?

Now that you mention it, agree.
They looked so cool. Like nine feet tall and all strong and shit. That was the best scene in that whole movie. I'm googling "Mayan Apocalypse" right now. There are extreme bunkers. I guess I'll read about that after we finish.

If you were going to prepare for the end of the world, how would you do it?
I'd probably play "Love Sosa" like a million times so after the apocalypse I'd remember it perfectly and in like forty years when I was at a campfire full of ragged apocalypse-children I could play "Love Sosa" on acoustic guitar. It's gonna live on. Hold on, somebody's texting me. Yo, you know what I bought? The Galaxy Note 2. It's mad big, B. It's like 45 inches. It's like a mini tablet. Smaller than an iPad mini. It's bigger than any phone. It's good cuz I gchat mostly on my phone and now I can switch between English and Russian and all this cool shit. And I can make the keyboard smaller if I can only type with one hand.

What items would you take with you into the apocalypse to help survive?
Blu-Ray, Galaxy Note 2, Versace sunglasses, boat shoes, Uggs. Either Uggs or boat shoes because you don't need socks.

Would you take weapons?
I'm good at shooting a bow, but a bow would wear out. So maybe not a bow, but I'd take the things I need to make a bow so I could have infinite bows. And whatever you need to make Versace sunglasses. You teach a man to fish, y'know?

What will the natural resources be in the next world?
Probably Versace sunglasses, Blu-Ray, and boat shoes. Do you watch Walking Dead?

I've seen it.
There's Versace sunglasses everywhere. Because everybody's dead, y'know? All the zombies are stuntin' with Versace sunglasses.

Is the next world going to have zombies in it?
I hate that shit. I don't like zombie shit. I like post-apocalyptic shit, but I don't get the fascination with zombies.

Why is that?
There's so much zombie media, and I feel like it's disproportionate to how interesting it is. A lot of the media I'm ingesting is post-apocalyptic. You watch Adventure Time? The first season is about a boy and his dog in this crazy world, and at first they only alluded to the fact that there was an apocalypse, but later it becomes more clear.

Do you have any defense skills besides bows?
I went to a shooting range on tour with Despot and I knew I'd be nasty at that because I'm nice at Duck Hunt. I did kickboxing for a while in Thailand. I went to Thailand for three months a couple years ago to study kickboxing. I quit smoking and drinking because I want to start training again. But then I went to China and did a lot of smoking and drinking with Heems. But now I'm back on the wagon.

 

When the apocalypse comes, Drew Millard is fucked. Until then, he's on Twitter - @drewmillard

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