This article originally appeared on Noisey UK.Sometimes you think progress is happening in the world. That there’s not going to be another Tory Government, another series of New Tricks, or a horrifying novelty rap song starring Paul McCartney and a children’s choir asking people to sign an online petition. Then you realize that nothing has changed and the world is spinning backwards and oh god we suppose you better watch it.
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Yes we know. It's a lot to take in. Here are some caps lock hot takes that we wrote with our faces buried in our hands (it made typing really difficult).- THE BIT WHERE JAMIE IS EXPLAINING HOW THIS CAME TOGETHER AND PRETENDS HIM AND ED SHEERAN WERE JUST BATTING IDEAS AROUND “AND THEN HE ONLY WENT AND WROTE AN ANTHEM” AS IF THIS WASN’T PLANNED FOR 18 MONTHS BY HUNDREDS OF AGENTS AND THREE DIFFERENT PR AGENCIES.- THAT THE OPENING LINE IS LITERALLY “MY NAME’S JAMIE OLIVER AND I’M HERE TO SAY” EVEN THOUGH THAT IS THE RAP EQUIVALENT OF STARTING A NOVEL “ONCE UPON A TIME” AND ALSO THERE ARE TOO MANY SYLLABLES IN JAMIE OLIVER SO WE’RE OFF TO A BAD START.
- WHEN PROFESSOR GREEN SAYS “DON’T GIVE UP THE DAY JOB JAMIE” AND THEN WAITS A BIT AND THEN SAYS “I’M ONLY JOKING” BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS GIVING A PIECE OF GENUINE ADVICE.- THE INCORRECT ASSERTION THAT HALF THE WORLD’S POPULATION DIES FROM BEING OBESE. IMAGINE IF THAT WAS TRUE, GRAVEYARDS WOULD HAVE TO BE THE SIZE OF BASINGSTOKE.- THE BIT WHERE THEY WENT, “THIS IS A RAP, I GUESS WE’RE GONNA NEED SOME RAPPERS. ANYONE KNOW ANY RAPPERS? OH YEAH I KNOW: JAZZIE B AND ALESHA DIXON.”- AND THEN THE BIT WHERE THEY WERE LIKE “OH, BUT WHAT IF JAMIE’S TARGET AUDIENCE OF SHY TORIES AND PEOPLE WHO CALL THINGS ‘LUSH’ DON’T KNOW WHO JAZZIE B IS? LET’S GET JAMIE TICKING HIM OFF A NON-EXISTENT LIST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.”
- THE IDEA IMPLICIT IN THAT LIST THAT THE PEOPLE APPEARING IN THIS MUSIC VIDEO WERE ALL JAMIE’S FIRST CHOICES, LIKE HE WAS GOING, “WE’VE GOT TO GET JACKMAN TO DO A RAP!” RATHER THAN LITERALLY ANYONE WHO WAS AVAILABLE.
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- THE BIT WHERE ALESHA DIXON TRIES TO FIT “DON’T RELY ON THE GOVERNMENT” INTO HALF A BAR.- WHEN THIS DECK SHOT RE-ENTERS A MUSIC VIDEO FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2002.
- WHAT IF ONE OF THESE PEOPLE DIED TOMORROW AND THIS WAS THE LAST THING ON THEIR IMDB PAGE. PAUL MCCARTNETY: THE BEATLES, WINGS, LIVE AID, THE OLYMPICS, KANYE, #FOODREVOLUTIONDAY.- LIKE, IF THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY FUNDED THE RETURN OF CHANNEL U THIS WOULD BE THE ONLY VIDEO ON IT.- HAVING TO GOOGLE IMAGE JAMIE OLIVER- THE BIT WHERE HUGH JACKMAN DOESN’T KNOW HOW HEADPHONES GO.
- THE FACT THAT A SUPPOSEDLY POLITICAL SONG THAT “CAMPAIGNS” FOR PEOPLE TO EAT BETTER BUT DOESN’T MENTION OH I DON’T KNOW THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE LIVING OFF FOOD BANKS.- ALL THOSE POOR, POOR CHILDREN THEY SINGLED OUT TO DRESS UP IN VEGETABLE COSTUMES AS IF BEING IN A RAP VIDEO ALONGSIDE ED SHEERAN WASN'T BAD ENOUGH- THE BIT WHERE ED SHEERAN WOULD RATHER BE ON TINDER
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- WHEN PROFESSOR GREEN SAYS “DON’T GIVE UP THE DAY JOB JAMIE” AND THEN WAITS A BIT AND THEN SAYS “I’M ONLY JOKING” BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS GIVING A PIECE OF GENUINE ADVICE.- THE INCORRECT ASSERTION THAT HALF THE WORLD’S POPULATION DIES FROM BEING OBESE. IMAGINE IF THAT WAS TRUE, GRAVEYARDS WOULD HAVE TO BE THE SIZE OF BASINGSTOKE.- THE BIT WHERE THEY WENT, “THIS IS A RAP, I GUESS WE’RE GONNA NEED SOME RAPPERS. ANYONE KNOW ANY RAPPERS? OH YEAH I KNOW: JAZZIE B AND ALESHA DIXON.”- AND THEN THE BIT WHERE THEY WERE LIKE “OH, BUT WHAT IF JAMIE’S TARGET AUDIENCE OF SHY TORIES AND PEOPLE WHO CALL THINGS ‘LUSH’ DON’T KNOW WHO JAZZIE B IS? LET’S GET JAMIE TICKING HIM OFF A NON-EXISTENT LIST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.”
- THE IDEA IMPLICIT IN THAT LIST THAT THE PEOPLE APPEARING IN THIS MUSIC VIDEO WERE ALL JAMIE’S FIRST CHOICES, LIKE HE WAS GOING, “WE’VE GOT TO GET JACKMAN TO DO A RAP!” RATHER THAN LITERALLY ANYONE WHO WAS AVAILABLE.- THE BIT WHERE ALESHA DIXON TRIES TO FIT “DON’T RELY ON THE GOVERNMENT” INTO HALF A BAR.- WHEN THIS DECK SHOT RE-ENTERS A MUSIC VIDEO FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2002.
