Features

Why Did Solange Attack Jay Z In an Elevator? An Investigation

By Drew Millard and Slava Pastuk

0

Every day, tens of thousands of things happen. Maybe even more! But today, something special happened: video footage surfaced of Jay Z being attacked in an elevator at the Met Ball by his sister-in-law Solange, while his wife Beyoncé remained relatively passive. The couple ended up leaving the event in separate vehicles, but were spotted being unamused by Jake Gyllenhaal at a basketball game the other night.

Given this footage, it seems that Jay and Beyoncé's storybook listsicle of a romance might be less of a storybook listsicle of a romance and more of a living, breathing thing with its high highs and low lows, just like everyone else's relationships. Why was Jay Z being attacked by Solange in an elevator at the Met Ball? We put our heads together and came up with some theories.

- There was a swarm of bees attacking Jay Z. Solange was trying to beat the shit out of the bees, not Hova.
- Upon their arrival at the Met Ball, Solange discovered that what she had previously believed to be a lint clump on Jay's jacket was actually a small microphone planted by the CIA to expose Jay Z as a domestic terrorist. Due to Jay Z's sudden refusal to ever use lint rollers again, it eluded detection. Once in the elevator, Jay began to outline his plan for world domination, prompting Solange to swat away in the hopes of causing enough static to protect the family.

 - Solange is like, three weeks behind on Game of Thrones, and Jay Z accidentally let a bunch of spoilers slip in conversation.
- Solange is secretly super into the majestic sport of lacrosse.
- In an attempt to befriend her sister's husband even further, Solange auditions to become a UFC fighter, managed by Roc Nation Sports.

- To ascend within the ranks of the Illuminati, you must defeat the reigning member in hand to hand combat.
- This is just what every family does, don't be stupid, you're the weird one here.
- Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
- Jay Z was mansplaining Vox to Solange.
- Continuing with their disruption of industry norms, this is actually a music video.
- Jay Z's new cologne smells like targets.

- This was a calculated move on the part of Carter-Knowles Holdings, LLC to increase brand recognition and engage with consumers on a variety of social platforms.
- Solange got tired of Jay yelling "It's ya boy!" whenever he walked into a room.
- Jay Z asked Solange to explain how Twitter works for like, the thousandth time.

- Solange is a trendsetter, and as such, was teaching Jay a new dance.
- Oh, I don't know, why does anyone do anything?
- Jay Z's actually kind of a weaselly dick, and when you do weaselly dick shit, sometimes your wife's sister attacks you in an elevator.

Drew Millard and Slava Pastuk are contemporary adults and full-time Noisey employees. They're on Twitter - @drewmillard | @SlavaP

Want more?

QUIZ: How Music Are You

On the Strange Beauty of French Montana and Khloe Kardashian's Relationship

What I Learned from Hearing Pitbull Speak at a Tech Conference

Comments

Let's Be Friends