Sexting on Tour: A How-To Guide

I’m a professional groupie. You didn’t think those people existed anymore, did you? Well, we do and we're taking back the term like riot grrrls did with the word “slut” in the 90s. Being a modern groupie means that I spend a lot of time sexting with the touring musicians I'm courting to get them all hot and bothered to play my city. Once you've found someone who's not only physically attractive but also matches your mind in wit and charm, sexting is one of the best ways to pass the time you're physically apart. From me to you, here's a sexting how-to.

Sexting is what you do when you can’t actually fuck someone because you're not in the same city, in the same room, or in the same van. It is assumed by both parties that the things you sext are things you would do in real life, so do not sext things you wouldn't do in real life. Sexting is about creating fantasy and having fun (and being stupid), but there has to be some reality to your back-and-forth. In other words, talk the talk if you can walk the walk or whatever. If you can’t deep throat, don’t promise it. Nobody likes to be disappointed.

If you're one of those people who plans to have a career in politics some day, you might not want to be sexting naked photos of yourself that include both your face and your body. Just put the iPhone in front of your face when you capture the reflection of your body from the full length mirror in the punk house bathroom. Duh. If you don't give a shit who sees what part of you, include your face and your naked body. It’s really nice to receive a naked photo that isn’t just a dick popping up from the bottom of the frame on top of a Motel 6 signature bedspread. (That’s another thing, if you are going to send a dick pic from a Motel 6, pull back that ugly multi-colored bedspread first. I don’t need to know you are at a fucking Motel 6, man. I mean, how did you even manage to send me that photo? The WiFi at Motel 6 is weak.)

If you are wasted, just don’t sext. It’s not classy. The chances of you sexting the wrong person in your contacts list (or worse yet, accidentally sexting the 212-12 straight-to-Twitter number) are higher than normal, and it’s really hard to retract sexts. If you are high on downers, do not sext. It will take you four times the power to get a sentence out before your eye lids start to close and your ability to be witty, charming, and sexy is out the window. You are allowed to sext if you are on uppers, but type the sext out, wait five minutes (I know, I know, that’s like an hour in uppers time), and then send.

When Snapchat came out, everyone was like, “Wow! Perfect! Three second boob shots! Sex snaps!”—or, you know, boring videos of your cat playing a string. (Your cat is not cute. Your cat is annoying and if I had the choice between a chicken or your cat, I’d eat your fucking cat just to make sure you never sent me another video of your dumb cat again.) Then, a few weeks ago, information surfaced warning the world that Snapchats are actually SAVED on the reciever's phone. You can find that shit if you possess the Internet savvy to do so…though most of us do not. But if you're Snapchatting your exposed vagina to a potential computer genius, be aware that he may be able to pull up that 10 second video of a bottle in your cunt and post it all over Facebook. That’s the world we live in now.

Whether you're sexting crazy fisting requests or not, you should always lock your phone. Leaving your phone unlocked is like taking a shit with the door open at a party.

“Cock” and “dick” are okay. “Member” is not (unless you are a really hot gay guy). “Pussy” always works. If you're a straight guy, you are not allowed to use the word “panties.” “Vagina” is too clinical, so only use it if you intend to “murder [her] vagina” (á la Amanda Bynes). “Tits” over “boobs” always. Something about the word “cunt” never sits well in a text. It’s better said out loud. (Sidenote: The word “tummy” or “belly” can make the receiver feel fat. Always say “stomach.”)

Above all things, when sexting, you've got to live by the Bob Dylan rule: "Don’t think twice, it’s alright." Because, really, it is. No matter what you say or what you do, this person is obviously already thinking about you naked and getting off on it, so there isn’t too much you can sext to obstruct that. Just use your intuition, text with your heart and your libido. We all have this wonderful thing within ourselves called "judgment." Use it.