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Notorious R.O.B.'s 10 Crack Commandments

Rob Ford probably looked to Biggie Smalls as a blueprint for how to properly handle crack cocaine while still having some semblance of a normal life.

The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, smokes crack cocaine. After months of questions and allegations, he came out and admitted to smoking the substance a year ago while in a drunken stupor. This is stunning for so many reasons, and not for the fact that Toronto's mayor hasn't moved on to a more fashionable drug like Molly, choosing instead to hang out in basements with Ethiopians while pretending to star in his own New Jack City remake. Also, there's the issue of him not remembering when exactly he smoked it, due to the fact that he frequently gets so drunk that doing hard drugs doesn't register as exceedingly memorable to him. What he does know is that it was roughly a year ago (he's been mayor since 2010) and that he's not addicted. This is a sensitive time for us Torontonians, so we ask you to kindly save your Jay Z, "Tom Ford (Remix)" jokes from unsuspecting Twitter timelines everywhere.

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We're not proud that we (or, more accurately, our parents) voted this blundering behemoth into office, but now that the facts are coming to light publicly, the least we can do is laugh at it together.

Undoubtedly, the biggest question that revolves around RoFo is: how did he manage to not lose any weight in spite of his hobby? The only other big-boned entity to ever be so deeply ingrained in the crack game was Biggie Smalls. Therefore, it stands to reason that Rob Ford probably looked to Big as a blueprint for how to properly handle crack cocaine while still having some semblance of a normal life. And while the police case is still pending and all the evidence has yet to be revealed, it's rumored that Ford created his own set of Ten Crack Commandments, modeled loosely after the Notorious B.I.G. song. We've managed to obtain a copy and have provided the necessary footnotes for non-Torontonians to better understand.

1. Never let no one know how much debt the city holds.
Rob Ford is all about slashing taxes and services so the common man can have more money in his pocket. This is validated by pointing to the city's yearly budget deficit at the start of the year and acting on it. Then at the end of the year—when it's shown that the city has a surplus due to only some of the budget being allocated—the mayor proclaims victory while taking credit for something that would've happened naturally. Fun fact: it's illegal for the City of Toronto to ever be in debt, so Rob is safer smoking crack-cocaine than mismanaging funds.

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2. Never let 'em know your next move.
In May, Rob denied allegations that he smoked crack cocaine by using verbal jujitsu. Now, out of nowhere, he's decided to come clean and fess up. Nobody knows why he decided to do so today, but it may have something to do with the fact that the evidence collected by police will soon be made public.

3. Never trust nobody that you didn't play football with.
All of Rob's former football buddies hold positions of power in city hall. David Price, the city's logistics manager, was a former coach; Doug Ford, Rob's brother, was also involved in high school football. In fact, the only football related personalities that haven't benefited from Rob being mayor are the players—to whom he allegedly referred with some choice racist slurs during the video in question.

4. Never get high, in somebody else's ward.
The video was filmed at 15 Windsor Rd., which falls into Ward 2 in Toronto's municipality division. Ward 2 was formerly led by Rob Ford, but is now under the control of his brother Doug. This just goes to prove that if you're going to do something illegal, do it somewhere that people respect you.

5. Never smoke no crack where a camera phone rests at.
It may never be known who exactly took the video (since they're probably dead) but there's a lesson to be learned. Before smoking crack-cocaine, make sure that everyone present drops their phones into a cigar box before hand, Sons of Anarchy style.

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6. That God damn reddit, dead it.
One of the biggest igniters for the scandal were Twitter and the Toronto community in Reddit. The local page boasts one of the most active communities on the website—second only to New York. It's a forum where a majority of the smaller news websites of Toronto get their information and has been responsible for breaking news first and organizing mailing campaigns and protests. Rob Ford doesn't strike me as a redditor, but had he known about the page he may have been able to plan his moves more carefully.

7. Keep your family and business closely entwined.
Go read this story about Rob Ford's family drama surrounding drug dealing, violence, and the KKK. It's enough to fill an entire season of Maury.

8. Keep all weight on you.
Hahaha. Cause he's fat!

9. If you ain’t getting bags stay the fuck from police chiefs.
After Toronto's Police Chief announced that they were in possession of the tape, Doug Ford demanded that the Chief step down due to his "bias" against the mayor. By this logic, next time you get a parking ticket you can appeal it due to the arresting officer being "bias" against people parked illegally.

10. A strong word called conspiracy. If they ain’t got the evidence, deny everything.
When someone doesn't have any hard evidence, saying that you "do not use crack cocaine" is a smart move because a.) it implies innocence, and b.) can be upheld even in the face of evidence proclaiming the opposite. Admitting that you've used it doesn't mean that you're currently using it. Same goes for the phrase "I am not addicted to crack cocaine." Until there's evidence, everything is hearsay. Rob knew this, and now that the evidence is about to come forward, his initial remarks stay true.

With our luck, this will be the year the Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, only to have that be the second most talked about event from Toronto (well, besides Drake). If he wasn't a crackhead, Rob Ford would be a very admirable super villain. Not the villain Toronto needs right now, but the one it deserves.

Slava P is a writer from Toronto who only drinks when he's smoking crack. Find him on Twitter@SlavaP