Reviews
Rihanna's "Unapologetic" Makes Me Want To Defenstrate The Shit Out Of Eminem
By The Kid Mero
YO AM I ONLY THE ONE THAT THINKS RIHANNA WRITES SONGS AND THEN PASTES THEM IN MS WORD AND EDITS THE SHIT LIKE *REPLACE "A" WITH "FUCK"* SO IT SOUNDS MORE "SHOCKING"??? "FRESH OFF THE RUNWAY" IS A FUCKIN TERRIBLE SONG B HOLY SHIT. I GOTTA ADMIT THAT RIHANNA PUBLIC IMAGE IS CAUSING ME TO BE A LITTLE BIASED ABOUT THIS SHIT. CHRIS BROWN'S ASSHOLE JUICE IS PERMEATING THIS ALBUM BRUH. ALSO EMINEM IS ON THE ALBUM WHICH CAUSES ME TO POSIT THIS NEXT QUERY B...WHY THE FUCK ARE NIGGAS PUTTING EMINEM ON SONGS IN 2012? THAT NIGGA IS THE WORST EVER B. WHO IS SETTING UP THESE COLLABORATIONS MY NIGGA AND WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FRIGHTEN WITH THAT NASAL GROWL? IF I WAS RICH AND IN THE SAME ARENA AS EMINEM I PROMISE I WOULD DEFENESTRATE THE SHIT OUT THAT NIGGA MAN. RIHANNA CAN SING HER ASS OFF BUT MA WHY YOU SINGIN BOUT STRIPPERS? ARE YOU YO GOTTI? WHO WROTE THESE SONGS B? T-PAIN? THROW IT UP THROW IT UP POUR IT UP POUR IT UP MA PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT. SOMEBODY GOT A CHECK TO WRITE THAT SHIT. SEND ME A CHECK NIGGA! I'LL WRITE THE SHIT OUTTA SONGS. HERE'S A FREE ONE "NIGGA IM DRUNK, NIGGA I'M HIGH, NIGGA I'M RICH IM BALLIN LIKE BALLIN WOOOP AAAAAYYYY" *GOES PLATINUM*
...THE ONLY POSITIVE TO THIS IS THAT IF YOU ARE A DJ AND NEED A ROOM FULL OF YOUNG WOMEN TO JUMP OUTTA THEY SEATS IN UNISON AND START ACTING SALACIOUS YOU CAN THROW ON ANYTHING ON THIS ALBUM PRETTY MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE EMINEM SHIT BECAUSE EMINEM IS FUCKING CORNY. THIS IS THE BACKGROUND MUSIC TO THE PART OF THE MOVIE WHERE A FLOCK OF COLLEGIATE FEMALES ARE PUTTING ON "SMOKY EYE" MAKEUP AND HIGH FIVING EACHOTHER WHILE DRINKING YELLOWTAIL.
I GIVE THIS 2 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUTTA 5 BECAUSE THERE'S AN UNINTELLIGIBLE FUTURE VERSE ON HERE WHICH IS WASSUP.
STANDOUT TRACK: "LOST IN PARADISE" JUST KIDDING THAT SHIT SUCKS IT SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKIN TOYOTA NIKE IPOD COMMERCIAL DUBSTEP REMIX.
ACTUAL STANDOUT TRACK: "LOVEEEEEE SONG" IS STRAIGHT BLOWJOB MUZIK BRUH YOUR WELCOME. SHOUTOUT TO FUTURE FOR DOIN SOME WEIRD VOCAL INFLECTION THAT SOUNDS LIKE HE STUCK HIS TOOTHBRUSH TOO FAR BACK INTO HIS MOUTH. OOHUGH-UGH-UGH
The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews. Follow him on Twitter--@THEKIDMERO.
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Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
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Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
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Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
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Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
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Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
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R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
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The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
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I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
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Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
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Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
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