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Rihanna's "Unapologetic" Makes Me Want To Defenstrate The Shit Out Of Eminem

By The Kid Mero

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YO AM I ONLY THE ONE THAT THINKS RIHANNA WRITES SONGS AND THEN PASTES THEM IN MS WORD AND EDITS THE SHIT LIKE *REPLACE "A" WITH "FUCK"* SO IT SOUNDS MORE "SHOCKING"??? "FRESH OFF THE RUNWAY" IS A FUCKIN TERRIBLE SONG B HOLY SHIT. I GOTTA ADMIT THAT RIHANNA PUBLIC IMAGE IS CAUSING ME TO BE A LITTLE BIASED ABOUT THIS SHIT. CHRIS BROWN'S ASSHOLE JUICE IS PERMEATING THIS ALBUM BRUH. ALSO EMINEM IS ON THE ALBUM WHICH CAUSES ME TO POSIT THIS NEXT QUERY B...WHY THE FUCK ARE NIGGAS PUTTING EMINEM ON SONGS IN 2012? THAT NIGGA IS THE WORST EVER B. WHO IS SETTING UP THESE COLLABORATIONS MY NIGGA AND WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FRIGHTEN WITH THAT NASAL GROWL? IF I WAS RICH AND IN THE SAME ARENA AS EMINEM I PROMISE I WOULD DEFENESTRATE THE SHIT OUT THAT NIGGA MAN. RIHANNA CAN SING HER ASS OFF BUT MA WHY YOU SINGIN BOUT STRIPPERS? ARE YOU YO GOTTI? WHO WROTE THESE SONGS B? T-PAIN? THROW IT UP THROW IT UP POUR IT UP POUR IT UP MA PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT. SOMEBODY GOT A CHECK TO WRITE THAT SHIT. SEND ME A CHECK NIGGA! I'LL WRITE THE SHIT OUTTA SONGS. HERE'S A FREE ONE "NIGGA IM DRUNK, NIGGA I'M HIGH, NIGGA I'M RICH IM BALLIN LIKE BALLIN WOOOP AAAAAYYYY" *GOES PLATINUM*

...THE ONLY POSITIVE TO THIS IS THAT IF YOU ARE A DJ AND NEED A ROOM FULL OF YOUNG WOMEN TO JUMP OUTTA THEY SEATS IN UNISON AND START ACTING SALACIOUS YOU CAN THROW ON ANYTHING ON THIS ALBUM PRETTY MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE EMINEM SHIT BECAUSE EMINEM IS FUCKING CORNY. THIS IS THE BACKGROUND MUSIC TO THE PART OF THE MOVIE WHERE A FLOCK OF COLLEGIATE FEMALES ARE PUTTING ON "SMOKY EYE" MAKEUP AND HIGH FIVING EACHOTHER WHILE DRINKING YELLOWTAIL.

I GIVE THIS 2 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUTTA 5 BECAUSE THERE'S AN UNINTELLIGIBLE FUTURE VERSE ON HERE WHICH IS WASSUP.

STANDOUT TRACK: "LOST IN PARADISE" JUST KIDDING THAT SHIT SUCKS IT SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKIN TOYOTA NIKE IPOD COMMERCIAL DUBSTEP REMIX.

ACTUAL STANDOUT TRACK: "LOVEEEEEE SONG" IS STRAIGHT BLOWJOB MUZIK BRUH YOUR WELCOME. SHOUTOUT TO FUTURE FOR DOIN SOME WEIRD VOCAL INFLECTION THAT SOUNDS LIKE HE STUCK HIS TOOTHBRUSH TOO FAR BACK INTO HIS MOUTH. OOHUGH-UGH-UGH

The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews. Follow him on Twitter--@THEKIDMERO.

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