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Music

How to Do Portland's MusicFest NW In Style: The Advanced Studies Guide

Portland's MusicFest NW is the neatest, cleanest, safest, most polite music festival you'll see all summer.

All photos by Little Green Eyes Media

When I think of rock 'n' roll festivals, I think of piercing speakers, debauchery, drugs, thievery, and sometimes violence. The conditions are typically unbearable as the filth rises over your shoes as each day passes. That, plus the usual price-gouging and the oppressive heat, will usually keep me away from the event all together. We all remember the tragedy that was Lollapalooza with the $10 water and heat-stoke victims. Seriously, no fucking thank you. As day two of this year's MusicFest NW drew to a close, it was clear that this festival had none of these pitfalls…arguably to a fault.

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Cleanliness

This is the cleanest fucking festival that has ever been. Hell, this is the cleanest strip of land in all of Portland, Oregon. A team of folks in blue t-shirts with those plastic grabby-claws were everywhere. They were on that shit. The very second a wrapper or a napkin dared flutter to the ground, they were there. You did not see a speck of trash anywhere in the fenced in venue. Port-a-potties? Immaculate. I cornered several of these blue angels and asked them if they had to clean up anything super-gross so far. They all unanimously responded that everyone had been completely courteous with all of their waste. C'mon Portland, really? Not even one explosive diarrhea story? I'm disappointed.

Safety

Not only were there plenty of police and security guards present, a team of gang-prevention officers were on the scene. I'm not sure if MFNW was necessarily the top pick of venues for gangs to choose to flex, but I'm sure their presence was comforting to someone. Maybe the numerous soccer moms. I asked all of the above if they saw any shit. None. No one. The most trouble they encountered was a gentleman who kept waving an orange pool noodle around that people complained was blocking their view. It was reported that when approached, the guy gladly stowed his noodle for the duration of the day. I asked the security If they were bored or maybe felt useless? The general consensus was that they were enjoying the music.

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Alcohol

So where there's alcohol, there's potential problems. There's down-time. It's boring. That's where booze comes in. Drunken fights, rushing the stage, domestic disputes, passing out… all these things are possible. I walked up and down the entire festival, asking each person there dispensing any form of adult beverage if they saw anything weird. None. From anyone. One girl mentioned seeing the pool noodle incident. She said that was pretty wild. No one had to be cut off. No one was an asshole. As someone who has worked as a bartender for years, I find this really fucking hard to believe.

Music

All the bands performed on time, without a hitch, and sounded great. No singer appeared visibly intoxicated, no temper tantrums, no jumping in to the crowd and punching an audience member. All the sound for all bands was perfectly mixed, at all the perfect levels and at the perfect volume. Not too loud, not too low. All spectators were standing watching the bands in polite consideration of each other, sometimes dancing but maintaining and respecting personal space. Are you falling asleep yet?

Naps

Most people would think falling asleep on the ground at music festival would be crazy. Bananas. Not the case here. Everywhere you looked people would be out in the open, sleeping. No fear of wallets getting stolen, purses being rifled through or your vulnerable person and/or genitals being molested. To be clear, there were an inordinate amount of people napping. Like it was a damned old-folks home or perhaps Jonestown. To confirm the safety if this, I checked in with the personnel at the lost and found center. No stolen wallets. No stolen handbags. Nothing.

Child safety

The festival is all ages, however some parents may have concerns about bringing children due to the unpredictability of the surroundings of the event. Not a concern here! Kids everywhere from newborn to teen. You, the concert goer might imagine that they will be screaming, crying, running wild. Nope, they are as subdued as the event. Many of them falling asleep.

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Drug use

C'mon, what do you think? The festival that is appropriate for the entire family, with people sleeping in mass numbers out in the open surprisingly had no visible drug usage. I didn't even smell weed here. Not even a little bit. This may be the first time I've ever seen a band play without the presence of weed smoke since I saw a Christian band play at a church wedding reception… and I'm pretty sure I smelled it even then.

Unusual Events

On day one at about 7 PM a plane began sky writing directly over the festival. There were two practice capital M's that appeared just west of the waterfront. The plane then flew directly overhead and drew a square O or 0. The crowd stopped what they were doing to watch this formation. Then, to the left of the first character, an M was made. MO. Many on the ground were speculating that it would be a marriage proposal that was botched. The plane darted around after that for some time, lost or confused. (Shit, can you imagine how hard that fucking job is?) MO hung in the air as the entire festival had their faces turned to the sky in anticipation as to what it meant. Milo Greene was on stage at the time and noticed the crowd's shift in attention, quipping that the plane they hired on discount forgot the I and L. Eventually an R and an E appeared next to the already dissipating M and O. There it stayed. More. More what? More rock? More music? More money? The crowd eventually broke apart, scratching their heads in confusion. What did it all mean?

Turns out, local ice cream company Cool Moon hired the plane to write "More Cool Moon" ending in a smiley face that stretched across the entire city of Portland's sky as part of a promotion. All we could see from MFNW was the beginning of the message, leaving the hundreds of concert-goers confounded and speculating conspiracy theories. Turns out aliens were not trying to communicate with us. Simply a local business trying to sell their wares.Nothing to see here.

They say Portland is the most polite city on the West Coast. If its largest music festival is any indication, I'd say that statement is pretty damned accurate. It's a festival where grandma can come and dance, babies can take their afternoon naps, people drink responsibly and where concert-goers respect others and their environment.