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Music

How to Do Portland's MusicFest NW In Style: An Expert's Guide

The Portland music festival is a world of fun if you play your cards right.

Misterwives, all photos by Little Green Eyes Media

It only happens once a year. You scour the lineup and decide which days you want to go to. Maybe if you're lucky you can go to all three. How do you ensure you're going to have the best time possible? You spent your hard-earned money on that wristband, dammit! Relax, fair reader. I quite literally squatted in trenches of dirt to bring you the ultimate list of how to do Portland's MusicFest NW in comfort and style.

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FASHION

One of the most important aspects of your time at any music fest is your appearance. Did you pick the best crop top with the cutest floral headband? Do you stand out from the crowd? Are your shades the right color of neon? Is your hair the right tint of lavender? All of these things matter. They matter more than the music. You are literally there to be seen, judged, and, in turn, for you to judge others. Does your look make a statement? Will you Instagram well? Make sure you take all this into consideration when styling yourself for this event. Keep in mind, however, that it is hot. If you choose to wear the thigh-high fur leggings, make sure you offset the look with a bra and panty. Bring plenty of sunblock to smear on all the pasty, Northwest skin you'll have exposed. Remember, there's not one but four different photo booths set up to use to post on Facebook so ensure you are on point.

Water

Staying hydrated is important. It's a hot one this year, and the festival is mostly in direct sunlight. They allow you to bring in two, factory-sealed bottles of water. That means the seal can't be broken. You know, so you can't bring boozes in. Once inside the venue, you can refill your water as much as you want at the provided water station. What if I told you that you could easily fill a water bottle full of vodka, and it could appear factory-sealed? What if I told you all it takes is taking the top of a bottle, draining it, cutting the ring off, then boiling the top of an unopened bottle of water until the plastic expands, slipping the top and ring off, letting it cool and slipping it on to another bottle? Confused? Of course. Chemistry is hard. Click [here](http://www.myboozecruise.com/how-to-sneak-alcohol-into-a-concert-easy-step- step/) for a more detailed instruction. Hydration is important. Getting drunk for less than $8 a shot is also important. I mean, they allow you two bottles…

Food

The food at MFNW is actually pretty good. It's provided by local food trucks from around the city of Portland. Perfect for soaking up those $8 beers so you can continue to drink some more. Because we all know that live music only sounds good when you're drunk. Unfortunately, you probably can't have any of it because you need to fit into those high waist short shorts you bought specifically for the fest. Luckily for you there are some free samples to sustain you, as well as unlimited water. If you're a disgusting fat-ass that actually wants to be seen eating actual food know that this must be done standing. Remember to try to look sexy while eating. You are being watched and judged. Press cameras are everywhere. I recommend choosing phallus-shaped foods such as hot dogs or fries. Try eating them slowly while locking eyes with that hottie with the fanny-pack who's wearing it completely unironically.

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Atmosphere

It's important to know what to expect when entering the festival. Anticipate heat, loud noises, crowds, hippies, smells, dirt, insects, assholes, hippies, lines, port-o-potties, sitting in dirt, and also hippies. You can bring a blanket to spread out so you're squatting more in style. It's either that or you can try and eat over some fetid trash can. You choose! Also, beware. Hippies may swarm and try and share your blanket. They may also try and share your tobacco, weed, alcohol, wallet, even your $12 burrito. Don't trust hippies. They are the locusts of our generation.

Free stuff

While you're killing time between bands, you can roam the various booths and vendors. Most have free stuff to give away, sweet swag you will have nowhere to put because you didn't bring any kind of bag, as well as food samples you felt guilted into taking by the cherub-cheeked volunteer. Admit it, you didn't have enough Tillamook carpenter pencils around your house, and now the search is finally over. Look! Bad, plastic sunglasses! Pamphlets to immediately drop on the ground or, if you're less of a piece of shit, in a trash can! Buttons! Literally the opposite of the culture from whence they came! Plastic shot glasses! I know your cabinet needs more of those. All ripe for the plucking!

Crowds

Mentally prepare for some shirtless tool to rub their sweat on you as they senselessly jump up and down right fucking next to you. Like that's not even weird. You will get your foot ran over by strollers, because duh…why wouldn't I bring a new-born here? Be prepared to get a mouth-full of product-infused hair by the 20-something in front of you whipping her ombre back and forth. But hey, that's why you're here, right? For the experience. There will be lines for everything. Thank God the event goes all day, so you really have nothing better to do besides wait in line for 15 minutes in the sun to piss in a warm, ripe Honey Bucket. Maybe you'll meet a cutie in cargo shorts reeking of Axe to make out with right as the headlining band plays their radio hit? You know, the one you've been waiting to hear all day and the reason you bought the ticket? Who knows? The possibilities are endless, and magic is in the air.

Kids

This bitch is all ages. That means anywhere from babies to 20-year olds are in attendance… all of which are terrible. It's super hard to get your rock on and your drink on while staring at toddlers picking their noses. It's also difficult to rock out when you feel like you're in the middle of a Hot Topic. Nothing kills my buzz more than seeing teenagers posing with selfie-sticks. Maybe you didn't want to drink all day at the festival? Maybe knowing that there are exactly two areas that kids are not allowed might interest you. Both are beer gardens. Find solace here and chug-a-lug. Don't worry, you can still sorta see the stage. The good news? No elderly. For some odd reason, I did not see one elderly person. For those of you that think older folks are "icky" or are "grossed out" by seeing a person nearing their impending demise… rest assured! The oldest person I saw there was about 50. Ew, 50! Can you imagine..? The walking dead.

Music

Lastly, there's the show itself. There are two massive stages to cram yourself against others to see bands perform all those radio hits you love and adore. The sound is top-notch. Perhaps, if you brought a child, you might want to consider a pair of earplugs for them? No? That's uncool? OK, whatever… What do I know? There's big screens, fancy lights, the whole shebang. On the off chance that you're an individual who actually enjoys the music and the bands playing but is wary of the "festival experience," turns out you can just sit at waterfront park and watch the show from there without having to enter at all. I'll leave that decision up to you.