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Political Commentators I'd Like Morrissey To Write A Song About

By Luke Winkie

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[Photoshop By Charlie Ambler]

James Carville
Song Title: “In The Lair of the Lizard King”
This is the smoky, rough-and-tumble rocker. Lots of strings, maybe a vaguely rootsy vibe. It’s a character portrait; Morrissey is desperately trying to sort his feelings out for James Carville. His weird serpentine glamour both arresting and aesthetically resistant. Morrissey debates himself, his taste, his lust, and his candor. Eventually he decides that he can’t contradict matters of the heart, and accepts James’ invitation back to his wooden bayou house on the Lousiana coastline. It turns out James Carville has an excellent record collection. The southern drawl seeps into his pro-social rhetoric, and they fall in love forever and ever. The listener has no idea it is James Carville until Morrissey rhymes “ziggurat” with “southern democrat.”

Brian Williams
Song Title: “The Bourbon-Haired Saint”
We open with a drift of disciplined piano notes, and a cascading, anxious guitar. Brian Williams is the world’s reassurer, but who reassures the reassurer? Moz tells us of Brian Williams lonely car-ride home, as he questions all the flimsy truths he just let loose on the world. A single tear rolls down his eye as the parking attendant asks for his autograph. At this point it becomes clear that Morrissey is using his coined “Bourbon-Haired Saint” in wicked spite, and the listener ponders why on earth Morrissey hates the NBC Nightly News anchor with such profound vitriol. As the horns pick up, he describes in detail how Brian Williams lets all of the animals in his house run wild and free into the neighbors yard. Brian Williams ignores both his wife and kids, and slowly cries himself to sleep. The trombone lingers for another 45 seconds.

Anderson Cooper
Song Title: “My Pale White Poundstone”
Initially the song feels very similar to the listener. A slash of crystalline guitar, the ghostly strings …is this “There is a Light That Never Goes Out?” Well kinda, Morrissey has completely resurrected the old Smith’s instrumental, but the tables have turned. This time it’s sung from the perspective of Anderson Cooper, who is strapped to the seat next to Morrissey. Look, Morrissey needed some self-esteem, so he copped himself a Vanderbilt. Also now the whole “light” motif is a fairly obvious metaphor for the warm blood pumping through Cooper’s porous, milky skin.

Geraldo Rivera
Song Title: “Geraldo Rivera”
I don’t have anything else to say about this song besides that it's 15 minutes long. Also it only uses instruments Morrissey invented and it features Lil B.

Sean Hannity
Song Title: "Bumbling Down Breakfast"
This song would open with a gentle palm-muted guitar, and a few drops of golden, angel-haired organ. It would sound a lot like the original Leonard Cohen version of "Hallelujah." In a subterranean croak, Morrissey would list off several American fast-food chains, and a selection of the most heinous limited-edition items. Since this is a Christmas song, it would pay particular attention to the holiday eggnog shake at Jack in the Box. Then, as the horns pick up, Morrissey will tell you how he force fed Sean Hannity into he resembled a giddy bouncing ball - rhyming "lying leech" with "giant peach." In the final sing-a-long chorus, we all sing about pushing the spherical, rolly-polly down an idyllic English knoll.

@luke_winkie

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