[Photoshop By Charlie Ambler]
James Carville
Song Title: “In The Lair of the Lizard King”
This is the smoky, rough-and-tumble rocker. Lots of strings, maybe a vaguely rootsy vibe. It’s a character portrait; Morrissey is desperately trying to sort his feelings out for James Carville. His weird serpentine glamour both arresting and aesthetically resistant. Morrissey debates himself, his taste, his lust, and his candor. Eventually he decides that he can’t contradict matters of the heart, and accepts James’ invitation back to his wooden bayou house on the Lousiana coastline. It turns out James Carville has an excellent record collection. The southern drawl seeps into his pro-social rhetoric, and they fall in love forever and ever. The listener has no idea it is James Carville until Morrissey rhymes “ziggurat” with “southern democrat.”
Brian Williams
Song Title: “The Bourbon-Haired Saint”
We open with a drift of disciplined piano notes, and a cascading, anxious guitar. Brian Williams is the world’s reassurer, but who reassures the reassurer? Moz tells us of Brian Williams lonely car-ride home, as he questions all the flimsy truths he just let loose on the world. A single tear rolls down his eye as the parking attendant asks for his autograph. At this point it becomes clear that Morrissey is using his coined “Bourbon-Haired Saint” in wicked spite, and the listener ponders why on earth Morrissey hates the NBC Nightly News anchor with such profound vitriol. As the horns pick up, he describes in detail how Brian Williams lets all of the animals in his house run wild and free into the neighbors yard. Brian Williams ignores both his wife and kids, and slowly cries himself to sleep. The trombone lingers for another 45 seconds.
Anderson Cooper
Song Title: “My Pale White Poundstone”
Initially the song feels very similar to the listener. A slash of crystalline guitar, the ghostly strings …is this “There is a Light That Never Goes Out?” Well kinda, Morrissey has completely resurrected the old Smith’s instrumental, but the tables have turned. This time it’s sung from the perspective of Anderson Cooper, who is strapped to the seat next to Morrissey. Look, Morrissey needed some self-esteem, so he copped himself a Vanderbilt. Also now the whole “light” motif is a fairly obvious metaphor for the warm blood pumping through Cooper’s porous, milky skin.
Geraldo Rivera
Song Title: “Geraldo Rivera”
I don’t have anything else to say about this song besides that it's 15 minutes long. Also it only uses instruments Morrissey invented and it features Lil B.
Sean Hannity
Song Title: "Bumbling Down Breakfast"
This song would open with a gentle palm-muted guitar, and a few drops of golden, angel-haired organ. It would sound a lot like the original Leonard Cohen version of "Hallelujah." In a subterranean croak, Morrissey would list off several American fast-food chains, and a selection of the most heinous limited-edition items. Since this is a Christmas song, it would pay particular attention to the holiday eggnog shake at Jack in the Box. Then, as the horns pick up, Morrissey will tell you how he force fed Sean Hannity into he resembled a giddy bouncing ball - rhyming "lying leech" with "giant peach." In the final sing-a-long chorus, we all sing about pushing the spherical, rolly-polly down an idyllic English knoll.
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Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
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Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
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Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
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Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
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Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
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R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
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The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
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I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
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Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
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Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
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